[stylist] Need feedback. Do you find yourself absorbed in this?

[James H. "Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR]

dear Judith,
rivetting it is.
no, not opportunities, what I meant was I just 
felt Pessi's character could have a little more 
depth.  as a reader, I wanted to know her a 
little better and that would include the warts 
too.  I realize this is one chapter but you're 
introducing Pessi here.  overall, her  character is drawn very well Judith.
please send me the chapter as an attachment, in 
ms-word and I'll work on it there.   mostly what 
I noticed was a few word choices, one place in 
two lines "stairs" occurs three times for example.
jc
Jim Canaday M.A.
Lawrence, KS

At 10:55 AM 11/1/2009, you wrote:
>Thanks for this marvelous critique!  Here are a 
>few questions, and I guess, points.
>1.  I point out Pessi's weakness in her 
>daughterly attitude towards her very ill 
>mother.  Jews have enough opportunity for 
>sinning in the hundreds of religious obligations we are commanded.
>2.  I'm going to go back and make sure that 
>Bassie Levy is identified as Chavy's mother.
>3.  Could you please tell me where you think the text needs tightening?
>4.  This is not the entire story.  It is one 
>chapter in a book of several hundred pages.  I 
>want to make sure that this chapter, combined 
>with the first one, that the reader will remain rivitted to the story.
>Thanks!  Judith
>----- Original Message ----- From: "James H. 
>"Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR" <n6yr at sunflower.com>
>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Sent: Saturday, October 31, 2009 11:10 PM
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Need feedback. Do you find yourself absorbed in this?
>
>
>Dear friend Judith,
>tonight, after 27 tricker-treaters, I had time to really read this!
>
>wow, I have many comments for you on this very good writing.
>
>most of us can identify with being the "odd man
>out," the outcast, the one the popular kids pointed at and mocked.
>I like this very much and it certainly does have a hook!
>the flow of the story was very good too.
>
>I especially enjoyed the father's (Rabbi
>Goldburg) love demonstrated instead of being labeled!
>I wished for a little more depth in Pessi's
>character.  the angry withdrawal, you've got that
>down really well, A+ for that Judith!  in
>protestant christian terms, I'd like to see her
>sin just a little to show us her weaknesses
>too.  don't get me wrong, I like her character very very much.
>
>I like the fact in the story that Chavy and Pessi
>discover late in the story that their fathers
>were schoolmates and good friends going way
>back.  that their brothers have been talking to
>each other about their sisters.
>
>you've drawn all these wonderfully Judith!  Wow.
>
>of course a few places could use tightening
>up  some of the writing and in a couple places I
>had minor confusions as a reader.
>
>Bassie visited Shayna Goldberg every week since
>the family moved to Jenna and they became good
>friends, but she knew the extent of her
>illness.  Last week she confided they were
>stopping treatment.  Everyone knew what that meant.
>---who is Bassie?  is that Chavy's mother?
>
>Good going Judith!
>jc
>Jim Canaday M.A.
>Lawrence, KS
>
>
>
>At 12:03 PM 10/30/2009, you wrote:
>>Here's a sample chapter from my novel, "The 
>>Letter."  I need to know if the reader finds 
>>themselves becoming absorbed in it.  Can you 
>>identify a hook in it?  Thanks!  Judith
>>
>>CHAPTER Two
>>
>>
>>
>>The Same morning in Jenna, New York
>>
>>On this overcast morning Pessi quietly came up 
>>behind two schoolmates after Sabbath 
>>services.  She heard Miriam say to Ruthie, "Can 
>>you believe she goes in public looking so 
>>disgusting?  Her coat is a reject from a 
>>charity sale.  Those shoes haven't been seen 
>>since the Revolutionary War! Her hair is a 
>>nesting place for rats with bad taste.  Nothing 
>>in the coatroom stood out like the moth holes 
>>in her coat!  Gross!  I hear she has a family, 
>>but no one with any self-respect has claimed her.
>>
>>"Oh well, I have to get home.  Rabbi Goldberg 
>>is speaking this afternoon. Want to go?"
>>
>>Ruthy stopped laughing to answer her friend. 
>>"Sure.  Everyone goes to hear Rabbi Goldberg."
>>
>>"Great.  I'll pick you up after lunch."
>>
>>Engrossed in their conversation Pessi didn't 
>>think Ruthy and Miriam noticed her.  Pessi had 
>>to smile at their creative comments.  She knew 
>>very well how she looked, but circumstances did 
>>this to a person.  Could girls like Ruthy and 
>>Miriam ever understand there were more 
>>important things in a girl's life than clothes and beauticians?
