[stylist] feedback please

[Donna Hill]

    Judith,

A few things trouble me about this, but I'm having a hard time sorting 
out the root of the problem. Initially, my thought was that, though 
there is a lot of interest here, it is stiff and doesn't have an air of 
authenticity, especially the dialog. Maybe that's just me, but I can't 
see kids talking like this. I think a lot of the dialog, though it 
accurately represents the content of  what is going on, isn't necessary 
or  isn't the way the people in the situation would be speaking.

Then, I began to think that perhaps you are trying to do too much in 
Chapter 1 especially through the dialog. In intense scenes, I find 
myself more rivited when unnecessary physical descriptions such as 
"well-muscled"  are used sparingly, and when dialog is crisp. Looking 
back at the beginning, I don't think you need so much description of 
Jennifer's clothes, or even that Randy is a football player. He just saw 
the girl of his dreams hit by a car. I like the image of his hair 
blowing in every direction as he runs. In that moment, he's just a boy, 
not well-muscled or even a football player. Those things can be woven in 
later. If you want to use the descriptions of her clothes, why not make 
that part of the tention of the scene instead of incidental to it. Randy 
could look at her and see that her sweater was bloody or torn, for instance.

Also, when he says, "I'll get her foster mother. Where are they taking 
her?" I don't think having him deliver the information that she is a 
foster child which comes off as though he felt it necessary to correct 
the policeman who had asked for her parents. is in character. "Where are 
they taking her?" seems sufficient. I also don't know how important it 
is to the story for the policeman to explain that Arthur Memorial has 
the best trauma center. In this type of a crisis scene, extra stuff like 
that needs to have a future significance. If you want to include the 
info about the foster mother and how good of a hospital it is, why not 
stick it in the narrative when Randy and Sheila, Jennifer's foster 
mother, entered Arthur Memorial, the knowledge that the hospital had the 
best trauma center in the area wasn't enough to keep their hearts from 
thumping wildly ... or that they were clinging to what they'd always 
heard about it being the best.

In this section: [Unmindful of the flurry of activity around her 
Jennifer floated over her body, ending up in a different place.  A 
loving ethereal voice cut through the
fog addressing the bewildered girl.  "Jennifer, it's me, Mommy.  I've 
always loved you."] I think the phrase ending up in a different place"  
is unnecessary and detracts from the readers sense of going out of the 
body with her. It's redundant, literally -- if someone leaves somewhere, 
they end up somewhere else. I think there a number of these kinds of 
things that you can tighten up, which will help keep the reader's 
interest and save valuable words.

[Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after they brought 
Jennifer in.] I'm not sure what the significance of their arrival time 
being so close to Jennifer's arrival is. It made me wonder whether the 
ambulance had gotten stuck in traffic or if Sheila had run every red 
light in town to get there, or if Sheila had driven to the scene of the 
accident and followed them. In any case, I don't think my curiosity 
about it helped me focus on the story.


[The waiting doctors began their examination immediately.  Dr. Green, a 
balding man wearing wire rimmed glasses demanded, "Get the 
defibrillator!"] 

I don't think the first sentence does anything but detract from the 
urgency. If you have to use it, try dropping "immediately." Maybe your 
thought was to convey that the ambulance driver had called ahead and the 
doctors were waiting for her, which would impart more of a sense of how 
serious her condition was, but by confining that thought to an 
adjective, it roles by unnoticed and may cause some to wonder why they 
were waiting around. Didn't they have anything else to do? I also think 
that putting the dialog tag at the beginning of the next sentence 
detracts from the emergency of the situation.

"Get the defibrillator!" demanded Dr. Green, a balding man wearing wire 
rimmed glasses.

[The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate 
Jennifer.]  This sentence does several things that I don't think you are 
trying to convey. It slows things down (describing the people as the 
"medical" staff isn't necessary as we know we're in a hospital in an 
emergency situation). It also makes it seem like you, the author,  don't 
know what that equipment might be. Ask yourself what necessary 
information is missing from this sentence, "The staff began to 
resussitate Jennifer." If there is something crucial about conveying the 
information that the equipment wasn't right there then expand on that 
thought.

[Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about 
Jennifer.  Randy glanced at his watch.  "I have to call the coach to 
tell him I'm
not playing and Jennifer's not cheering this afternoon.  Be right back."]

This is an example of something that feels wrong/verbose for Randy. 
First of all, most football players don't say "the coach" they say just 
plain "Coach."How about either: "Gotta call Coach ... tell him what's 
happened," said Randy who couldn't imagine playing football under the 
circumstances. Or, "Gotta call Coach, tell him I can't come to the 
game." Then a little later you have Randy leaving for the football 
field. [At one point Randy said, "I can't do much here.  I better head 
over to the field.  Be back right after the game."] Why is he going? How 
did he get from calling the coach to say he wouldn't be playing to going 
in anyway? The explanation that there's nothing he can do by staying was 
true to begin with, if it's only helpfullness that is motivating him. He 
must be torn; the accident couldn't have come at a worse time on the day 
of a game that could determine this trophy.

