[nabs-l] Several Questions...

[Kerri Kosten via nabs-l]

Hi Everyone:

I don't know what to do so figured I'd write to the list for help.
I tried returning to school last semester but it didn't end up working
out. I tried a lot harder than I would have in the past, and I turned
in most of the assignments on time and all, but I still got a C in one
class and a F in the other class. It was my second time applying to
this college, and I felt fortunate I got readmitted. Now, I believe I
am on academic suspension.
I have several questions and a lot to say.
If school is not going to work for me, I need to find something to do
so was considering trying to find a job. If I were sighted I'd just go
for one of those starter minimum wage jobs such as a waitress or a
bookseller at Barnes and Noble. However, I know being a bookseller at
Barnes and Noble isn't likely since I can't read the print books. I
also know being a waitress isn't likely.
So, what minimum wage starting jobs can a blind person do without a degree?
What was your first job?
What was the first thing you did that gave you real work experience?
I know our local grocery store, Kroger is always accepting
applications. Has anyone ever worked in a  grocery store? Could I be a
bagger or a customer service person at Kroger?
Where is the best place to look for jobs?
To be honest with everyone, I am really sad. I was heartbroken by my
grades. I'm sad that It doesn't look like school is going to work out
for me and I won't get a degree. I've always had a passion for sports,
and have said since I was 15 years old I want to be a sportswriter,
sports reporter, sports caster, or something with sports. I was a
journalism major, figuring journalism would give me a good foundation
in helping me become a better writer and would help my communication
skills.
Please don't judge me too harshly for this, but the problem with me is
I have zero confidence in myself, and I have zero self-esteem. The
other problem with me (and I am ashamed to say this) is that the truth
is I've never really had to work in my entire life. I've always just
been the star without having to really work. I worked when I was in
training, but that was it. I also worked in high school, but again I
was always the star and got huge praise for just turning in and
actually doing the work. Though I again hate to admit this, I believe
deep deep down though I hate this about myself I have engrained all
that praise. I am also a very, very impatient person.
The reason I am saying all of this is because I feel like when
something is a lot of work or it is something that requires a lot of
time, I become so impatient because I just want to finish whatever
work it is, I either don't do the work or I do it but at the very last
minute, hating to do it the whole time, doing it kicking and screaming
(figuratively, not literally.)
I also work best with consequences. In training, I knew if I didn't do
what was required/asked of me I would first disappoint the director
whom I looked up to, I would second disappoint the staff members who I
looked up to, I would likely get kicked out which would mean having to
return home and having to explain to my family and rehab counselor
(who I also look up to) why I got kicked out. That is a lot of
consequences and of course I didn't want to face any of them or see
what would happen. I also wanted to learn the skills to be more
independent for myself so I worked as hard as I could.
But, it seems unless there are consequences, or I am in an environment
where I am forced to do the work I become very lazy and if there is
work (such as for school or something) I dread doing it.
I also admit, I often feel depressed. I am often afraid and will worry
that I will never find my passion or figure anything out and will end
up doing nothing for the rest of my life and will be unable to
contribute to society. This makes me feel helpless and that then sends
me into a negative depression. As I said earlier, I forced myself with
school and got most of the work done I needed to but there were many
nights where I would be so negative and depressed I couldn't focus on
schoolwork and would have to wait until the next day.
Another thing that really brings me down and depresses me is that I
have always been passionate about sports. The thing I have come to
recently realize is that maybe even with sports I've sort of been
tricked. When I was a teenager/younger, and I would talk to people I
always brought up sports. I would say a few things, a few stats and I
was always the star, always "amazing" or whatever. Even now, to
someone who isn't into sports it looks like I really know what I am
talking about. But, being able to say a few things is a lot different
than having to write a whole article. I feel like when there is a big
story going on, I often feel like I should write about it since I
always say I want to be a sportswriter but when I sit down to write I
don't know what to say. I often feel like my thoughts come from what I
read on sites such as ESPN.com or what I hear on ESPNRadio or ESPN
rather than myself forming my own opinion. Even when I listen to
sports talk radio (which I do constantly) I am amazed at how much of
an expert they seem to be. It makes me honestly feel stupid and makes
me really question my wanting to be a sportswriter. This then really
makes me sad.
Another thing that is big in sports journalism but that I admit I have
never really done but that really really freaks me out a lot is
interviewing. I am terrified if I ever have to interview anyone my
questions will be horrible and they'll see right through me.
I just feel that similarly with the rest of my life, it's like
everyone let me go through life just talking and smiling and being all
amazing but when it comes to the real thing I am horrible and have no
idea and though I listen to sports talk radio all the time I probably
don't know nearly as much as I think I do especially in comparison to
sighted males who have studied this stuff their whole lives. Again, I
am just begun to realize all of this and this all makes me so sad and
depressed.
For example, how do you "break down" a game?
Do you take notes during the game, then get the stats from somewhere
online afterwords and write about the game that way?
Is it normal to do a bunch of reading about a certain story from sites
such as Espn, Si (Sports Illustrated), Bleacher Report, FoxSports,
Yahoo Sports, and Cbs Sports and then write a little opinion thing
based on what you have read and your own opinions/knologe?
Sometimes, I even wonder if I really know that much about the games I
listen to. Sure, I know the basics of football and basketball, but
many times when I listen to sports talk radio I feel like I don't
really know the games at all.
This all worries me, makes me feel depressed, and negative and I'm
afraid I'll never figure any of this out and will have to spend the
rest of my life doing nothing and that makes me feel so negative and
depressed.
How can I develop a better self-esteem and have more confidence?
How can I teach myself to think more positively rather than negatively
all the time?
How can I teach myself to be more determined/work harder when I've
never really had to work or really do anything?
Is there someone I could talk to every week or something that could
help me learn to work? Like, maybe give me writing prompts or maybe I
could try writing a sports column/opinion piece for them and they
could look at it? Like, they could help me take baby steps to figure
things out?
I was very motivated in training. Having consequences and looking up
to the staff members and not wanting to disappoint them really drove
me to work hard. Is there something from training I could use to
motivate me? Is there something I'm not thinking of that I could use
to motivate me?
Of course since I've graduated and the staff have understandably moved
onto other students I don't really get to talk to people from the
center much. I understand all of this, but I feel being back here I am
just all by myself and I realize this is part of being an adult but I
really really struggle when it's just me and myself.
I somehow need consequences, or someone on me or something in my mind
to look up/be motivated by. Otherwise, I seem to really get depressed,
negative, and end up failing/not wanting to do anything.
I realize I am an adult, but is there any way to find something to
look up to or is there any way I could have consequences or someone
sort of on me about getting things done?
Am I the only one who works in this way?
I wonder if I would've had someone nagging at me constantly whether I
could have possibly done better in school?
How do you all deal with this?
How do you continuously stay so determined?
For those of you who have had similar childhoods as me where you were
always told you are amazing and were never made to really work how do
you force yourself to work so hard?
I am sorry to post such a long message with so many questions. I don't
know where or who else to post this to. I can't just keep going on,
doing nothing, and just being depressed certain days and then be great
on happy good days.
Thanks,
Kerri