[nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

[Beth Taurasi]

I agree with you on all the points you made, Arielle.  Rehab is forcing 
me to go to a "social skills" mental health group because I think they 
are linking my blindness and the secondary disability c alled bipolar.  
They think I have poor social skills, but I am probably the most social 
in the group.  But they limit topics, I'm sorry, but it's better for me 
if I tell them exactly what happened when I was little.  My parents 
wanted the same things yours did.  But they can't have that sort of 
thing.  I have a loving boyfriend and some employment potential, but my 
boyfriend is like my coach.  He always puts me first, never thinking 
that he's the one who comes first. Honestly, because of the social 
skills group, I'm being labeled by Rehab as having poor job skills.  
I've already adapted to blindness, and now I have to take a psych test.  
I'm afraid what the test might say, that I can't take care of myself, so 
I might need, according to the test, a guardian to do it for me.  I 
can't afford a guardian because Blake, my boyfriend, wnats to marry me, 
like Jason did you.  Arielle, the way people are sometimes makes me 
sick.  You mention Adolf Hitler?  Oh yeah, he had charisma all right, 
and look how many people paid for that.  Six million Jews, plus disabled 
people inm the thousands in institutions such as Auschwitz.  My God, I 
don't have that part down, maybe not, but I do know one thing I learned 
from girl scouting.  A leader listens to the people who need the leading 
most.  I would, if I were President, never think twice about raising the 
minimum wage for disabled workers.  I'd mnake it so that a guardian is 
not needed for all of us, following the Jenny Hatch example of 
alternatives to guardianship.  I'd illegalize guardianship for disabled 
people whose disability is manageable and can bring employment 
potential, and then I'd promote disability as an asset to employment.  I 
would try and enforce laws banning discrimination against us disabled 
folks, and then I'd set a federal tax break up, even more so than Obama 
does.  Obama is sighted, and he doesn't understand what it's really like 
to lose your rights.  He doesn't get it. But I do.  Rant over.
Beth

On 3/4/2014 10:22 PM, Arielle Silverman wrote:
> Hi all,
>
> OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
> experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn
> social skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I
> think it is important enough to bear repeating every few years. I
> guess I'm also curious if any of you have had similar experiences
> growing up or if the things I am about to advocate make any sense to
> others besides me.
>
> I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted
> person. As a child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
> When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
> control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried
> to interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would
> go to my room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical
> affection, hugging, touching etc.
> When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits
> linked back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my
> blindness I had poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP
> throughout elementary and middle school that dealt with my social
> skills and my TVI was tasked with evaluating my progress. For example,
> in elementary school I would get graded on goals like "Shows interest
> in other children" or "asks others about their day". In middle school,
> one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when she likes something".
> I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell
> her how many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down
> on her clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to
> increase over time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked
> and respected this teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a
> good compliment report every day, by contriving situations where I
> could compliment my family and classmates. I still don't understand
> what this had to do with my blindness. If I complimented people less
> than my parents or teachers expected it was because that just wasn't a
> big part of how I liked to interact with people. Had I been sighted, I
> wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing. She also read me
> passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me social skills.
> Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents
> had really expected her to do these things and she did even though she
> knew they were ridiculous.
> When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
> they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
> influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following
> social conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact,
> etc. (what Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of
> criteria, winning friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had
> wonderful social skills. I think there are other social skills that
> are much more important for having lasting relationships: things like
> sharing, helping others in need, being sensitive to other people's
> feelings, respecting other people's opinions, not holding grudges.
> There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
> skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can
> learn just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's
> conversations, talking about issues going on in the world, and
> actually being a part of close relationships. I think the most social
> skills I ever learned was by becoming friends with blind people who
> were willing to be blunt and tell me if I was doing something
> obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about social interaction just
> by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading about this
> stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
> interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in
> the long term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when
> you're out in the real world and the thing you practiced feels really
> awkward and fake.
> On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
> congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can
> make informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For
> example, of course blind folks should be told about which colors
> people usually wear together or what kind of clothing is appropriate
> for a job interview vs. the movies. But then, we still have the right
> to choose to blend in or not. So  often it seems that blind folks are
> labeled as having poor social skills when the fact is that they've
> learned what is "appropriate" but chosen not to follow these norms for
> whatever reason.
> I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
> blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally
> was--to turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
> It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and
> that I was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
> Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with
> the friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me,
> and I try to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned
> to get me to this place came from my firsthand experiences making
> friends, my real discussions with others and a lot of trial and error.
> I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I
> also don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a
> textbook were either effective or necessary.
> In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support
> students in developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to
> make friends and have real social encounters--instead of
> indoctrinating them with lessons based on a narrow definition of
> social competence.
>
> Best,
> Arielle
>
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