[stylist] The heart of it: chapter 1.

Tue Oct 6 03:14:49 UTC 2009

Alan,
I haven't read the update or other comments so this might be a set of 
superfluous comments.
first, sometimes I felt that some sentences would be strengthened 
with more direct expression, fewer words.  however, I also noted a 
very nice cadence to the writing in three or four places that relied 
on the particular wording.
since the topic is emotions and emotional, I did want a bit more 
physical texture and a bit more active emotional description.
the chapter does a very good job of realistically  representing how a 
couple can love each other and not communicate.  I did wonder about 
how the road led to this situation but perhaps that's in following chapters.
maybe I'm just expressing personal preferances but I'd have liked a 
little more description of both of their appearances.  what did he 
find first attractive about her, way back at the beginning of their 
relationship?  is their atire formal, suit and tie and women's 
suit?  or is he in a t-shirt and she's in jeans cutoffs?
I like the details about what they're reading.
good writing Alan.
jc
Jim Canaday M.A.
Lawrence, KS

At 09:20 AM 10/5/2009, you wrote:
>Hi everyone,
>This is the first chapter in the story  I was seeking so much advice 
>about.  Let me know what you think of it as a start.
>
>Alan
>
>The heart of it
>
>By: Alan Wheeler
>
>
>
>chapter one
>
>Heart Break
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>BUMP!!
>
>Michael looked up from his section of the Sunday paper as he and 
>Anna sat in the front of the first class section of the airplane. 
>The jolt of turbulence brought Michael back to his distracted 
>thoughts. He and Anna  weren't moving, no real "turbulence" for 
>them,  they were stagnating, standing still, and it was driving him mad.
>
>
>
>Oh, they loved each other, that wasn't the problem.  It was 
>communicating; communicating their love for each other to each 
>other, communicating without putting the other on the defensive all 
>the time.  Those were the problem areas for them and they both knew 
>it.  Yet, neither Michael or Anna took steps to remedy the 
>problem.  It had become like that proverbial elephant in the living 
>room that no one speaks of, but rather walks a wide circle around, 
>simply to avoid it.
>
>
>
>Michael had hoped their trip to South America would nudge them out 
>of this routine, cause them to break down barriers, but it didn't 
>happen that way.  No change occurred at all, in fact.
>
>
>
>He looked over at her as she read her Stephen King novel, and his 
>heart seemed to stutter in his chest, as beating every other 
>beat.  He loved her so much, and yet felt so far away.  It hurt him; 
>hurt him deep.  He caught her looking at him out of the corner of 
>her eye, and the look on her face told him in no uncertain terms she 
>was thinking about the very same things.  He saw the love in her 
>eyes, but he also saw a seemingly bottomless sadness and loneliness there, too.
>
>
>
>He wanted to throw down his newspaper, tell her just how deeply he 
>loved her and demand she say what she was thinking.  It was futile, 
>though.  It was futile because Michael knew that he would balk if 
>she made the same demand of him.  He had tried to open up, tried to 
>get past the barriers he felt between them, but it was like 
>body-slamming a brick wall.  All he could bring himself to do was 
>brush a lock of her long, black hair out of her face.  It was a 
>gesture of affection, to him, anyway, but she just vaguely glanced 
>at him out of the corner of her eye, and continued to read.
>
>
>
>
>
>***
>
>
>
>
>
>Anna felt Michael's hand brush the loose lock of hair.  She really 
>did love him.  He was like no man she had ever known, let alone 
>loved.  Yet, for her it seemed like her head was extroverted and her 
>heart introverted. She could talk with him about their work in South 
>America, the impact that work would have back in the states, and do 
>so for hours.
>
>
>
>On the other hand, though, ask her to express her love for him, and 
>it as if she were pathologically shy, or mute or something like that.
>
>
>
>Ask her to talk about some way, big or small in which Michael may 
>have hurt her, even just with a unintended sleight, and her 
>emotional throat closed up and her voice was, in a manner of speaking, gone.
>
>
>
>She hated herself for it but she kept waiting on Michael to be the 
>one to open up. She knew she should take the first step since it 
>seemed Michael never would.  Unfortunately, she seemed too mired in 
>it all to take that step.  She recalled how she once thought being a 
>better housewife would tilt  the balance, and cause them to open up 
>to each other.  But, it was like the lyric she had heard in a song 
>by the band Wilco says, "keeping things clean doesn't change anything."
>
>
>
>They both sat, mutely gazing at each other, suddenly and for no 
>apparent reason, and silently knew something had to break, and both 
>wondered if it ever would.
>
>
>
>***
>
>
>
>Suddenly, for Michael, something did.  It had nothing whatsoever to 
>do with their relationship.  It was pain, starting from the left 
>side of his chest and slowly radiating down his arm.  For the love 
>of everything holy, was he having a heart attack?  Here?  On this 
>airplane?  He squeezed Anna's hand, almost violently.  His eyes 
>registered her shock and horror as she realized something was wrong, 
>then everything faded to black, just like a TV show or movie.
>
>_______________________________________________
>Writers Division web site:
>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>
>stylist mailing list
>stylist at nfbnet.org
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
>To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for stylist:
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/n6yr%40sunflower.com