[Ohio-Talk] Surviving Domestic Violence: I Found My Way Out

[Suzanne Turner]

Surviving Domestic Violence: I Found My Way Out 


Tuesday, March 30, 2021 

Content Warning: The information found below has the potential to hurt or
retraumatize others. Please prepare to read about the difficult topic of
domestic violence.

I am Cheryl Fields, one of six dynamic and diverse women that are the
National Federation of the Blind Survivor Task Force.

The pathway of healing and peace is the journey of a lifetime. There's that
"ah ha" moment of awareness, then, the question, "now what?"

What is domestic violence? the United Nations definition uses this language.
"Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner
violence," can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that
is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. It
is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats
of actions that influence another person.

I was seventeen the first time my boyfriend hit me. Our tears mingled
together as he graphically detailed how I was responsible for his actions
and what would be necessary to prevent him from assaulting me again. I
believed him. We tearfully apologized to each other, and I got a treat, the
first of many dozens of beautiful long stem red roses and an afternoon of
make-up sex. One of my aunts is a survivor of intimate partner abuse, and
she was not fooled by my boyfriend. She warned me that the "love of my life"
was not a good dude and to get out while I could. Of course, I didn't listen
to Auntie's warning. Her words couldn't compete with my teenage libido.
Eventually, I married that boyfriend, and we started a family. The violence
escalated, and the gifts were elevated, but the exquisite roses remained the
same, with sharper thorns, gouging deep wounds that I thought would never
heal.

The burning question on the lips of observers is, "Why? Why did you stay for
so long?" It's difficult to express the amount of shame, guilt, and fear
associated with intimate partner abuse. When a victim is terrorized by their
abuser who consistently reinforces how unappealing and inadequate the victim
is, the stripping away of her/his self-esteem/self-worth can cause the
victim to believe the abuser. In spite of his/her many flaws, the
perpetrator manipulates the victim into believing he/she is the only person
who is able to love the victim. The fact that my family warned me, and I
didn't listen, contributed to the guilt I felt and magnified my inability to
make good choices. Instead, I chose to stay and work harder to be a better
mother, wife, and lover while pretending to be happy.

That strategy did not work. Variations of the assault repeated themselves
for many years. Then I had another "ah ha" moment and didn't know what to do
or where to go; I became blind in 1983. At the time, my daughter was two
years old and my son was five. Not long after I became blind, I attended the
funeral of a classmate I'd known since childhood. Her name was Sharon. I
learned that, as her young son and brother watched in horror, she was
murdered by her soon-to-be ex-husband. Feeling the grief that day uncovered
and exposed the truth. My own life was out of control, and that made me
fearful of the future for me and my children. Within a few short months, I
filed for divorce and fled the city with my children. I wasn't healthy,
happy, or safe and didn't know what to do so again, I faked it until I
figured it out. Some years later, while sitting in a support group, "Ah ha!"
happened again. I learned about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This
knowledge made me feel really good. My problem was identified at last, but I
did nothing about it. I was just happy to know I was not the only one.

PTSD is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a "mental condition that's triggered
by a terrifying event. Either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may
include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety as well as uncontrollable
thoughts about the event." For many years, I was unaware of this condition,
and I was a contradiction of emotions and actions, constantly angry and
depressed while being an overachiever, the rescue squad for others when I
was barely hanging on by a thread.

Merriam Webster defines healing as "A. to make free from injury or disease;
B. to make sound or whole." I eventually became intentional and determined
to live a whole life free of injury, hurt, and trauma. Is it easy? No, but
it is worth the journey. Am I better? Absolutely. After years of believing
that being a victim defined me, I put the work into affirming and
reaffirming who I am and how I choose to live my life, believing I have the
right to live the life I want!

I have the right to experience hope, joy, love, and peace with every new
sunrise!

If you or someone you know is a victim of relationship abuse, there is hope.
Contact your local domestic violence center, the Rape Abuse and Incest
National Network (RAINN), or the NFB Survivor Taskforce for support or
additional resources and don't give up!

- Cheryl Fields


Resources:


nfb.org/survivors <https://nfb.org/survivors> 
survivors at nfb.org <mailto:survivors at nfb.org> 
410-659-9314, extension 2238


RAINN


Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673), visit the
online hotline at hotline.rainn.org <https://hotline.rainn.org/>