We go from Sheila's thoughts to Randy coming back and Jennifer waking. 
We had been so close to Jennifer in her out-of-body experience that it 
feels like there's something missing here. I think the sandwich and 
asking if she really needs the oxygen aren't realistic. When people 
start to come out of unconsciousness, they often pull on the oxygen 
mask/tubing. As an exercise, get inside unconscious Jennifer's head and 
start to notice the real world. She's having this out-of-body experience 
that she doesn't want to leave. Imagine the first intrusions of the real 
world. She's going in and out of consciousness. She's not going to know 
where she is, or that she's even in a bed. She's not going to know it's 
oxygen. What will it feel like? a cool breeze in her face? What 
questions would go through her mind as she re focuses on her body and 
begins to acquire an understanding of where she is? Doesn't she even 
moan? Of course, if you are trying to plant in the reader's mind that 
food is so important to Jennifer that it's the first thing she says 
after waking, then I'd include a narrative suggesting that someone in 
the room thought it was strange.
 
I think the ideas are good, but you need to tighten things up. Mark 
Twain once said that a writer should remove all of the adverbs and then 
put back those which are necessary. Just some things to think about.
HTH,
Donna


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Judith Bron wrote:
> Good morning everyone.  I know you read most of this before, but I edited the heck out of it.  I want to know how this grabs the reader.  This time I'm only sending 2 chapters.  If anyone wants the third, just ask.  Thanks, Judith
>
>
> CHAPTER ONE
>
>  
>
> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>
> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place she could escape to for security.  Usually In her semi-hypnotic state she managed to be cognizant of the world around her.  But this Saturday morning she was so deep in thought she ignored the sounds of people talking, children playing and horns honking.  Wearing blue jeans, sweater and jacket the slender girl with sad eyes wandered aimlessly down the street thinking about her inability to love anyone.  Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed.  She lay on the street oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.  
>
> Randy, the well muscled captain of her high school football team ran towards the accident, his blond hair flying in all directions.  He saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her.  "Is she all right?"
>
> "Don't know.  Just called for an ambulance.  Who is she?"
>
>  "Jennifer Rabinowitz.  She lives a block from here."
>
> "Can you get her parents?"
>
> "I'll get her Foster mother.    Where are they taking her?"
>
> "Arthur Memorial.  They have a good Trauma Center."  
>
> Jennifer lay immobile and unconscious, her long light brown hair covering her face.  With one last glance at Jennifer Randy took off for the Hamilton house.
>
>  A burly technician at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen!  Respiratory distress!"
>
> Unmindful of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her body, ending up in a different place.  A loving ethereal voice cut through the fog addressing the bewildered girl.  "Jennifer, it's me, Mommy.  I've always loved you."  
>
> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after they brought Jennifer in.
>
> The waiting doctors began their examination immediately.  Dr. Green, a balding man wearing wire rimmed glasses demanded, "Get the defibrillator!"   
>
> Now aware of the serenity surrounding her in this new place Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay here.  My life is awful.  I can't love anyone."
>
> "Your life will get better.  Wonderful people will prove that you can love and be loved."  
>
> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate Jennifer.  Unaware of the panic around her Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want to go back.  I'm different from the other kids.  They remind me all the time."
>
> "Differences make identities.  You have a beautiful life ahead of you.  It's time to go back now."
>
> "No, Mommy!  Don't make me!"
>
> Dr. Green applied the panels to Jennifer's chest.  A huge burst of energy started her heart beating again.  Jennifer took a deep, labored breath.  
>
> As soon as she started breathing on her own they trundled her at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the doctors that neither her spine nor limbs were broken.  She hadn't suffered any internal injuries.  Dr. Green said to his team, "This is one lucky girl."  
>
> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about Jennifer.  Randy glanced at his watch.  "I have to call the coach to tell him I'm not playing and Jennifer's not cheering this afternoon.  Be right back."   
>
> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her bed gazing bleakly at the   oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.  Sheila, with the figure of an exercise enthusiast thought the scene was reminiscent of a nightmare!  Randy wondered if Jennifer, with her flawless complexion and sad eyes would ever cheer for a football game again.  After her recovery would she continue to take his breath away?  Once she was back to normal would she still refuse his dates?  
>
> Randy leaned forward and spoke to the sleeping girl.  "Keep fighting, Jennifer.  We're all pulling for you."
>
> At one point Randy said, "I can't do much here.  I better head over to the field.  Be back right after the game."  
>
