[stylist] stylist Digest, Vol 72, Issue 25

[Kerry Thompson]

Hi friends,

Bridget, I don't get the point of your piece. From the opening, I wondered if the narrator was going to throw a bomb into the center, for instance. The ideas are jumbled, don't progress logically. The writing itself is, forgive me, clunky. You're trying too hard. Relax and let it flow. Also, there are a few infelicities of word choice that you need to rethink. Most obviously, feet are not manicured, they are pedicured.

There’s a lot of emotion and strength in this piece. Maybe you need to set it aside for a while, a few weeks at least, to get some distance. That might help you sort out exactly what’s going on here and maybe expand each section. I get the feeling this is the kernel of an idea that can be realized as a much longer, more detailed piece, maybe novelette or novella length. There’s a lot of material here to explore.

And, I almost forgot; you need dialogue tags. I know they’re currently unfashionable, but besides being very helpful to the reader, they can also help the writer. You can use them to further the action and develop/display character. This piece has a good deal of potential. But, I’m afraid you have a lot of work ahead of you to bring it to fruition.

Donna, I enjoyed your article.

Solidarity and Peace,
Kerry