[nfbwatlk] understanding our reaction to proffered help

[Debby Phillips]

I just don't think that every time a sighted person gives me information that they assume I can't   without them. And those who do feel that way are quite obvious about it.  I just don't makre assumptions about casual encounters.    Debby function 

Sent from my iPhone

> On Dec 13, 2014, at 1:24 PM, Mary ellen via nfbwatlk <nfbwatlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> It's possible to understand the underlying beliefs behind an offer of help
> while appreciating the courteous intent.
> 
> 
> 
> Don describes a situation in which a woman acts on her assumption that Don
> would be unable to determine whether the coast was clear without the
> information she provided.  Her assumption is incorrect in his case at that
> time.  If her assumption had been accurate, her help would have been
> essential.  It was not correct, so her help was superfluous.  That's really
> all Don was saying.  The woman made an assumption that was inaccurate.
> Assumptions like that go to the heart of one of our most significant
> problems.  We are presumed to be less aware of what's happening around us
> than we are.  That assumption leads to decisions that tend to exclude us
> from things that matter.  For example, blind people are still not routinely
> trusted minding young children because we're not perceived as being able to
> know what they're doing and therefore are thought to be unable to keep them
> safe.
> 
> 
> 
> It's very possible to observe and recognize inaccurate assumptions without
> being offended by them.  It's also quite reasonable to be frustrated by
> ignorance, no matter how well intentioned.
> 
> 
> 
> Rudeness did not happen in this case.  Rudeness is not an appropriate way
> for human beings to deal with one another.  I know of no responsible person
> anywhere who advocates that blind people be rude to the public.  If some
> blind people choose to be rude, what can we do about it?  We certainly can't
> tell them, "Sorry, you can't be blind anymore!"
> 
> 
> 
> I have personally been in situations on many occasions where I politely
> declined help and was called rude.  There have also been occasions where my
> frustration about the assumption of incompetence came through despite my
> preference not to let it show.  
> 
> 
> 
> We need to be kind to sighted people who are acting out of well-intentioned
> ignorance.  We also need to be kinder to ourselves and to one another when
> we don't live up to the level of courtesy we all prefer.  Every human being
> I've ever known has been snappish once in a while.
> 
> 
> 
> There are times when behavior needs to be directly challenged and subtle
> hints just don't cut it.  A very good friend teaches me tai chi.  In class,
> it's essential that she describe the moves in detail and physically show me
> when her verbal instructions aren't sufficient.  Outside of class, it can
> get annoying when she does the same thing.  Most of the time I just listen
> to her overabundant info about steps, fence posts, and other environmental
> information.  A few days ago she started telling me things about my stairway
> at home.  I finally said, in an unmistakably stern tone, "Catherine, I live
> here."  She got the point.  If I had given her a long, gentle explanation,
> she would have felt embarrassed and the incident would have loomed large.
> Bluntness in that instance solved the problem quickly with the minimum
> amount of fuss.
> 
> 
> 
> Rebellious independence is a necessary step on the road to true first class
> status.  It's not a pleasant passage for anyone, but without passing through
> rebellious independence a person really cannot internalize strong
> self-confidence.  Getting stuck in rebellious independence is like getting
> stuck in adolescence.  
> 
> 
> 
> My kids are either just out of adolescence or smack dab in the middle of it.
> I would be genuinely worried about them if they were always placid and never
> questioned my authority as a parent.  I insist on mutual civility (most of
> the time) but their sometimes snarky rebellions tell me they're on the way
> to genuine maturity.  They are most likely to get short tempered and even
> rude when they believe their personhood and competence is being
> disrespected.  As a blind person, I really get that!
> 
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