> Sheila saw her open her eyes briefly before slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness.  Sheila couldn't tell.  She just kept watching, waiting and praying that her favorite foster child would survive.   
>
> When Randy returned after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few minutes.  Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>
> "Weak and sore.  Do I really need this oxygen?"
>
> "I'll check.  Can I get you something to eat?"
>
> "If it's not too much, I'd like a sandwich."
>
> "Let me find out."
>
> After she left Randy said, "I played today.  Everyone sends their best.  I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass.  We lost." 
>
> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy.  I know how much that trophy means to you."
>
> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila returned to the bedside.  "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.  I brought you a cheese sandwich."
>
> "Thanks, Sheila." 
>
> Sheila continued, "I have to get going.  Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work.  I'll send Ted up with your things.  See you in the morning."  She kissed Jennifer and headed for the parking lot.   
>
> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the document and little book Social Services gave her to be presented to Jennifer on her seventeenth birthday.  That was a few months away.  She sure wished she could give it to her now.  She had no way of proving it, but something told her this packet would unlock some of the answers Jennifer needed to understand her identity.    Both items were written in a foreign language.  She couldn't understand it and doubted Jennifer understood the language either.  Should she ask DSS if she could give it to the girl earlier?  With this issue unresolved she opened her car door and slid in. 
>
> A tall, good looking doctor entered the room moving with the assuredness of someone who evoked trust from his patients.  "Good evening, Jennifer.  I'm Dr. Jackson.  I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight.  Mrs. Hamilton asked the nurse about the oxygen.  I want to keep it going until tomorrow morning.  Dr. Green will evaluate you then.  Is there anything else I can do for you?"
>
> "Can I take a shower?"
>
> "The nurse will help you with that tomorrow morning.  Is everything else all right?"
>
> "I guess so.  Thanks."    
>
> She turned to Randy.  "I don't remember anything.  Can you tell me about it?"
>
> Randy described the accident scene that morning.  "While you were sleeping you looked so peaceful.  Do you remember anything?"
>
> She lied, "I don't remember a thing.  I had no idea it was that serious."
>
> "How do you feel now?" 
>
> "I nearly died, but other than that fine."
>
> Randy laughed. "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>
> "Sure.  But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>
> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>
> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head.  I need time to straighten it all out.  Right now you're the best friend I have in the world.  Just keep on being my friend.  That's the best thing you can do for me."
>
> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name.  Is that part of the problem?"
>
> "That's a big part.  I don't know who I am.  You guys know your parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need answers to important questions.  I haven't had that since I was two.  
>
> "I also have my career in clothing design to think about.  I guess that's my identity for now.  But how can you create an identity out of a spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions?  I need more than that.  I need to explore this Jewish thing.  I guess my parents were Jewish.  How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz?  At the moment I don't know where to begin my search."  
>
> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>
> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>
> Randy smiled.  "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who got into a fight and almost lost."
>
> "I guess I didn't lose.  When I get up my courage I'll look in the mirror."  
>
> "You're looking tired.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>
> "Good night, Randy.  Thanks for being here." 
>
> Jennifer laid back on the pillow hoping to make contact with her mother again.  She closed her eyes.  There was no loving voice, no hope, no purpose.  Only predictable blackness.  Her mother said that differences made identities.  What identity?  Could anything in the world unlock the mysteries of her life?
>
>  
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>  
>
> CHAPTER TWO 
>
>  
>
> The Same Saturday morning in Jenna, New York  
>
>  
>
> Standing on the bottom step Pessi smiled at her mother who lay on the sofa in the dining room.  "Mommy, can I get you anything before I leave for synagogue?"  
>
> "No thanks, dear."  Pessi saw the look in her mother's eyes and prepared for the same lecture Mrs. Goldberg had been delivering for months.  "Pessi, you have to become involved with the girls at school.  I know many of their mothers, and they are wonderful people."
>
> Pessi shrugged.  "I'm fine the way I am.  I like being alone."  
>
> Her mother rebuked, "It isn't normal for a sixteen year old girl to exist only for homework and her family.  You're a beautiful girl with a lot to offer others.  Please make an effort to become friends with the girls at school."  
>
> She fixed her eyes on Pessi's unruly hair.  "You can't go to Shul with your hair like that.  Put it in a bun."
