[Nfbf-l] Exciting Changes in Our Upcoming Convention

[Dan Hicks]

Fellow Federation Convention Enthusiasts.

Please read this announcement carefully and in its entirety. It contains important information. 

Have you grown tired of NFBF Conventions because they are always being held in Florida's nicest, most comfortable hotels? Are you weary of carpet on the floors, the availability of room service, and air conditioning? Well, if this is you, will be thrilled at the changes the National Federation of the Blind of Florida is making to our upcoming NFBF State Convention. 

The changes were announced at a special press conference, held earlier today. 

NFBF President Kathy Davis began with a momentous announcement, before taking questions. 

"As you all know, the state of Florida has recently been impacted with revenue shortfalls. In order to conserve funds, our legislature has closed some of our state's facilities of incarceration. One of these is the Lemonville State Penitentiary in Sunshine County, a facility which, until recently, housed more than 500 inmates. Rather than let the penitentiary go vacant, we have decided to use it to hold this year's state convention. This is the first convention we have held in beautiful Sunshine County, which is located somewhere south of Tallahassee and somewhat north of Miami." 

First Vice President Dwight Sayer said, "You could say we art taking Lemonville, and making lemonade. 

Second vice President Dan Hicks said, "We are only the second state affiliate to hold its convention in a prison. The Kansas affiliate recently held its state convention at Leavenworth Penitentiary. However, they sound found it may have not been a good idea to hold the convention at a facility which is still in being utilized to house inmates. But, being as Lemonville is officially closed, we won't have to deal with any unnecessary confusion or hostage situations or anything like that." 

NFBF Board Member Betty McNally said "The local chapter of Florida's Ex-Cons has already put Braille on all the cells. I am pleased to say that it is almost 90 per cent accurate. You really don't want to criticize the work those guys do."

NFBF President Kathy Davis introduced Elvira Grundlespike, who used to be the chief warden at the Lemonville facility. Grundlespike said, "We are really happy to have your club meet at our lovely penitentiary. It has been fully cleaned and decorated, with most of the graffiti removed or painted over."

NFBF Secretary Sherri Brun asked about banquet and meeting facilities. 

Grundlespike said that the prison features several classrooms, which will work great for the seminars and breakout sessions. There is also a large chow hall, which will be suitable for all general sessions and the banquet. The kitchen is adequate for a group twice the size of that expected to attend the NFBF convention. 

NFBF Treasurer Gloria Hicks said, "We are going to save a lot of money!"

Grundlespike, who still wears a holster even though she no longer carries a gun, said, "We will provide all eating utensils. We have an enormous supply of tin cups, most with few or no dents in them." She added quickly, "Oh, I hope I am not being disrespectful to offer tin cups to blind people. I meant no offence." 

Kathy Davis assured her that none was taken and that the members of the organization would need something to drink from during the Manger's Reception. 

"Oh, that reminds me," Grundlespike added, "This prison used to be Sunshine County's number one industry. Since it closed, the area has had to live on income from our local wineries. We have some very good vintages. The Sunshine County Winery has agreed to donate 2,000 boxes of its finest whites, blushes, and reds to you for your convention."

"Wow," said Dwight, "that is very generous of them. Tell me, how many bottles are in each box?"

"Oh, there are no bottles," said Grundlespike. "The wine itself comes it one-liter boxes, but each comes with its own drinking straw. And, I can assure you it is delicious."

Board member Gina Minichiello said, "There are enough cells that each person can have his or hew own, though most of us will want to double up. Many of the cells have bunk beads, so families can share. Each cell has its own bathroom -- well bathroom area. Each cell has its own sink and...uh...facilities. They are all very clean, I have been assured. At first I was concerned about privacy. There is space between those bars, you know. But there isn't enough light for anyone to see much of anything."

Former Warden Grundlespike said, Lights out is at 10:00 PM. After that everybody is blind!...Oh, I didn't mean to cause offense."

"None taken," Kathy said. "Are there any questions?"

NFBF Board Member Sabrina Deaton said, "I am concerned that there aren't any nearby restaurants or bars for those who wish to travel outside the penitentiary grounds."

Ms. Grundlespike answered, "Well, there is great food in the chow hall. Their oatmeal is out of this world. We have all of that free wine. The winery wasn't able to sell much of it after that silly recall business, but I assure you it is delicious. There are no nearby restaurants, it is true, but we have many, many bars." She laughed, uproariously. 

NFBF Treasurer Gloria Hicks said, "We are going to save a lot of money!"

Dwight Sayer said, as a fundraiser, we will be taking pictures of members and guests, seated in "Old Sparkly," world's only rhinestone-studded electric chair. He added, "Don't worry. The power is turned off and the chair is unplugged. I'm not making that mistake again. 

Board Member Sherrill O'Brien said, "We have discovered a supply of thousands of brand new, very stylish, orange jumpsuits. These will make great door prizes and we can sell some of them with boxes of wine at the auction."

NFBF Board Member Betty McNally said, "After we get the license place making machinery up and running, we will be making and selling special Whozit license plates. This will be after we get legislative approval, of course."

NFBF Treasurer Gloria Hicks said, "We are going to raise a lot of money!"
She then asked about the availability of a sound system.

Grundlespike answered, "The chow hall has a great PA system. When Johnny Cash played Lemonville, there was a bit of commotion from the more avid fans, and he had to depart rather quickly, leaving his sound system behind. We have been using it ever since. And, hey, if it's good enough for Johnny, it ought to be good enough for you folks."

So there you have it. The exciting announcement about our upcoming convention. 

Anybody who takes this too seriously should just look at the date this message was sent. 

For the real -- non-April Fools Day -- information about our upcoming NFBF State Convention, go to:

http://www.nfbflorida.org/upcoming/convention-2009.htm

We hope to see you all there!

Dan

"If you are going to walk on thin ice,  
 you might as well dance."
                        - Inuit Proverb



 

 


"If you are going to walk on thin ice,  
 you might as well dance."
                        - Inuit Proverb