>>
>>Under the overcast November sky Chavy Levy 
>>headed home from the synagogue her parents 
>>attended for years.  The most popular girl in 
>>her class, Chavy had only three problems.  She 
>>had to lose 10 pounds, her older brother Yigal 
>>had to be the most obnoxious person in the 
>>world to live with, and she hated math.  She 
>>couldn't figure out why she had to be in a 
>>class which had nothing to do with her 
>>future.  She had no idea what she would be 
>>doing after graduation, but becoming a math 
>>teacher wasn't an option!  Still, she had to 
>>pass or her parents would have a fit.  While 
>>strolling along on this Shabbos morning she 
>>admired her surroundings where the men wore 
>>traditional hats and younger boys donned 
>>skullcaps appropriate for children.  Chavy 
>>tossed her shining brown hair over her 
>>shoulder, and gave her attention to the passers 
>>by. Women walked with husbands, children or 
>>with friends. All wore clothing reflecting the 
>>special day.  This afternoon Chavy and her 
>>friends planned to go to the B'nos group or 
>>club for girls which met every Shabbos 
>>afternoon to hear Rabbi Goldberg, the most 
>>popular lecturer in the series.  Chavy honestly 
>>believed her class to be the greatest.  They 
>>all got along while having a ball working 
>>together except for Pessi Goldberg who didn't talk to anyone.
>>
>>At home her mother met her with the traditional 
>>Sabbath greeting.  "Good Shabbos, Chavy."
>>
>>"Good Shabbos, Mommy.  What can I do to help?"
>>
>>"Can you finish this salad so I can get dressed?"
>>
>>After entering her house Pessi greeted her 
>>mother who had remarked that morning, "Pessi, 
>>you have to become involved with the girls at 
>>school.  I know many of their mothers, and they are wonderful people."
>>
>>Pessi told her, "Some of them are probably very 
>>nice and the rest are not my type.  I have the 
>>right to be alone if this is the way I choose to live my life."
>>
>>Her mother rebuked, "It isn't normal for a 
>>sixteen year old girl to exist only for 
>>homework and her family.  You are a beautiful 
>>girl with a lot to offer others.  You must make 
>>an effort to make friends with the girls at 
>>school.  Now you have to get to Shul.  Do you want to put your hair in a bun?"
>>
>>"Mommy, I've told you before my hair is too 
>>thick for a bun.  One of these days I'll get it cut."
>>
>>"Pessi, all I'm asking you to do is try."
>>
>>"Good Shabbos, Mommy." She had put on her ugly 
>>coat and headed for her father's 
>>synagogue.  She would ignore her mother's 
>>prodding.  She preferred being alone and running her life her way.
>>
>>Mrs. Levy returned to the kitchen where her 
>>daughter stood finishing the salad.  A few 
>>minutes later   the family sat down to their Shabbos meal.
>>
>>The legendary arguments between Chavy and her 
>>brother Yigal started almost immediately.  "Chavy, where's the grape juice?"
>>
>>"On the door in the fridge."
>>
>>"Why isn't it on the table?  You know I can't 
>>start my meal without it." Yigal needed the 
>>drink to say the required prayer over wine or 
>>grape juice before his Shabbos meal.
>>
>>"Go and get it.  The bottle isn't heavy."
>>
>>Their father boomed, "I've had enough from the 
>>two of you!  You can both bring the juice to 
>>the table."  They glanced at each other before 
>>getting up.  The Rabbi continued, "When you get 
>>back I don't want either of you saying a 
>>word.  Obviously you're not mature enough to talk decently to anyone."
>>
>>Done straightening up after the meal Chavy and 
>>Chumy got ready for B'nos. Yigal told his 
>>sister, "You better be home for sudat 
>>shlishit.  You're the only one who can prepare the third Sabbath meal so well."
>>
>>"It would serve you right if I couldn't be 
>>here. Then you'll be forced to make it yourself!"
>>
>>"I can't even compliment you without some smart 
>>answer.  O.K.  Don't come home to make your 
>>horrid food.  We'll live longer without it!"
>>
>>"All right, Yigal.  I won't be here.  I'm sure 
>>I can find a place where they'll take me in."
>>
>>"Don't bet on it, Chavy.  It obviously takes a 
>>strong person like me to put up with you."
>>
>>At the door to the school Chavy heard two tenth 
>>graders, Miriam and Ruthy, behind her.  Miriam 
>>said, "Do you think the reject with the rat's 
>>nest on her head wearing her home for displaced moths will show up?"
>>
>>Her equally cruel friend answered, "I don't 
>>think she would have the nerve to socialize 
>>with civilized society.  B'nos isn't a place for outcasts."
>>
>>Chavy's temper flared at the remarks of these 
>>petty children.  She threw them a dirty 
>>look.  "Don't you have anything else to talk 
>>about?  What bothers you about a girl you don't 
>>know?  Life contains a lot of hard 
>>lessons.  Someday you're going to find that 
>>out."  The two girls returned her dirty look 
>>before going to hang up their coats.
>>
>>Chavy entered the school auditorium, already 
>>half full for the Rabbi's lecture.  To her 
>>surprise Pessi sat alone in the back.  She saw 
>>the overgrown hair, ugly shoes, and sad 
>>eyes.  Chavy wondered about this girl who 
>>arrived at school just as the bell rang and 
>>always left when the first dismissal bell 
>>sounded without a word to anyone.  During lunch 
>>she sat with her Psalm book saying nothing to 
>>any of the girls.  Gossips like Miriam and 
>>Ruthy entertained themselves with Pessi 
>>Goldberg jokes, but most girls tried to get 
>>Pessi involved with the mainstream student 
>>body.  When it was obvious they failed, the feeling became pity.