>
> "I can't.  One of these days I'll get it cut."
>
> "Pessi, all I'm asking you to do is try."   
>
> Using the traditional Sabbath greeting Pessi answered curtly, "Good Shabbos, Mommy." She put on her ugly coat, stomped out of the house and headed for her father's synagogue.  She preferred to run her life her way, and if that meant being alone so be it. 
>
> After services Pessi quietly came up behind two schoolmates.  She heard the petite Miriam sporting perfectly styled dark hair say to Ruthie in her spike heals, "Can you believe she goes in public looking so disgusting?  Her coat is a reject from a charity sale.  Those shoes haven't been seen since the Revolutionary War! Her hair is a nesting place for rats with bad taste.  Nothing in the coatroom stood out like the moth holes in her coat!  Gross!  I hear she has a family, but no one with any self-respect has claimed her..  
>
> "I have to get home.  Rabbi Goldberg's speaking this afternoon.  Want to go?" 
>
> Ruthie flashed a perfect smile revealing the expertise of her orthodontist.   "Sure.  Everyone goes to hear Rabbi Goldberg."  
>
> "Great.  I'll pick you up after lunch."   
>
> Engrossed in their conversation Pessi didn't think the renowned gossips noticed her.  Pessi had to smile at their creative comments.  She knew very well how she looked, but circumstances did this to a person.  Could girls like Ruthie and Miriam ever understand there were more important things in a girl's life than clothes and beauticians?  
>
> Under the dreary November sky Chavy Levy headed home from the synagogue her parents attended for years.  The most popular girl in her class, Chavy had only three problems.  She had to lose 10 pounds, her older brother Yigal had to be the most obnoxious person in the world to live with, and she hated math.  She couldn't figure out why she had to be in a class which had nothing to do with her future.  She had no idea what she would be doing after graduation, but becoming a math teacher wasn't an option!  Still, she had to pass or her parents would have a fit.  While strolling along on this Shabbos, Sabbath, morning she admired her surroundings where the men wore traditional hats and younger boys donned skullcaps appropriate for children.  Chavy tossed her shining brown hair over her shoulder, and focused her beautiful brown eyes on the passers by. Women walked with husbands, children or friends. All wore clothing reflecting the special day.  This afternoon Chavy and her friend
> s planned to go to the B'nos club for girls which met every Shabbos or Saturday afternoon to hear Rabbi Goldberg.  Chavy honestly believed her class to be the greatest.  They all got along while having a ball working together except for Pessi Goldberg who didn't talk to anyone.  Chavy shrugged and continued on.  
>
> At home her mother greeted her.  "Good Shabbos, Chavy.  Can you finish this salad?"
>
> "Sure."  
>
> A few minutes later the family assembled in the dining room for their Shabbos day meal.  The legendary arguments between Chavy and her good looking brother Yigal started almost immediately.  "Chavy, where's the grape juice?"
>
> "On the door of the fridge."
>
> "Why isn't it on the table?  You know I can't start my meal without it."  Yigal needed to say the required prayer over wine or grape juice before his Shabbos meal. 
>
> "Go get it.  The bottle isn't heavy."
>
> Their father boomed, "I've had enough from the two of you!  You can both bring the juice to the table."  They glanced at each other before getting up.  The Rabbi continued, "When you get back I don't want either of you saying a word.  Obviously you're not mature enough to talk decently to anyone."     
>
> Done straightening up after the meal Chavy and her cute sister Chumy got ready for B'nos.  Yigal told Chavy, "You better be home for sudat shlishit.  You're the only one who prepares the third Sabbath meal so well."  
>
> "It would serve you right if I couldn't be here. Then you'll be forced to make it yourself!" 
>
> "I can't even compliment you without some smart remark.  OK Chavy, Don't come home to make your horrid food.  We'll live longer without it!"  He smiled at her revealing the dimple in his right cheek. 
>
> "All right, Yigal.  I won't be here.  I'm sure I can find a place where they'll take me in."  
>
> "Don't bet on it, Chavy.  It obviously takes a strong person like me to put up with you."  
>
> At the school door Chavy heard the tenth grade yentas behind her.  Miriam said, "Do you think the reject with the rat's nest on her head wearing her home for displaced moths will show up?"   
>
> Ruthie nastily answered, "I don't think she'd have the nerve to socialize with civilized society.  B'nos isn't a place for rejects."  
>
> Chavy's temper flared.  "Don't you have anything else to talk about?  What bothers you about a girl you don't know?  Life contains a lot of hard lessons.  Someday you'll find that out."  The two of them returned her dirty look before going to hang up their coats.  
>
> Chavy entered the school auditorium, already half full for the Rabbi's lecture.  To her surprise Pessi sat alone in the back.  She saw the overgrown hair, ugly shoes, and sad eyes.  Chavy wondered about this girl who arrived at school just as the bell rang and always left when the first dismissal bell sounded without a word to anyone.  During lunch she sat reciting verses from her Psalm book saying nothing to any of the girls.  Gossips like Miriam and Ruthie entertained themselves with Pessi Goldberg jokes, but most girls tried to get Pessi involved with the mainstream student body.  When it was obvious they failed, the feeling became pity.   
