[nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Thu Mar 6 02:55:16 UTC 2014

To me, if I ask someone to help with the buffett, than I am still in control
of the situation.  That is part of independence to me.  Because of other
health issues, I seldom carry my plate in a public restaurant.  

I think that sometimes a le dysfunction of the wonderful federation
philosophy is that it makes one feel like if he or she is not a superstar,
than you are letting down other blind individuals.  Even cDoctor Jernigan
walked with someone if it was more productive to do so.  Independence does
not mean one is a super human.  If it does, I've failed many times and
probably will never achieve it.  And what does it say if you determination
to do absolubely everything on your own, stops you from enjoying life or
advancing in your career?  Doesn't that dreffeat the purpose?  

Loren 

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Chris Nusbaum
Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 8:01 PM
To: jsoro620 at gmail.com; 'National Association of Blind Students mailing
list'
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Dear Listers:

Joe, very well said. Regarding buffet lines, sighted people in my experience
often ask someone else to load their plate for them, whether a staff member
or another person with whom they are eating. This, in fact, is a principle
which sighted people tend to follow in many situations--they ask for help
when that would best serve their needs at any given time, and they go it
alone when that is preferred. I often wonder then why this is a subject with
which our community struggles as much as we do. The object of independence
for us, I believe, is to function on a level similar to that of our sighted
counterparts. If this is true, are we placing unrealistic expectations on
ourselves and others? It seems to me that in striving to be "independent,"
some of us expect ourselves to be *more* independent than our sighted
colleagues. If sighted people ask for someone to load their plate in a
buffet, why oughtn't we? Because we are blind and Federationists, should
that make us super-independent? Just some food for thought for whatever it's
worth.

Chris

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Joe
Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 7:49 PM
To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Excellent post, Arielle. I wrote on this subject in my blog. I'll post the
relevant portion here:

Speaking for myself, I don't really look forward to buffet lines.
Independence is partially about looking graceful, and in my opinion there is
nothing graceful about feeling around for serving spoons and running the
risk of dipping a finger in the casserole, embarrassing yourself and making
the other guests feel dubious about where your fingers may've been. There
are methods to handling such tasks of course. You could move your hand
inward over the table surface, find the rim of the dish and move around its
edge until you find the utensil. I paid attention in my independent living
classes. Yet independence is also about seizing conveniences, so you could
also just ask someone to help load your plate and go on about your business.
I feel far more confident about carrying a tray and drink to my table than I
do about navigating someone else's logic about the way dishes should be laid
out.

I walk fast when I walk alone. In fact I experience my own version of
pedestrian's sidewalk rage, but I feel slow and stumbling when walking with
someone else because my attention is divided between carrying a conversation
and stopping myself from colliding with a lamp post. In some cases I would
rather walk with a hand on the person's elbow to ensure the smooth
continuity of both our conversation and our journey. This is especially true
in crowded restaurants.

Something else that comes to mind is my attitude about how the rest of the
world perceives me. As I grow older it matters less. If truth be told it
probably never mattered enough, but there was a point when I wondered about
the stain on my shirt or the syrup on my cheek or the rip in my jeans. If
you saw either on a fellow sighted person, you would attribute it to
laziness or wouldn't think of it at all. If you saw this on a blind person,
however, your first thought might be that it was because the person was
blind. I'd like you to point it out to me in the spirit of open
communication. No one likes to walk around attracting the wrong kind of
attention, but don't be surprised to discover that I can be every bit as
careless or clumsy as you.

When you see me board a train or bus, it'd be nice if you offered me the
seat near the door. I will turn you down, but it's the thought that counts.
My independence will not be threatened by the same type of courtesy I would
extend if I were sighted and came upon a blind person. To that end, I may
not always take advantage of the discounts and freebies offered to senior
citizens and persons with disabilities. If I don't, chalk it up to a desire
to equally contribute to society and not because I am an ungrateful person.
I worked hard to be a tax payer.

You can read the post in its entirety here:

http://joeorozco.com/blog_facts_about_blindness_according_to_me

--
Twitter: @ScribblingJoe

Visit my blog:
http://joeorozco.com/blog

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Arielle
Silverman
Sent: Wednesday, March 05, 2014 12:22 AM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: [nabs-l] Social skills and blindness

Hi all,

OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn social
skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I think it is
important enough to bear repeating every few years. I guess I'm also curious
if any of you have had similar experiences growing up or if the things I am
about to advocate make any sense to others besides me.

I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted person. As a
child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried to
interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would go to my
room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical affection, hugging,
touching etc.
When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits linked
back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my blindness I had
poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP throughout elementary and
middle school that dealt with my social skills and my TVI was tasked with
evaluating my progress. For example, in elementary school I would get graded
on goals like "Shows interest in other children" or "asks others about their
day". In middle school, one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when she
likes something".
I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell her how
many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down on her
clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to increase over
time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked and respected this
teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a good compliment report every
day, by contriving situations where I could compliment my family and
classmates. I still don't understand what this had to do with my blindness.
If I complimented people less than my parents or teachers expected it was
because that just wasn't a big part of how I liked to interact with people.
Had I been sighted, I wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing. She
also read me passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me social
skills.
Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents had
really expected her to do these things and she did even though she knew they
were ridiculous.
When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following social
conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact, etc. (what
Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of criteria, winning
friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had wonderful social skills. I
think there are other social skills that are much more important for having
lasting relationships: things like sharing, helping others in need, being
sensitive to other people's feelings, respecting other people's opinions,
not holding grudges.
There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can learn
just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's conversations,
talking about issues going on in the world, and actually being a part of
close relationships. I think the most social skills I ever learned was by
becoming friends with blind people who were willing to be blunt and tell me
if I was doing something obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about social
interaction just by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading
about this stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in the long
term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when you're out in the
real world and the thing you practiced feels really awkward and fake.
On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can make
informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For example, of
course blind folks should be told about which colors people usually wear
together or what kind of clothing is appropriate for a job interview vs. the
movies. But then, we still have the right to choose to blend in or not. So
often it seems that blind folks are labeled as having poor social skills
when the fact is that they've learned what is "appropriate" but chosen not
to follow these norms for whatever reason.
I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally was--to
turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and that I
was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with the
friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me, and I try
to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned to get me to this
place came from my firsthand experiences making friends, my real discussions
with others and a lot of trial and error.
I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I also
don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a textbook were
either effective or necessary.
In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support students in
developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to make friends and
have real social encounters--instead of indoctrinating them with lessons
based on a narrow definition of social competence.

Best,
Arielle

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