[nagdu] Goodbye My Lovely

[Meghan Whalen]

The below text was written about two weeks ago, below that, you will find an update from today.  I don't have words.

Jade will be going to live with someone else. I don't know who yet. She attacked Snickers, again. She does this whenever I am not home and someone else is here caring for the dogs. I cannot deal with it. It is not fare to Snickers for him to be afraid all of the time. I don't know why it happens. I am too tired of this. She has punctures on her face from him defending himself. He is shakey and clingy and super insecure now. This dog as been scared and hurt too many times in his life.

I love Jade to death. It will kill me to let her go, but I know this is not safe for anybody. She still has separation anxiety, but I had decided I would deal with that. Every day, when I get home, she has releived in the house, and I clean it up right when I get home. It is stressful and a pain, but I was willing to do that so she could be a part of my life. It looks like it is not safe to keep her. This is what I get for writing such an optimistic post about her the other day. So, four years to the day after I got her, I found out I will have to let her go. I am so broken that I think I am out of words.

And now, the update.

I've been gone for the last ten days. I was at NFB convention, then I worked at a fair selling pizza. I'm so tired. On Thursday, I found out that Jade attacked my mom's dog, too and put her in the emergency vet, so there goes my theory about her and Snickers. There is no way my mom can keep her. I need to get her everything to get her ready for her new home, but I can't do it. I can't get her the new leash so I can keep the other one. I can't bring myself to order her the fish oil she needs for her coat so I can hand it over to someone else and worry that they're not giving it to her. I need to write up everything I want them to know about her. I need to get copies of all of her records. I can't. She is my love, my little lady. I can't let her go. She gave me so much. We traveled so far together, and went through so many gains and losses together. I can't imagine the killing pain this will cause when it is all said and done. I took her ID tag with my info from her collar and put it on my keychain. I will have that constant reminder for the rest of my life, I swear it. I feel like I am the most disloyal and unloving friend she could ever ask for. I cannot seperate the dogs, because I am just one person, and that would give them both a half-life. That would be the selfish solution, and I refuse to demote either of them to half-time companion. I know the truth is that she will settle into her new home and be content, but I cannot imagine it. I dont' know how to imagine going to sleep everynight knowing she is sleeping at the feet of someone I barely know. I don't know how to go on not knowing if they are monitoring her Panis. I don't know how to feed my dogs every morning and not worry that she isn't getting the fish oil and pumpkin that she needs. I just don't know how to say goodbye. I only know how to say I love you. 

End pasting.

I can't process.  I can't function.  I can't do what I need to do to find her the life she needs.  I want to hide from it, like that will make it go away.  I just have no idea where it all came from, and I blame myself.  What could I do different?  I just don't know.  Now that she has hurt my mom's dog, I don't trust her around any of my dogs at any time.  I have broken my promise to her.  When I got her, on the first day, I listened to her crying and I promised her she would never have to lose anyone ever again.  I hate broken promises.  And now, I retreat.

Meghan