>
> Now Chavy observed the brunt of jokes by the narrow minds and object of pity for most of the girls, feeling bewildered.  Well, the bewilderment had to stop and once and for all she had to make contact with this mysterious girl.  She never remembered seeing Pessi before on Shabbos.  The contrast between Pessi's clothes and the others was glaring.  While most girls dressed up for Shabbos, Pessi wore a simple skirt and sweater appropriate for the weekday.  Pessi sat reading the same Psalm book she read all week.  Chavy knew the time had come to jump over Pessi's self constructed barrier.   
>
> With fortified convictions she approached her classmate.  "Good Shabbos, Pessi."  
>
> "Good Shabbos, Chavy.  I'm waiting for Rabbi Goldberg.  I need some of the emotional support he always gives."  Pessi returned to her book, signaling the end of the conversation.    Chavy never remembered Pessi communicating more than a cursory greeting until now.  
>
> Determined to help her classmate Chavy said, "Pessi, come sit with the class."  
>
> Pessi raised her clear blue eyes.  "I'm fine right here."  She lowered her eyes to her book, again conveying the end of the conversation.  
>
> Though an assertive girl who always managed to control any situation she found herself in, Chavy felt intimidated by Pessi who exhibited a certain inner strength she couldn't match.   Baffled, she sat down near the girl, trying to think of what she could say to at least entice her to join the group.  "Pessi, you're a nice girl, but you don't talk to anyone."  
>
> "My life is different. I have nothing in common with any of you."  Pessi's attention returned to her book. 
>
> Chavy stared at the girl praying from her Psalm book.  Pessi could be very pretty if she had a hair cut and nicer clothes.  Her blue eyes, outlined by dark, long, luxurious lashes, seemed sad.  Chavy wondered what lay under this façade.  
>
> Both girls were sixteen, but Pessi had never been to a school social event, a class birthday party or someone else's house for Shabbos.  
>
> She had to try one more time.  "Pessi, we want to be your friend.  Please come sit with us."  
>
> "Chavy, I'm here for the Rabbi's lecture, and have to go when it's over. I don't have time to stay for refreshments."  
>
> "All I'm asking you to do is sit with us.  I already told my brother I'm not coming back to make Sudat shlishit for him.  I don't feel like it.  How about it?  Come sit with us, stay for refreshments, and I'll go back to help you with whatever you have to do."  
>
> In a soft voice Pessi answered, "I don't want to impose."  
>
> The well-rehearsed Chavy shot back, "I don't want to go back to my brothers today.  I'll go home with you and call my father after Shabbos to pick me up."  
>
> Chavy was good.  Pessi felt herself giving in.    She smiled for the first time.   "All right, Chavy.  Let's go sit with the others."  
>
> The tall girls reached the front of the auditorium just as the Rabbi with his salt and pepper beard started towards the podium.  
>
> The audience turned their undivided attention to Rabbi Goldberg, but no one turned greater concentration to the speaker than Pessi.  
>
> Today the theme of the lecture encompassed the difficult things confronted by people, and how individuals should perceive challenging situations.  
>
> "If someone isn't well we look at that as unfortunate.  It's terrible to see someone suffer with illness.  As Jewish people we're told to say Psalms with the hope they recover.  But                      what happens if they don't recover?  What happens if we said our Tehillim, and they pass away, Heaven forbid, anyway?  Should we think our prayers weren't answered?  No."  The Rabbi looked straight at Pessi. "It has nothing to do with us.  Let me try to bring it down to a more comprehensible level.  
>
> "Let's say I bring to one of you high school girls a blueprint from the best architect in the country.  He has drawn plans for the biggest, best building this country has ever seen.  You're high school girls and, to the best of my knowledge, none of you ever studied architecture."  The girls giggled and he continued.  "So, I go to your desk, put down the drawing and ask what you think.  What are you supposed to say?  You have no idea how to evaluate such diagrams."  The girls wondered where he was going with this analogy. "Why are the heating pipes over there?  Why are there no windows on that wall?  Considering the best architect in the country drew the plan wouldn't it make sense he knew what he was doing?  The architect knew how different forces worked together to make the building a viable one.  You see girls, you have no right interpreting the architect's drawing or expressing an opinion.  Only someone of equal stature to the architect has that right.  
>
> "The Almighty is the architect of the world.  Only He knows if something is good or bad.  Because we aren't on His level we can't objectively judge what He does.  As with the blueprint, we can say the windows look better on the left rather than the right, but the architect knows about the airflow in the building, and how the other infrastructures will work together.  We don't know architecture or understand the blueprint of the world.  But as the customer trusts the architect, we trust the Almighty because only He knows what is best."
>
> Pessi turned closer attention to him with tears streaming down her face.  Chavy wondered about her reaction. 
>
