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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link=blue vlink=purple style='word-wrap:break-word'><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>This is from our NFB blog. Please see below. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Camille <o:p></o:p></p><div><div style='border:none;border-top:solid #E1E1E1 1.0pt;padding:3.0pt 0in 0in 0in'><p class=MsoNormal><b>From:</b> NFBF-L <nfbf-l-bounces@nfbnet.org> <b>On Behalf Of </b>DENISE VALKEMA via NFBF-L<br><b>Sent:</b> Sunday, February 28, 2021 5:33 PM<br><b>To:</b> NFBF <nfbf-l@nfbnet.org>; NFBF <nfbf-leaders@nfbnet.org><br><b>Cc:</b> DENISE VALKEMA <valkemadenise@aol.com><br><b>Subject:</b> [NFBF-L] Did I Say That was OK with Me? Understanding Consent and Boundaries | National Federation of the Blind<o:p></o:p></p></div></div><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><div><p class=MsoNormal><br><a href="https://www.nfb.org/blog/did-i-say-was-ok-me-understanding-consent-and-boundaries">https://www.nfb.org/blog/did-i-say-was-ok-me-understanding-consent-and-boundaries</a><o:p></o:p></p></div><h1 style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box;-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%'><span style='font-size:26.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'><br><br><o:p></o:p></span></h1><h1 style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box;-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%'><span class=field><span style='font-size:26.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'>Did I Say That was OK with Me? Understanding Consent and Boundaries</span></span><span style='font-size:26.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'><o:p></o:p></span></h1><div style='margin-bottom:15.0pt;box-sizing: border-box;-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0);-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%'><div><p class=MsoNormal style='vertical-align:top'><span style='font-size:10.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Monday, February 22, 2021<o:p></o:p></span></p></div></div><div><div><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Content warning: This article mentions instances of abuse and sexual assault. If you are a victim or survivor of sexual assault and are in need of support, you can call the <a href="https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>National Sexual Assault Hotline provided by RAINN</span></a> at 800.656.HOPE (4673).<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>I’m standing at an intersection, listening and analyzing the flow of traffic and waiting for the safest moment to cross. I hear the parallel traffic and, with my cane out in front of me, I confidently begin to cross the street. Out of nowhere, a “concerned citizen” grabs my arm and says, “This way. Let me help you.” I feel the familiar flush of anger and shame, the tightening of my throat, and the clenching of my stomach. My muscles tense as I wonder what gives this stranger the right to not only assume that I am incapable of crossing this street without their help, but to touch me without even asking first? Do I pull my arm free? Do I say “No thanks, I’ve got this”? Do I just go along with it because I’m already so exhausted from the ongoing onslaught of <a href="https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/4-types-microaggressions-people-disabilities-203319026.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAHDaR4kkFWoFQ9SNrqqgODg9KS6Ak431CufaCl6auUHMpWKubOmG4xno_mhhcaOlHcCZpMnUDbOHEQaQeBiZCQxbnblNTlom4pUqheLsOMUvAUk00vhpI4LQU2V4yBE4L6JXp2YXfkGQYknfjTeHdx6OSSeFQxGr1ajW3rVJ681a" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>microaggressions</span></a>, constant accessibility barriers, and daily harmful assumptions that non-disabled people know what I need more than I do? In this moment in the middle of the street, unwittingly entangled with someone I don’t even know, I feel powerless. No response feels completely right, and I don’t know the best way to reclaim my power and confidence.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>As blind people, we are all-too-familiar with this scenario. It might be when we encounter construction, new barriers in a familiar environment, or when we are in a store, bank, or restaurant. We have the shared experience of unwelcome interference by strangers, acquaintances, and even friends and family members.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Imagine a recent incident when you may have experienced some of the sensations, emotions, or thoughts that I mentioned above. These are all signs that someone has neglected to ask for your <a href="https://www.dartmouth.edu/consent/consent/index.html" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>consent</span></a> and has violated your <a href="https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>boundaries</span></a>. In order to understand consent, we need to talk about boundaries.<o:p></o:p></span></p><h2 style='mso-margin-top-alt:22.5pt;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box;color:inherit'><span style='font-size:21.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'>What are boundaries?<o:p></o:p></span></h2><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Boundaries are:<o:p></o:p></span></p><ul type=disc><li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Limits that express respect for our own needs and the needs of others.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Unique to each person<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Invisible lines that separate your physical space, feelings, needs, values, goals, and responsibilities from those of others.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Physical, mental, emotional, social, sexual, spiritual, relational, and material.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Understanding and defining your boundaries helps you to know where you end and others begin, and enable you to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable treatment from anyone you encounter.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>We all have boundaries, whether we are aware of them and are able to articulate them or not. Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness, empathy, and respect for our own needs and the needs of others. When we do not <a href="https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>learn about boundaries as children</span></a>, we move through the world without an understanding of our own limits and the ability to set them and are at a greater risk of experiencing emotional or physical harm. <o:p></o:p></span></p><h2 style='mso-margin-top-alt:22.5pt;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box;color:inherit'><span style='font-size:21.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'>Why does consent matter?