>>
>>Now Chavy observed the brunt of jokes by the 
>>narrow minds, and object of pity for most of 
>>the girls feeling bewildered.  Well, the 
>>bewilderment had to stop and once and for all 
>>she had to make contact with this mysterious 
>>girl.  She never remembered seeing Pessi before 
>>on Shabbos.  The contrast between Pessi's 
>>clothes and the others was glaring.  While most 
>>girls wore nice Shabbos clothes, Pessi wore a 
>>simple skirt and sweater appropriate for the 
>>weekday.  Pessi sat there reading the same 
>>Psalm book she read all week.  She knew the 
>>time had come to jump over Pessi's self constructed barrier.
>>
>>With fortified convictions she approached her 
>>classmate.  "Good Shabbos, Pessi.  How are you?"
>>
>>"Good Shabbos, Chavy.  I'm waiting for Rabbi 
>>Goldberg.  I need some of the emotional support 
>>he always gives."  Pessi returned to her book, 
>>signaling the end of the conversation.    Chavy 
>>never remembered Pessi communicating more than a cursory greeting until now.
>>
>>Determined to help her classmate Chavy said, 
>>"Pessi, come sit with the class."
>>
>>Pessi raised her clear blue eyes.  "I have 
>>nothing in common with those girls.  I'm fine 
>>right here."  She lowered her eyes to her book, 
>>again conveying the end of the conversation.
>>
>>Though an assertive girl who always managed to 
>>control any situation she found herself in, 
>>Chavy felt intimidated by Pessi who exhibited a 
>>certain inner strength she couldn't 
>>match.   Baffled, she sat down near the girl, 
>>trying to think of what she could say to at 
>>least entice her to join the group.  "Pessi, 
>>you're a nice girl.  From the way you say 
>>Tehillim, Psalms, you're also very 
>>religious.  You have a lot in common with all 
>>of us, but you don't talk to anyone."
>>
>>"My life is different. I have nothing in common 
>>with any of you."  Pessi returned her attention to her book.
>>
>>Chavy stared at the girl absorbed in her Psalm 
>>book.  Pessi could be very pretty if she had a 
>>hair cut and wore nicer clothes.  Her eyes 
>>seemed sad. Witnessing the actions of an 
>>obvious loner, Chavy wondered what lay under this façade.
>>
>>Both girls were sixteen, but Pessi had never 
>>been to a school social event, a class birthday 
>>party or some one else's house for Shabbos.
>>
>>She had to try one more time.  "Pessi, we want 
>>to be your friend.  Please come sit with us."
>>
>>"Chavy, I don't have time to get involved with 
>>the girls.  I'm here for the Rabbi's lecture, 
>>and have to go after he's finished.  I can't stay for refreshments."
>>
>>"Pessi, all I'm asking you to do is sit with 
>>us.  If you want I can go home with you 
>>afterwards to help you.  I already told my 
>>brother I'm not coming back to make Sudat 
>>shlishit for him.  I don't feel like it.  How 
>>about it? Come sit with us, stay for 
>>refreshments, and I'll go back to help you with whatever you have to do."
>>
>>In a soft voice she answered, "I don't want to impose."
>>
>>The well-rehearsed Chavy immediately shot back, 
>>"I don't want to go back to my brothers 
>>today.  I'll go home with you and call my father after Shabbos to pick me up."
>>
>>Chavy was good.  Pessi felt herself giving 
>>in.    She smiled for the first 
>>time.         "All right, Chavy.  Let's go sit 
>>with the others."  The two girls reached the 
>>front of the auditorium just as Rabbi Goldberg 
>>started towards the podium.  All the girls 
>>stood respectfully until the Rabbi reached the lectern.
>>
>>The audience turned their undivided attention 
>>to Rabbi Goldberg, but no one turned greater 
>>concentration to the speaker than Pessi.
>>
>>Today the theme of the lecture encompassed the 
>>difficult things confronted by people, and how 
>>individuals should perceive challenging 
>>situations.  The Rabbi hoped his message 
>>wouldn't be transparent to his young audience.
>>
>>"If someone isn't well we perceive that as 
>>unfortunate.  It is terrible to see someone 
>>suffer with illness.  As Jewish people we're 
>>told to say Psalms with the hope they 
>>recover.  But what happens if they don't 
>>recover?  What happens if we said our Tehillim, 
>>and they pass away, Heaven forbid, anyway? 
>>Should we think our prayers weren't 
>>answered?  No."  The Rabbi looked straight at 
>>Pessi. "It has nothing to do with us.  Let me 
>>try to bring it down to a more comprehensible level.
>>
>>"Let's say I bring to one of you high school 
>>girls a blueprint from the best architect in 
>>the country.  He has drawn plans for the 
>>biggest, best building this country has ever 
>>seen.  You are high school girls and, to the 
>>best of my knowledge, none of you ever studied architecture."
>>
>>The girls giggled and he continued.  "So, I go 
>>to your desk, put down the drawing and ask what 
>>you think of it.  What are you supposed to 
>>say?  You have no idea how to evaluate such 
>>diagrams."  The girls sat mesmerized by the 
>>Rabbi's words. "Why are the heating pipes over 
>>there?  Why are there no windows on that 
>>wall?  Considering the best architect in the 
>>country drew the plan wouldn't it make sense he 
>>knew what he was doing?  The architect knew how 
>>different forces worked together to make the 
>>building a viable one.  You see girls, you have 
>>no right interpreting the architect's drawing 
>>or expressing an opinion.  Only someone of 
>>equal stature to the architect has that 
>>right.  If one of his peers asks why the 
>>windows are where they are after studying the 
>>plan he knows what he's talking about, but you 
>>girls don't.  You don't understand airflow or 
>>different infrastructures such as plumbing, 
>>heating, and electric.  You are in no position to judge the architect.