>   "We can say we're saying Tehillim for the sick and, Heaven forbid, they pass away.  Weren't our prayers good enough?  We know they were, but what the Almighty knows is good isn't always what we think of as acceptable.  In the end we don't even know how to judge good as it pertains to individual situations.  In short, girls, there are no answers.  We know our Father in heaven doesn't intentionally hurt his children."  
>
> Chavy saw the Rabbi speaking directly to a sobbing Pessi.  If only Chavy understood her problem perhaps there would be something she could do.  
>
> The Rabbi continued, "Our responsibility is to show our Father we love Him as we carry out His commandments, religious obligations, with our heartfelt joy.  Before I leave I want each of you to take your Tehillim book and say two Psalms for each of these people who aren't well.  Hopefully, our prayers will be heard and these people will be granted a speedy and complete recovery."  He read three names using the Hebrew name of the person followed by the Hebrew name of their mother.  Pessi blinked back tears and opened the book.  A short while later the Rabbi said, "Good Shabbos, girls" indicating the end of the lecture.  
>
> The girls headed for the lunchroom where a beautiful dessert buffet awaited them. Beside Chavy Pessi said, "I have a question for the Rabbi.  Be right back."  
>
> Chavy's love for delectable goodies led her to the fattening dessert buffet..  She spotted fruit on the other table and reluctantly took a plate of the colorful, but less fattening food.   
>
> Chavy glanced at Pessi talking to Rabbi Goldberg.  She must have had a simple question.  She spent only a minute with the Rabbi before heading back to Chavy.  
>
> Pessi picked up a pastry.  "These pastries are great!"  
>
> "You're so skinny you could probably eat the whole table and never show it.  I have weight to lose so I stick to fruit.  Have some, it's good."  
>
> Pessi laughed, reaching for another pastry.  "Chavy, I have to get going.  My mother isn't well."  
>
> "No problem.  I can eat only so much fruit."  
>
> When they finished eating Pessi and Chavy headed for the coat room under the watchful gazes of Miriam and Ruthy. 
>
> Pessi wondered if she was making the right move.  How come she decided to leave the school with Chavy today?  Was she proving that despite her strong resolve she needed someone?  Absolutely not!  She predicted that by Monday Chavy would be totally bored with her and both of them would return to their own corner of the world.  That would be all the proof she needed to show her mother that she didn't need anyone else in her life.  
>
> Pessi lived some distance from the school.  On the streets they traveled Chavy didn't see any of the sights she associated with Shabbos afternoon in her neighborhood.  
>
> Pessi clung to her pride, still not completely sure about letting another girl into her life.  She glanced at Chavy's beautiful gray wool coat with black velvet collar and cuffs.  She remembered how it felt to be wearing such a fine garment, but that was in the past.    
>
> Chavy felt Pessi's discomfort.  She tried chatting about school activities, upcoming tests and the weather.  Pessi wanted to discuss classes and course work.  
>
> Chavy still believed Trigonometry to be an obscure planet, but in her soft voice Pessi discussed it with the ease Chavy spoke of her favorite foods.
>
> Fifteen minutes later they arrived.  Like others in the neighborhood the small, run-down house appeared as if it had seen better days.  Chavy didn't care.  Over the years she had been friends with girls from the biggest and best homes and others from houses like this.  She didn't choose her friends according to their zip codes.  
>
> The two girls entered Pessi's dingy foyer.     Immediately a round faced little boy ran to her. "Good Shabbos, Pessi!"  
>
> Pessi picked him up asking, "Moshe, did you take care of Mommy?" 
>
> His expression turned serious. "Mommy read me a book."
>
> "I'm sure she enjoyed that.  Let's go see her."      
>
> On the sofa in the dining room lay Pessi's mother, a gaunt and obviously very ill woman.  Pessi gave her mother a kiss before stooping to pick up her blanket from the floor. She lovingly spread it over her.  "Good Shabbos, Mommy.  This is Chavy Levy from school.  Tatty said she could come home with me."  
>
>   "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chavy."  
>
> Chavy hoped her shock didn't show.  The Rabbi was Pessi's father?  "It's so nice to meet you, Mrs. Goldberg."  
>
> "How did Tatty's lecture go, Pessi?"   
>
> A bell rang in Chavy's mind.  Whatever was in the Rabbi's speech today had been planned to address an issue in his daughter's life.  Gazing at the emaciated woman on the couch wearing a pretty scarf on her head Chavy began to understand the message.  
>
> Pessi's eyes darted from her mother to Chavy.  "Chavy didn't know my father is Rabbi Goldberg.  I never told anyone.  The lecture was one of the best he ever gave."  
>
> "Why did you keep your father's identity a secret?"
>
> "I feel better being a private person."   
>
> "Even though people know who your father is, you can still be a private person.  Could you please set out sudat shlishit before Tatty gets home?"  
>
> Pessi chose to ignore her mother's latest prelude to a fight.  "Sure.  I'll do it now."  
>
> After arriving home Rabbi Goldberg greeted their guest before turning to his wife. "Shayna, can I help you to the table?" 
>
> "I would like that, thank you."  
>
> The Rabbi supported his wife the short distance from the sofa to the table.  He then said, "Everybody can go and wash."  
>
> Moshe brought a bowl and cup of water for his mother to ritually wash her hands.  Mrs. Goldberg was too weak to wash at the sink with everyone else.  