<o:p></o:p></span></h2><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Consent is not just the absence of a “no”; it is a freely given, enthusiastic “yes.” As people with disabilities, our boundaries—even if we are able to articulate them—are so frequently ignored that it can be difficult to understand what <a href="https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>enthusiastic consent does and does not look like</span></a>. With every unsolicited touch from a stranger, teacher, or parent (even if it is done seemingly for the purposes of instruction), we are taught that our bodies do not belong to us. When consent is so rarely requested from us in a non-sexual context, it is no wonder that people with <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/datasources/nisvs/svandipv.html" target="_blank"><span style='color:#005AA3;text-decoration:none'>disabilities are at a significantly higher risk</span></a> of experiencing sexual or intimate partner violence.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Sometimes, I have a visceral reaction to the frequent boundary violations committed by others because they remind me of other times I felt helpless, of the experiences that have given me the title of “survivor.” In a few milliseconds, I am no longer in the street with a stranger; I am a small child being sexually and physically abused by a family member that I trusted; I’m a young adult, hiding from my drunk boyfriend who is breaking furniture and yelling at me; I am at Washington Seminar and national convention, feeling hands on my skin that I never asked to touch me; I am at another student’s apartment after a party at the training center apartments where I have come to search for my independence, but instead wake up to find a man raping me while I silently cry. The same thread woven throughout these experiences is the thread of powerlessness and self-blame.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>What I know now, after years of therapy and learning about boundaries and consent, is that I was not to blame in these situations. Yes, my power was momentarily taken from me, but that does not make me responsible. When I was a child, I could not consent simply because I was a child and had not been taught that I had the right to boundaries and autonomy. When I was assaulted as an adult, nothing I did gave someone the right to take advantage of me without my consent; this includes going over to the student’s apartment and consenting to kissing. Consent is ongoing, can be withdrawn at any time, and consenting to one activity is not a license to advance to another. Now that I have been taught what healthy boundaries look like, I’m better equipped to practice self-compassion, and am empowered to teach others their importance so we can build a culture of consent. As we work towards that, hopefully fewer people will experience the trauma that I have.<o:p></o:p></span></p><h2 style='mso-margin-top-alt:22.5pt;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:7.5pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box;color:inherit'><span style='font-size:21.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;font-weight:normal'>What does it look like to set boundaries or ask for consent?<o:p></o:p></span></h2><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>I recently attended an intensive training for a form of trauma therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). A coach who was assisting me by describing training videos asked me if I would like to touch her hand and arm as she demonstrated the signature actions that are necessary for this type of therapy. If my movements were incorrect, she asked me if I would be okay with her touching my hand and arm to make an adjustment. She asked if she could either tap on my knees or cue me verbally to tap on my own knees so I could learn the pace and duration of the tapping, which is essential to my understanding of how to deliver this modality as a blind therapist. In all of these instances, the coach sought my permission and feedback on my comfort level with her actions. If I had said “no” at any point, I am confident that my boundaries would have been honored and a different solution discovered. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>My consent, needs, and autonomy being valued in these ways helped me to feel seen, heard, and valued. As I reflect back on this experience, I recognize how strongly it contrasts with the feelings of shame, anger, and powerlessness I experience in those all-too-common scenarios when someone swoops in and commandeers my body, time, or sense of control without my permission.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Maybe next time I am crossing that street, and a well-meaning person grabs me to provide help I do not need or want, I’ll recall this experience where my boundaries were beautifully honored and my consent was desired. Maybe I’ll remember that I do have power, and that it is never rude to expect others to respect my body and personhood.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>Just because we’re disabled, it doesn’t mean we don’t have the right to consent, autonomy, and our own decision-making power. This applies throughout the entire process—from sexual misconduct or other consent/boundary violations, to the sharing and use of our survivorship stories, to our path of processing and healing from trauma and boundary violations.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>It is never too late to start the practice of honoring your own and others’ boundaries. Every time you set a boundary and someone respects it, and every time you ask for enthusiastic consent from another, you are both healing the wounds in others and also healing your own.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p style='mso-margin-top-alt:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:15.0pt;margin-left:0in;box-sizing: border-box'><span style='font-size:13.5pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif'>— Sarah Meyer<o:p></o:p></span></p></div></div><p class=MsoNormal>Forward Together, <o:p></o:p></p><div><p class=MsoNormal>Denise Valkema, President <span style='font-size:13.0pt'>National Federation of the Blind of Florida </span><o:p></o:p></p><div><p class=MsoNormal>(305)972-8529<o:p></o:p></p><div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:13.0pt'><a href="mailto:president@nfbflorida.org">president@nfbflorida.org</a></span><o:p></o:p></p></div><div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:13.0pt'><a href="http://www.nfbflorida.org">www.nfbflorida.org</a></span><o:p></o:p></p></div><div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:13.0pt'>Follow us @nfbflorida</span><o:p></o:p></p></div></div><div><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:13.0pt'>You can live the life you want.</span><o:p></o:p></p></div><div><p class=MsoNormal>The National Federation of the Blind is a community of members and friends who believe in the hopes and dreams of the nation’s blind. Every day we work together to help blind people live the lives they want.<o:p></o:p></p></div></div></div></body></html>