>>
>>"The Almighty is the architect of the 
>>world.  Only He knows if something is good or 
>>bad.  Because we are not on His level we cannot 
>>objectively judge what He does.  As with the 
>>blueprint, we can say the windows look better 
>>on the left rather than the right, but the 
>>architect knows about the airflow in the 
>>building, and how the other infrastructures 
>>will work together.  We don't know architecture 
>>or understand the blueprint of the world.  But 
>>as the customer trusts the architect, we trust 
>>the Almighty because only He knows what is best."
>>
>>Pessi understood the Rabbi's words, and turned 
>>closer attention to him with tears streaming 
>>down her face.  Chavy wondered about her reaction.
>>
>>   "We can say we're saying Tehillim for the 
>> sick and, Heaven forbid, they pass 
>> away.  Weren't our prayers good enough?  We 
>> know they were, but what the Almighty knows is 
>> good is not always what we think of as 
>> acceptable. In the end we don't even know how 
>> to judge good as it pertains to individual 
>> situations.  In short, girls, there are no 
>> answers, but we can just do what we have 
>> control over.  If someone is sick, and we say 
>> Tehillim it is right.  Why?  Because it 
>> certainly won't hurt, and we know it to be a 
>> great help in any situation.  Is it a 
>> guarantee?  Certainly not.  There aren't any 
>> guarantees.  We have to place perfect faith in 
>> the Almighty because He's our Father in 
>> heaven, and well aware of the total plan for 
>> this world.  We know our Father in heaven 
>> doesn't intentionally hurt his children."
>>
>>Chavy noticed the Rabbi speaking directly to 
>>Pessi who continued crying. She wondered why 
>>the other kids couldn't see the sparks flying 
>>between the two.  Chavy didn't wonder why the 
>>Rabbi addressed Pessi.  Evidently he knew the 
>>family, and understood whatever haunted this 
>>girl.  If only Chavy knew the problem perhaps 
>>there would be something she could do.
>>
>>The Rabbi continued, "We know the Almighty 
>>wants us to do everything with joy because He 
>>wants us all to be happy as a father wants his 
>>children to be happy.  Every day we all ask for 
>>many different things from our Father in Heaven 
>>as we try our best to please Him as a child 
>>tries to please a father.  This is the reason 
>>our lives are spent learning Torah or the Five 
>>Books of Moses, and performing the Mitzvahs, 
>>religious obligations, commanded us in this 
>>precious gift He gave us.  Our responsibility 
>>is to show our Father we love Him as we carry 
>>out His commandments with our heartfelt 
>>joy.  Before I leave I want each of you to take 
>>your Tehillim book and say two Psalms for each 
>>of these people who are not well. Hopefully, 
>>our prayers will be heard and these people will 
>>be granted a speedy and complete recovery."  He 
>>read three names using the Hebrew name of the 
>>person followed by the Hebrew name of their 
>>mother.  Pessi blinked back tears and opened 
>>the book.  A short while later the Rabbi said, 
>>"Good Shabbos, girls" indicating the end of the lecture.
>>
>>The girls headed for the lunchroom where a 
>>beautiful dessert buffet awaited them. Standing 
>>next to Chavy Pessi said, "I have a question for the Rabbi. Be right back."
>>
>>Chavy found herself drawn to the dessert 
>>buffet, envying all the calories she didn't 
>>need.  She spotted fruit on the other table and 
>>reluctantly took a plate of the colorful, but less fattening food.
>>
>>Chavy's friend Shayna came up to her with a 
>>plate stacked with delectable goodies.  "Chavy, 
>>are you the party pooper?  How can you eat 
>>fruit with all this gorgeous stuff staring you in the face?"
>>
>>"Shayna, when most of your clothes don't fit, 
>>we can open a second-hand store.  Until then 
>>you can eat your calories and I'll try to like this stuff."
>>
>>Shayna laughed, and returned to other friends.
>>
>>Chavy glanced at Pessi talking to Rabbi 
>>Goldberg.  She must have had a simple 
>>question.  She spent only a minute with the Rabbi before returning to Chavy.
>>
>>Pessi picked up a pastry.  "These pastries are great!"
>>
>>"You're so skinny you could probably eat the 
>>whole table and never show it. I have weight to 
>>lose so I stick to fruit.  Have some, it's good."
>>
>>Pessi laughed, reaching for another pastry.
>>
>>"Chavy, I have to go soon.  My mother isn't well."
>>
>>"No problem, I can eat only so much fruit."
>>
>>In one corner of the room Miriam and Ruthy 
>>stood with a few of their friends never taking 
>>their eyes off Pessi Goldberg talking to Chavy 
>>Levy. Chavy saw them and could only imagine the 
>>venom they spewed.  She wanted to confront 
>>them, but turned her attention back to Pessi.
>>
>>
>>
>>When they finished eating Pessi and Chavy headed for the coat room.