>
> In the tiny kitchen with doors falling off cabinets Chavy asked Pessi, "Can you come to my house after Shabbos if I help you clean up?  My father can pick us up."  
>
> "I'll ask."  Back at the table the Rabbi said the blessing on the bread and they all took a bite from their roll.  Pessi asked, "Tatty, Chavy wants to know if I can go to her house after Shabbos.  Can I?"  
>
> Mrs. Goldberg immediately answered, "Go, dear.  It's good for you to get out." Rabbi Goldberg added, "You can go if you have a ride home."  
>
> "I'll ask my father, but it shouldn't be a problem."  
>
> "In that case I give my permission.  Have a good time."  
>
> Two dark haired teenage boys with small beards entered the house.  Pessi said, "Those are my brothers."   
>
> Chavy glanced at the boys headed for the kitchen to wash in preparation for their meal.
>
>  Avi Goldberg heard his father say, "Chavy, your father and I are very close friends.  I know Rabbi Levy for many years."
>
> Avi stifled his laughter.  So his best friend Yigal Levy's sister was Pessi's new friend?  He already agreed with all the complaints about her.    Why did Pessi pick up such a pain in the neck?  
>
> After a brief talk by the Rabbi on the week's Torah reading Chavy quietly asked Pessi, "Why did you keep your father's identity a secret?" 
>
> Pessi thought about the giant plunge she had taken, wondering if she should share anything more about her life.  Seeing the sincere expression in Chavy's eyes convinced her.  "Goldberg is a very common name.  No one knows except you now.  I'm happier being anonymous."  
>
> The two girls said the blessing after the meal before going into the dinette.  
>
> Pessi started in a low voice.  "My mother has cancer.  She's getting chemo once a week, but her reports aren't good.  We moved to Jenna ten months ago to be closer to better hospitals.  My father used to have a big congregation and good job, but since moving here he hasn't been successful.  I wear weekday clothes on the Sabbath because my last Shabbos outfit doesn't fit.  
>
> "I didn't want to get close to the girls at school.  They look at my disgusting hair, inappropriate clothes and don't want that either."  Chavy's eyes remained riveted on Pessi.  
>
> "I'm so nervous about my mother that all I do is go to school, keep up this house, help my mother and family, and pray.  My father gave the speech today for me.  I love my mother and can't face what's happening."
>
> Chavy wondered how Pessi dealt with all these challenges.  
>
> "You're the first girl I brought home from school since moving to Jenna.  My parents always say they want me to have friends, but I'm ashamed of our situation.  I prefer being alone with my problems rather than being the object of pity or ridicule.  This issue has been a source of conflict between my mother and me."  
>
> "Pessi, if you hung up a few curtains with some pictures this place wouldn't be half bad."  
>
> "We can't afford curtains, and don't have any pictures.  We had paintings where we lived before, but Tatty sold them for Mommy's medical care.  The drapes in the old house were custom made so we left them."  
>
> "My mother has a closet full of curtains.  Every time she sees a sale she replaces ours.  Also, I have some clothes I got too fat for.  I'll show them to you later.  Don't be ashamed.  None of us lives in a palace.  
>
> "Also, there's Chesed at school.  As you know this group does community service.  They can come and help you out a few times a week.  I know the girl in charge of it. I'll discuss it with her tomorrow."  
>
> "Don't talk to her, Chavy.  I'm ashamed.  My beautiful mother is so sick and looks terrible."  
>
> "Don't be ashamed.  There's nothing wrong with you. When your mother recovers she'll look better."  
>
> Pessi started crying, arousing Chavy's concern.  "Pessi, I didn't mean to upset you."  
>
> "The doctors say now Mommy won't get any better.  They want to stop her therapy."  
>
> Chavy put her arm around Pessi's shoulders.  From what little she understood about cancer, she knew that when a doctor said a person wouldn't get any better and stopped the treatment it didn't mean they expected good news.  
>
> "We all know it's the end.  My mother is happy you came over today.  She's been telling me for a long time I need to find friends.  I tried to ignore it because I have too much to do and don't want anyone to know how poor we are."  
>
> "Don't worry about what the others think.  Tonight we're raiding my mother's curtain closet.  Tomorrow after school we go to work."  They smiled at each other.  Pessi had a friend for the first time in years.   
>
> Chavy called her father after Shabbos.  He agreed to pick them up and bring Pessi back later.  
>
> Chavy approached the sofa.  "Thank you for a wonderful Shabbos, Mrs. Goldberg."  
>
> "The pleasure is all ours, Chavy.  It's wonderful to see Pessi with a girl her age.  My little one, Suri, is at a friend's now, but Pessi stays home to do everything I should be doing around here."
>
>  "Mommy!  I told you I help you because I love you.  Don't insinuate I'm something exceptional when I'm just doing what I want."
>
> Pessi turned and led the way to the foyer.    
>
> Back at Chavy's Yigal stood in the kitchen with a dishtowel over his arm glaring at his sister.  "I'll get you for this, Chavy Levy!  This is cruel and unusual punishment! Mommy felt that since my mouth caused you to not come right home I deserved this horrible fate.  Our dear sister Chumy insisted I dry.  It should be illegal to have little sisters!" 
>
