[stylist] Flirting with Monday chapter 7

[LoriStay at aol.com]

In a message dated 9/22/09 2:17:08 AM, qobells at roadrunner.com writes:


> 
> 
> "Glenn," she said with concern. "You don't look very well at all."
> 
> 

Ah, I found it!   Two n's in Glen (above).   You might want to do a search 
and replace in case it occurs again.



"headache," I said.
Need a capital here.


"You have to go to work," I insisted weakly,
Writers suggest not to use too many adverbs.   Insisted has the flavor of 
force, and weakly negates it.   It would be better to find another word for 
insisted, and not modify it.
Here is what the thesaurus has to say:

say, utter, pronounce, deliver, comment, remark, recite, voice, breathe, 
come out with, rap out, blurt out, state, assert, declare, hold forth, orate, 
declaim, spout, rant, recite, discourse, exhort, appeal, harangue, lecture, 
preach, invoke, sermonize, articulate, exclaim, etc.
I might have used the word managed, or mumbled.   Anything that sounds 
weak.

 Come on, Glenn," she said as if coaxing a child
This is the third time in this paragraph you say, "She said."   But we know 
who is speaking.   It isn't necessary to repeat it.   If you need pacing, 
you might say, "her voice grew gentle."


I don't know that I could have stopped Judy from driving me to the doctor 
in my own car, and then driving me back home and settling me on my own couch
I'm not sure you need to repeat the word "own" before couch.   If she drove 
him to his house, whose couch could he possibly be sitting on?

I turned my head to look at Judy.

"Thank you," I said wearily.
You can safely leave out the 'I said wearily.'   Since you have him turn 
his head towards Judy, keep the second sentence in the same paragraph, and 
it's obvious who is speaking.   


"you're welcome
Watch out for missing capitals after quote marks.   Word won't capitalize 
that letter for you, because it doesn't believe you are at the beginning of 
the line.   I have this problem continually.



"you're welcome," she said, her fingers cool on mine. "I will leave you to 
yourself. I'm going to walk to the bus stop," she said and go back to the 
station. I'll call you tomorrow,"
Missing quote marks, and it isn't really necessary to repeat "she said..."

The thing on my face whimpered, it was warm.
"it was warm" is repeated, and not necessary, since he identifies it as the 
thing on his face (that he already told us was warm in the first sentence)

 I looked out the window, to the small expanse of yard I hardly had time to 
cultivate. Working fifty-plus hours didn't leave much time for gardening. 
In my little town in Oregon I had at least had a garden of some sort but here 
there was hardly time for that
You repeat "hardly had time/hardly time"   Don't need the second or maybe 
move it so the first sentence says "...to my small expanse of yard."   

 My bare feet felt the cool tile, I stretched.
comma splice

 Take this morning for instance. It seemed that Judy always showed up at 
the right time, or at least out of nowhere. This morning
unnecessary repetition of "this morning."


The whirlwind ended around 10:00 pm everyone had to go to work the next 
day,
run-on sntence -- needs punctuation.
Also, most people don't work on January first, and you have them all 
heading to work.

Notes:   The repetition of the word "said" produces jarring, especially 
when it would be easily dispensed with.   Adverbs weaken your prose.   
Repetition makes your reader think you feel s/he is stupid.   Not a good technique.  
 

I haven't read the whole chapter, as I have work today.   Must go.
Lori