>>
>>Pessi wondered if she was making the right 
>>move.  How come she decided to leave the school 
>>with Chavy today?  Was she proving that despite 
>>her strong resolve she needed 
>>someone?  Absolutely not!  Probably by Monday 
>>Chavy would be totally bored with her and both 
>>of them would return to their own corner of the 
>>world.  That would be all the proof she needed 
>>to demonstrate that she didn't need anyone else in her life.
>>
>>Pessi lived some distance from the school.  On 
>>the streets they traveled Chavy didn't see any 
>>of the sights she associated with Shabbos afternoon in her neighborhood.
>>
>>Pessi clung to her pride, still not completely 
>>sure about letting another girl into her 
>>life.  Pessi glanced at Chavy's beautiful gray 
>>wool coat with black velvet collar and 
>>cuffs.  She remembered how it felt to be 
>>wearing such a fine garment, but that was in the past.
>>
>>Chavy felt Pessi's discomfort.  She tried 
>>chatting about school activities, upcoming 
>>tests and the weather.  Pessi wanted to discuss classes and course work.
>>
>>Chavy envied the ease with which she discussed 
>>topics such as math and chemistry.  She still 
>>believed Trigonometry to be an obscure planet, 
>>but in her soft voice Pessi discussed it with 
>>the ease Chavy spoke of her favorite foods.
>>
>>Fifteen minutes later they reached Pessi's 
>>house.  Like others in the neighborhood the 
>>small, run-down structure appeared as if it had 
>>seen better days.  Chavy didn't care.  Over the 
>>years she had been friends with girls from the 
>>biggest and best homes and others from houses 
>>like this. She didn't choose her friends according to their zip codes.
>>
>>The two girls entered Pessi's dingy 
>>foyer.     Immediately a little boy ran to her 
>>exclaiming, "Good Shabbos, Pessi!"
>>
>>Pessi picked up the child and kissed him. 
>>"Moshe, did you take care of Mommy?"
>>
>>The little boy's expression turned serious. "Mommy read me a book."
>>
>>"I'm sure she enjoyed reading to you.  Let's go see her."
>>
>>On the sofa in the dining room lay Pessi's 
>>mother, a gaunt and obviously very ill 
>>woman.  Pessi gave her mother a kiss before 
>>stooping to pick up her blanket on the floor. 
>>She lovingly spread it over her.  "Good 
>>Shabbos, Mommy.  This is Chavy Levy from 
>>school.  Tatty said she could come home with me."
>>
>>   Seeing Pessi with a friend made Shayna 
>> Goldberg's spirits soar.  "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chavy.  How are you?"
>>
>>Chavy hoped her shock didn't show.  The Rabbi 
>>was Pessi's father?    She recovered her 
>>composure and answered, "I'm fine, Mrs. Goldberg.  It's so nice to meet you."
>>
>>"How did Tatty's lecture go, Pessi?"
>>
>>A bell rang in Chavy's mind.  Whatever was in 
>>the Rabbi's speech today had been planned to 
>>address an issue in his daughter's 
>>life.  Gazing at the emaciated woman on the 
>>couch Chavy began to understand the message.
>>
>>Pessi's eyes darted from her mother to 
>>Chavy.  "Chavy didn't know my father is Rabbi 
>>Goldberg.  I never told anyone.  The lecture was one of the best he ever gave."
>>
>>"Why did you keep your father's relationship to you a secret?"
>>
>>"I feel better being a private person."
>>
>>"Even though people know who your father is, 
>>you can still be a private person.  Could you 
>>please set out sudat shlishit before Tatty gets home?"
>>
>>Pessi chose to ignore her mother's latest 
>>prelude to a fight.  "Sure.  I'll do it now."
>>
>>After arriving home Rabbi Goldberg greeted 
>>their guest before turning to his wife. "Shayna, can I help you to the table?"
>>
>>"I would like that, thank you."
>>
>>The Rabbi supported his wife the short distance 
>>from the sofa to the table. He then said, "Everybody can go and wash."
>>
>>Moshe brought a bowl and cup of water for his 
>>mother to ritually wash her hands.  Mrs. 
>>Goldberg was too weak to wash at the sink with everyone else.
>>
>>In the tiny kitchen with doors falling off the 
>>cabinets Chavy asked Pessi, "Can you come to my 
>>house after Shabbos if I help you clean up?  My father can pick us up."
>>
>>"I'll ask."  Back at the table the Rabbi said 
>>the blessing on the bread. They all took a bite 
>>from their roll and Pessi asked, "Tatty, Chavy 
>>wants to know if I can go to her house after Shabbos.  Can I?"
>>
>>Mrs. Goldberg immediately answered, "Go, 
>>dear.  It's good for you to get out." Chavy 
>>noticed how quickly the frail woman, barely nibbling on her roll, responded.
>>
>>Rabbi Goldberg added, "You can go if you have a ride home."
>>
>>"I'll ask my father, but it shouldn't be a problem."
>>
>>"In that case I give my permission.  Have a good time."
>>
>>Two teenage boys entered the house.  Pessi said, "Those are my brothers."
>>
>>Chavy glanced at the boys who were headed for 
>>the kitchen to wash in preparation for their meal.
