[stylist] Question about Story in Slate & Style

[Donna Hill]

Hi All,
I have been reading the summer issue of Slate and Style on the web site 
and have a comment about Amy's story "War Horse." I think it's a 
wonderful story. I enjoy reading about native Americans to begin with, 
and this story weaves in so many elements and approaches Barb's 
blindness so subtly. I hope Amy will try to get this published elsewhere 
as well, but I have a question/suggestion.

In the following passage, I personally don't understand the use of the 
word "demise," which means to end or to kill.

This is from the part about Barb's grandmother and their car.
Block quote
Sweat beads soon lined Daisy’s forehead as huge raindrops began to fall. 
They grabbed the window cranks simultaneously. But much to Isaac 
TwoBear’s demise,
his rolled up on the first attempt. Daisy cranked and cranked, the rain 
pelting her as they drove into the center of the downpour, but not so 
much as a
sliver of glass emerged. She turned to him, water and sweat dripping 
from her nose and said with deadly calm, “Where’s the window, TwoBears?”
Block quote end

To me "chagrin," in its sense of shaming or hurting one's pride, 
originally seemed like it would fit more in the scope of the plot. But 
even if I substitute it, it doesn't pull the reason for his chagrin into 
the sentence and, without re working the two sentences, would make it 
seem like he was chagrinned that his own window went right up, when my 
impression is that he would be chagrinned that hers didn't. My 
suggestion would be to move the chagrin idea to the second sentence. 
That way I think would preserve the meaning and increase the dramatic 
tension by making the reader wait a second after Isaac successfully 
closes his own window.
Donna's suggestion

Block quote
They grabbed the window cranks simultaneously
, and Isaac's window rolled up on the first attempt. Daisy cranked and 
cranked, the rain pelting her as they drove into the center of the 
downpour, but to Isaac's chagrin not so much as a
sliver of glass emerged.
Block quote end

My apologies, if this has already been discussed.
Donna


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