[nobe-l] Feedback on First Draft of Apollo 11 Story for BELL Program

[Tina Hansen]

I've received word aout the dates of our state's BELL program. It will be
from August 5-16 this year, and our audience is ages 4-12.

 

As you may know, my team and I have been working on a presentation around
the anniversary of Apollo 11, and we want to recount the story of what
happened.

 

My concern is that we don't have a lot of time. Also, since wenwant to
include actual quotes, we've decided to pre-record the story instead of
trying to do it live. We also feel that pre-recording it would help us stay
within our recommended time frame of 10 minutes.

 

Below is my first attempt at trying to recount the story. It's not perfect,
and I know that? I'd appreciate suggestions for how I can improve it.

 

Have you even been issued a challenge? If so, how did you respond to it? Did
you run and hide? Did you find a way to meet it?

 

In 1961, Russia was the first country to send a man into space. Our country
was used to being first at everything, but when Russia launched the first
man into space, we didn't like it. Our president fekt it was time to do
something aout it.

 

In May of 1961, President John Kenedy issued this challenge: I believe that
this nation should commit itself to landing a man on the moon and returning
him safely before this decade is out.

 

Our country jumped to the challenge.

 

If you've ever been challenged with a big goal, you know that you need to
get there in baby steps. This is wher Mercury and Gemini came in. These
programs helped find ways to get to the moon. They perfected techniques for
getting one spacecraft to join with another and meet each other in orbit.

 

Finally, on July 16, 1969, Apollo 11 lifted off with Neil Armstrong, uzz
Aldrin and Michael Collins on their way to the moon. Their command ship was
named Columbia, and their lunar landing craft was named Eagle.

 

On July 20, 1969, their two craft separaged as Neil Armstrong and Buzz
Aldrin began their exploration of the moon's surface. Mike Collins orbited
above them in Columbia.

 

After preparing their ship, Neil and uzz began to descend to the moon's
surface. Unfortunately, their onoard computer, which was far less powerful
than your smart phone, but was the est technology of the day, was taking
them to a place they didn't want to go. Neil took over flying the craft.

 

But they were getting low on fuel. Mission Control in Houston warned them of
this, so they did their best to land before their fuel run out.

 

Luckily, they made it. When the craft landed, Neil said, "Tranquility Base
here, the Eagle has landed. Everyone was happy, but this was only the
beginning.

 

Several hours later, the astronauts got ready to explore the moon's surface.
Neil Armstrong made the first step, and made history when he said, "That's
one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."

 

Within a half hour, Buzz followed. He described what they saw as
"Magnificent desolation."

 

Their exploration lasted for 2 and a helf hours, but then it was time to get
back in the landing craft.

 

The next day, Eagle rejoined Columbia. Three days later, the explorers
returned home, and the first mission to the moon was successful.

 

There it is. Any suggestions on how I could improve it would be much
appreciated. Thanks.