>>
>>  Avi Goldberg heard his father say, "Chavy, 
>> your father and I are very close friends.  I 
>> know Rabbi Levy for many years.  How is he?"
>>
>>"He's doing well."
>>
>>"Please give him my regards."
>>
>>Avi Goldberg stifled his own laughter.  So 
>>Yigal Levy's sister was Pessi's new 
>>friend.  Why did Pessi pick up such a pain in 
>>the neck girl?  He heard all the complaints 
>>from his best friend, Yigal, about his sister.
>>
>>After a brief talk by the Rabbi on the week's 
>>Torah reading Chavy quietly said to Pessi, "I 
>>didn't know Rabbi Goldberg is your father.  Why did you keep it a secret?"
>>
>>Pessi thought about the giant plunge she had 
>>taken, wondering if she should share anything 
>>more about her life.  Seeing the sincere 
>>expression in Chavy's eyes she decided to 
>>confide more.  "Goldberg is a common name so 
>>nobody drew the conclusion we're even 
>>related.  I've heard the nasty comments from 
>>some of the girls about me and am fully aware 
>>of the fact that my being related to the Rabbi 
>>would mean little to them.  No one knows except 
>>you now.  I'm happy being anonymous."
>>
>>The two girls said the blessing after the meal before going into the dinette.
>>
>>Pessi started in a low voice.  "My mother has 
>>cancer.  She's getting chemo once a week, but 
>>her reports aren't good.  We moved to Jenna ten 
>>months ago to be closer to better 
>>hospitals.  My father used to have a big 
>>congregation and good job, but since moving 
>>here he hasn't been successful. I wear weekday 
>>clothes on the Sabbath because my last Shabbos outfit doesn't fit.
>>
>>"I didn't want to get close to the girls at 
>>school.  After taking one look at me they 
>>didn't want that either.  I desperately need a 
>>haircut. Brushing the animal nest on my head 
>>everyday after my shower doesn't make me look 
>>normal.  I overhear some of the girls gossiping 
>>about me and the way I look so have just worked 
>>harder to prove I don't need anyone."
>>
>>Chavy listened to Pessi with sympathy.
>>
>>"I'm so nervous about my mother that all I do 
>>is go to school, keep up this house, help my 
>>mother and family, and pray.  My father gave 
>>the speech today for me.  I love my mother and 
>>can't face what is happening.  I keep thinking 
>>if I do more for her she'll get better, but my 
>>father claims it is out of my hands."
>>
>>Chavy never met another sixteen-year- old 
>>confronting so many challenges. How did she do it?
>>
>>"You're the first girl I brought home from 
>>school since moving to Jenna. My parents always 
>>say they want me to have friends, but I'm 
>>ashamed of our situation.  I prefer being alone 
>>with my problems rather than being the object 
>>of pity or ridicule.  This issue has been a 
>>source of conflict between my mother and me."
>>
>>"Pessi, if you hung up a few curtains with some 
>>pictures this place wouldn't be half bad."
>>
>>"We can't afford curtains, and don't have any 
>>pictures.  We had paintings where we lived 
>>before, but Tatty sold them for Mommy's medical 
>>care.  The drapes in the old house were custom made so we left them."
>>
>>"My mother has a closet full of 
>>curtains.  Every time she sees a curtain sale 
>>she replaces ours.  Also, I have some clothes I 
>>got too fat for.  I'll show them to you 
>>later.  Don't be ashamed.  None of us lives in a palace.
>>
>>"Also, there is Chesed at school.  As you know 
>>this group does community service.  They can 
>>come and help you out a few times a week.  I 
>>know the girl in charge of it. I'll discuss it with her tomorrow."
>>
>>"Don't talk to her, Chavy.  I'm ashamed.  My 
>>beautiful mother is so sick and looks terrible."
>>
>>"Don't be ashamed.  There's nothing wrong with 
>>you. When your mother recovers she'll look better."
>>
>>Pessi started crying, arousing Chavy's 
>>concern.  "Pessi, I didn't mean to upset you."
>>
>>"The doctors say now Mommy won't get any 
>>better.  They want to stop her therapy."
>>
>>Chavy put an arm around the shoulders of the 
>>sobbing girl.  From what little she understood 
>>about cancer she knew that when a doctor said a 
>>person wouldn't get any better and stopped the 
>>treatment it didn't mean they expected good news.
>>
>>"We all know it's the end.  My mother is happy 
>>you came over today.  She's been telling me for 
>>a long time I need to find friends.  I tried to 
>>ignore it because I have too much to do and 
>>don't want anyone to know how poor we are."
>>
>>"Don't worry about what the others 
>>think.  Tonight we're going to raid my mother's 
>>curtain closet.  Do you have any family pictures?"
>>
>>"Sure.  We used to take pictures all the time."
>>
>>"Great.  Tonight we're going hunting. Tomorrow 
>>after school we go to work." They smiled at 
>>each other.  Pessi had a friend for the first time in ages.
>>
>>Pessi had to admit having a confidant to 
>>support her through this crisis felt good.  Her 
>>parents had been right.  In spite of her strong 
>>resolve Pessi did need others to help her through this difficult time.
>>
>>Chavy called her father after they were done 
>>cleaning up.  He agreed to pick them up and bring Pessi back later.
