[nagdu] Goodbye My Lovely

Tue Jul 14 13:02:32 UTC 2009

Mary, 
If I can ask, why did you continue to work your dog after he bit your
grandchild the first time? Once would have earned any dog of mine an
instant retirement and banning from my house and child or grandchild. 
I'm curious to know why you made a different choice?  

________________________________

From: nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of merrys at verizon.net
Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 8:38 PM
To: nagdu at nfbnet.org
Subject: Re: [nagdu] Goodbye My Lovely

Meghan,

My heart breaks for you.  My second guide dog bit my grandchild when she
was 3 months old and then again when she was 2 1/2 years old.  The
second time was when I decided that I could not keep him any longer.  It
was heartbreaking and I haven't had a guide dog since then (except for
1st who was retired and now has crossed over).  I was very fortunate
that the puppyraiser was willing to take him back.  She came in from
Georgia within a week.  When they pulled out of my driveway, I ached and
sobbed.  It took me a very long time not to be sad and then I was mad at
him for behaving that way, and making me make that decision.  He is
doing well, but I still miss him.  

It doesn't matter the circumstances when we have to find another home
for our guides, it hurts and it hurts deep because we love them.  Know
there are many out here who feel for you and are very sad for you as
well.

Merry

Jul 13, 2009 11:16:06 PM, nagdu at nfbnet.org wrote:

	The below text was written about two weeks ago, below that, you
will find an update from today. I don't have words.

	Jade will be going to live with someone else. I don't know who
yet. She attacked Snickers, again. She does this whenever I am not home
and someone else is here caring for the dogs. I cannot deal with it. It
is not fare to Snickers for him to be afraid all of the time. I don't
know why it happens. I am too tired of this. She has punctures on her
face from him defending himself. He is shakey and clingy and super
insecure now. This dog as been scared and hurt too many times in his
life.

	I love Jade to death. It will kill me to let her go, but I know
this is not safe for anybody. She still has separation anxiety, but I
had decided I would deal with that. Every day, when I get home, she has
releived in the house, and I clean it up right when I get home. It is
stressful and a pain, but I was willing to do that so she could be a
part of my life. It looks like it is not safe to keep her. This is what
I get for writing such an optimistic post about her the other day. So,
four years to the day after I got her, I found out I will have to let
her go. I am so broken that I think I am out of words.

	And now, the update.

	I've been gone for the last ten days. I was at NFB convention,
then I worked at a fair selling pizza. I'm so tired. On Thursday, I
found out that Jade attacked my mom's dog, too and put her in the
emergency vet, so there goes my theory about her and Snickers. There is
no way my mom can keep her. I need to get her everything to get her
ready for her new home, but I can't do it. I can't get her the new leash
so I can keep the other one. I can't bring myself to order her the fish
oil she needs for her coat so I can hand it over to someone else and
worry that they're not giving it to her. I need to write up everything I
want them to know about her. I need to get copies of all of her records.
I can't. She is my love, my little lady. I can't let her go. She gave me
so much. We traveled so far together, and went through so many gains and
losses together. I can't imagine the killing pain this will cause when
it is all said and done. I took her ID tag with my info from her collar
and put it
	on my keychain. I will have that constant reminder for the rest
of my life, I swear it. I feel like I am the most disloyal and unloving
friend she could ever ask for. I cannot seperate the dogs, because I am
just one person, and that would give them both a half-life. That would
be the selfish solution, and I refuse to demote either of them to
half-time companion. I know the truth is that she will settle into her
new home and be content, but I cannot imagine it. I dont' know how to
imagine going to sleep everynight knowing she is sleeping at the feet of
someone I barely know. I don't know how to go on not knowing if they are
monitoring her Panis. I don't know how to feed my dogs every morning and
not worry that she isn't getting the fish oil and pumpkin that she
needs. I just don't know how to say goodbye. I only know how to say I
love you. 

	End pasting.

	I can't process. I can't function. I can't do what I need to do
to find her the life she needs. I want to hide from it, like that will
make it go away. I just have no idea where it all came from, and I blame
myself. What could I do different? I just don't know. Now that she has
hurt my mom's dog, I don't trust her around any of my dogs at any time.
I have broken my promise to her. When I got her, on the first day, I
listened to her crying and I promised her she would never have to lose
anyone ever again. I hate broken promises. And now, I retreat.

	Meghan 
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