>>
>>Chavy went to Mrs. Goldberg on her 
>>sofa.  "Thank you for a wonderful Shabbos, Mrs. Goldberg."
>>
>>"The pleasure is all ours, Chavy.  It's 
>>wonderful to see Pessi with a girl her age.  My 
>>little one, Suri, is at a friend's now, but 
>>Pessi is a wonderful girl who stays with me to 
>>do everything I should be doing around here.  I couldn't manage without her."
>>
>>"Mommy!  I told you I help you because I love 
>>you.  Don't make it sound like I'm something 
>>exceptional when I'm just doing what I want."
>>
>>Pessi turned and led the way to the foyer where they waited for Rabbi Levy.
>>
>>Back at Chavy's Yigal stood in the kitchen with 
>>a dishtowel over his arm. He glared at his 
>>sister.  "I'll get you for this, Chavy 
>>Levy!  This is cruel and unusual punishment! 
>>Mommy felt that since my mouth caused you to 
>>not come right home I deserved this horrible 
>>fate.  Our dear sister Chumy insisted I 
>>dry.  It should be illegal to have little sisters!"
>>
>>"Yigal, when you find yourself a good wife I'll help you pack your bags."
>>
>>Pessi joined the laughter unable to remember 
>>the last time she laughed from genuine happiness.
>>
>>Yigal turned to Chavy's friend.  "Is Avi Goldberg your brother?"
>>
>>Surprised, Pessi answered, "Yes.  Do you know him?"
>>
>>"Sure.  He's a great guy in my Yeshiva.  I tell 
>>him about my pain in the neck sister, but he 
>>says his sister is a doll.  Can you teach my sister to be a doll?"
>>
>>"My brothers look at me as a doll because we 
>>treat each other with respect. Respect works two ways."
>>
>>"Yigal, after you learn from the Goldberg boys 
>>how to treat a good sister perhaps Pessi can 
>>teach me a few things.  Until then, cut the complaining."
>>
>>Chumy said, "Back to work, Yigal.  Only a few 
>>dishes to go."  After giving Chavy another 
>>dirty look   Yigal returned to the kitchen.
>>
>>  Mrs. Levy came to greet Pessi.  Chavy asked, 
>> "Mommy, you know all those curtains you have hanging in the closet?"
>>
>>"Yes, dear.  Why?"
>>
>>"Can we go through them to choose some for Pessi's house?"
>>
>>"Sure.  I'm sure Mrs. Goldberg will enjoy them."
>>
>>Bassie visited Shayna Goldberg every week since 
>>the family moved to Jenna and they became good 
>>friends, but she knew the extent of her 
>>illness.  Last week she confided they were 
>>stopping treatment.  Everyone knew what that meant.
>>
>>Downstairs the girls started going through the 
>>closet.  In time they came back upstairs with 
>>curtains and a few paintings.  Mrs. Levy 
>>approved everything before the two headed upstairs to Chavy's room.
>>
>>Chavy smiled at Pessi.  "You're a very pretty 
>>girl.  All you need is a good haircut.  I cut 
>>Chumy's and some of my friend's hair all the 
>>time.  I enjoy doing it and they always come 
>>out of my bathroom looking great.  Can I do yours?"
>>
>>"If it's not too much trouble I'd love it.  I 
>>can't remember the last time I had a good haircut."
>>
>>In the upstairs bathroom Chavy shampooed 
>>Pessi's thick, luxurious black hair.  She took 
>>her scissors and began working her magic.  Once 
>>done she stood behind Pessi admiring the image 
>>in the mirror.  "Pessi, you have the darkest, 
>>thickest hair I ever saw.  You'll be the envy of every girl in the school."
>>
>>"When my hair is properly cut it's my best feature."
>>
>>"It isn't your best feature.  Those beautiful 
>>blue eyes with your dark hair are an unbeatable match."
>>
>>Pessi again admired her reflection in the 
>>mirror.  "This feels great!  I don't know how to thank you."
>>
>>  "Forget the thanks.  This is my pleasure."
>>
>>In the bedroom Chavy took two outfits which no 
>>longer fit from her closet. "Here are two good 
>>Shabbos outfits.  If they fit they're 
>>yours.  Here's a pair of black shoes I 
>>outgrew.  They're in perfect condition.  Want to try them on?"
>>
>>Pessi gazed at the lovely clothing.  Her jaw 
>>settled into the same stubborn line Chavy 
>>witnessed earlier. "Chavy, I can't accept this!"
>>
>>"Consider it logical closet cleaning.  If I 
>>hadn't eaten myself into the next size up I'd 
>>have nothing to offer you.  Do me a favor, try them on."
>>
>>Pessi thought about her pride in never 
>>accepting charity.  "I feel strange accepting 
>>these beautiful things.  I never took charity before."
>>
>>"This isn't charity.  Keeping these clothes in 
>>the closet hurts me every time I open the door 
>>to get my uniform.  I don't want to keep 
>>pushing the hangers that represent the way I used to be."
>>
>>Pessi took a long while to make up her 
>>mind.  How much could she change in one 
>>day?  Eventually she decided this didn't 
>>represent charity, but logic. She took off her 
>>sweater and pulled on the top to a black and 
>>white outfit that matched the pretty black 
>>pumps.  The shoes fit perfectly.  Seeing her 
>>reflection in the mirror she couldn't believe 
>>the difference.  She hadn't looked this good in 
>>ages.  She tried on the other gray and pink 
>>wool outfit which also transformed her into a fashionable young woman.
>>
>>Chavy sighed.  "I wish I could be as skinny as you."
>>
>>"Don't be silly, Chavy.  You look fine the way you are!"
>>
>>  "That's very nice of you, but I can read a 
>> scale.  For now all I can do is find good 
>> friends to take my beautiful clothes off my hands."
>>
>>Pessi sat on one of the beds observing Chavy's 
>>attractive room with white walls and pretty 
>>blue plush carpet.  Pictures of Chavy and Chumy 
>>growing up hung around the room.  She turned 
>>back to Chavy.  "At first I believed that by 
>>Monday morning you would have gotten sick of me 
>>and my problems, and we would have both crept 
>>back into our own lives.  But I was wrong.  I 
>>know you aren't turned off at our run-down 
>>house or my beautiful mother who looks awful 
>>now.  I knew from the beginning you didn't take 
>>a look at my inappropriate clothes and figure they told my whole story.
>>
>>"I'm familiar with most of the girls.  Tatty 
>>learns the holy books with many of their 
>>fathers. A lot of their mothers visit mine.
>>
>>"If I didn't have to go straight home after 
>>school, I might be willing to make friends with 
>>the girls.  My mother has been trying to get me 
>>to do that.  We argue about it constantly. I 
>>have the right to run my own life, but she 
>>feels that I'm too much of a loner.   I love 
>>her, but this is one topic we don't agree 
>>on.  I'm just more comfortable being a hermit."
>>
>>  "Are you really comfortable like that?"
>>
>>"I don't know right now.  Let's see how it 
>>goes.  I can be social with the other girls at 
>>school, but our relationships will end at the school door."
>>
>>Chavy ignored her last statement.  "I want to 
>>get Chesed to go to help you in the house.  You 
>>need and deserve it.  I'll just say one of your 
>>parents isn't well so the responsibility for everything is on your shoulders."
>>
>>"In spite of our poverty, I'm a proud person 
>>and never took such generous charity."
>>
>>"It's not charity.  Chesed girls go out to help 
>>people all week long.  When getting help from 
>>our community service group no one has to 
>>divulge any private information about 
>>themselves.  They say they need the help for 
>>one reason or another and we send them girls."
>>
>>Pessi remained quiet for a long time.  Chavy 
>>started to think she was going to refuse her suggestion.
>>
>>"I could use the help.  Thank you."  For the 
>>first time in five years Pessi admitted needing 
>>anyone.  It shocked her to realize this big step felt mighty good.
>>
>>"Tomorrow in school I'll try to be more a part 
>>of the class.  I'll say my Tehillim, but will 
>>also try to talk to the other girls."
>>
>>"For the fall holidays we attended your 
>>father's Synagogue.  My mother mentioned our 
>>fathers were classmates in Yeshiva.  Did you know that?"
>>
>>"I know that our fathers know each other, but 
>>he never told me their relationship dated back to their days in school."
>>
>>Mrs. Levy knocked on the door.  "Girls, it's 
>>late.  Tatty can take Pessi home now."
>>
>>"I'll go with you, Pessi."  Chavy helped Pessi 
>>take everything out to the car.
>>
>>At home Pessi's mother lay on her couch and her 
>>father was studying the Holy books in his 
>>office.  When she entered the room Mrs. 
>>Goldberg stared at her in surprise.  "Pessi, 
>>you're beautiful! You haven't looked this good in years.  Who cut your hair?"
>>
>>"Chavy did it.  She cuts her sister Chumy's 
>>hair all the time.  How do you like it?" She 
>>turned around to give her mother the full effect.
>>
>>"I love it.  You must keep it up.  You have such beautiful hair."
>>
>>Her mother's eyes fell on the bags she carried.  "What do you have there?"
>>
>>"Mrs. Levy buys curtains every time she sees a 
>>sale so has lots of them in the basement.  She 
>>gave me some to try to make this place look 
>>better. Chavy also gave me a few paintings to spruce it up."
>>
>>Shayna sighed.  She hadn't done anything for 
>>her home in a long time. "I'll get Avi and 
>>Yitzy to hang up rods and picture hooks tomorrow.  What else do you have?"
>>
>>"Chavy gained some weight so doesn't fit into a 
>>few of her outfits. There's also a pair of 
>>shoes she outgrew.  I think they're real nice. Look."
>>
>>Mrs. Goldberg admired the clothes and shoes. 
>>"They're all beautiful, Pessi. You'll look 
>>gorgeous.  Wear everything well, dear."  Pessi kissed her mother good night.
>>
>>Pessi headed to her room leaving Mrs. Goldberg 
>>stifling her smile until Pessi climbed the 
>>stairs.  Would Pessi use her friendship with 
>>Chavy to become involved with other 
>>girls?  Could Pessi finally realize that she 
>>was indeed a beautiful, intelligent and fun 
>>girl?  She knew Pessi had withdrawn from the 
>>world of other girls because of their poverty 
>>and her illness. She would take her guilt to her grave.
>>_______________________________________________
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