> "Yigal, when you find yourself a good wife I'll help you pack your bags."  
>
> Pessi joined the laughter unable to remember the last time she laughed from genuine happiness.  
>
> Yigal turned to Pessi.  "Is Avi Goldberg your brother?"  
>
> "Yes.  Do you know him?" 
>
> "Sure.  We go to Yeshiva together.  I tell him about my pain in the neck sister, but he insists his sister's a doll.  Can you teach my sister to be a doll?" 
>
> "My brothers look at me as a doll because we treat each other with respect.  Respect works two ways."   
>
> "Yigal, after you learn from the Goldberg boys how to treat a good sister perhaps Pessi can teach me a few things.  Until then, cut the complaining."  
>
> Chumy said, "Back to work, Yigal.  Only a few dishes to go."  
>
> Mrs. Levy, a tall lady whose daughters bore her winning smile came to greet Pessi.  Chavy asked, "Mommy, you know all those curtains you have hanging in the closet?" 
>
> "Yes, dear.  Why?"  
>
> "Can we go through them to choose some for Pessi's house?"  
>
> "Sure.  I'm sure Mrs. Goldberg will enjoy them."  
>
> Bassie Levy visited Shayna Goldberg every week since the family moved to Jenna and they became good friends, but Bassie knew the extent of her illness..  Last week she confided they were stopping treatment.  Everyone knew what that meant.  
>
> Downstairs the girls started going through the closet.  In time they came back with curtains and a few paintings.  Mrs. Levy approved everything before the two headed up to Chavy's room.  
>
> Chavy smiled at Pessi.  "You're a very pretty girl.  All you need is a good haircut.  I cut Chumy's and some of my friends' hair all the time.  I enjoy doing it and they always come out of my bathroom looking great.  Can I do yours?" 
>
> "If it's not too much trouble, I'd love it.  I can't remember the last time I had a good haircut."   
>
> In the upstairs bathroom she took her scissors and began working her magic.  Once done she stood behind Pessi admiring the image in the mirror.  "Pessi, you have the darkest, thickest hair I ever saw.  You'll be the envy of every girl in the school."  
>
> "When my hair's properly cut it's my best feature."  
>
> No it's not.  Those beautiful blue eyes with your dark hair are an unbeatable match."   
>
> "This feels great!  Thank you."  
>
> In her bedroom Chavy took two outfits from her closet. "Here are two good Shabbos outfits that Don't fit anymore.  If they fit they're yours.  Here's a pair of black shoes I outgrew.  They're in perfect condition.  Want to try them on?"  
>
> Pessi gazed at the lovely clothing.  Her jaw settled into the same stubborn line Chavy witnessed earlier.  "I feel strange accepting these beautiful things.  I never took charity before."
>
> "This isn't charity.    I don't want to keep pushing the hangers that represent the way I used to be."  
>
> Pessi took a long while to make up her mind.  Chavy thought she would leave the clothes on the bed.  
>
> Eventually Pessi took off her sweater and pulled on the top to a black and white outfit that matched the pretty black pumps.  The shoes fit perfectly.  Seeing her reflection in the mirror she couldn't believe the difference.  She tried on the other stylish gray and pink wool outfit.  
>
> Chavy sighed.  "I wish I could be as skinny as you."  
>
> "Don't be silly, Chavy.  You look fine the way you are!"
>
>  "That's very nice of you, but I can read a scale."  Pessi sat on one of the beds observing Chavy's attractive room with white walls and pretty blue plush carpet.  She turned back to Chavy.  "At first I believed that by Monday morning you would be sick of me and my problems, and we would have both crept back into our own lives.  But I was wrong.  I know you aren't turned off at our run-down house or my beautiful mother who looks awful now.  I knew from the beginning you didn't take a look at my inappropriate clothes and figure they told my whole story.  
>
> "I'm familiar with most of the girls.  Tatty learns the holy books with many of their fathers. A lot of their mothers visit mine.  
>
> "If I didn't have to go straight home after school, I might be willing to make friends with the girls.  My mother has been trying to get me to do that..  We argue about it constantly. I have the right to run my own life, but she feels that I'm too much of a loner.   I love her, but this is one topic we'll never agree on.  I'm just more comfortable being a hermit."
>
>  "Are you really comfortable like that?" 
>
> "I don't know right now.  Let's see how it goes.  I can be social with the other girls at school, but our relationships will end at the school door."   
>
> Chavy ignored her last statement.  "I want Chesed to help you out.  You need and deserve it.  I'll just say one of your parents isn't well so the responsibility for everything is on your shoulders."  
>
> "In spite of our poverty, I'm a proud person and never took such generous charity."
>
> "It's not charity.  Chesed girls go out to help people all week long.  They say they need the help for one reason or another and we send them girls."
>
> Pessi remained quiet for a long time.  Chavy thought she would refuse her suggestion.  
>
> "I could use the help.  Thank you."  For the first time in five years Pessi admitted needing anyone.  It shocked her to realize this big step felt mighty good.
>
> "Tomorrow in school I'll try to be more a part of the class.  I'll say my Tehillim, but will also try to talk to the other girls."  
>
> "For the fall holidays we attended your father's Synagogue.  My mother mentioned our fathers were classmates in Yeshiva.  Did you know that?"  
>
> "He never told me their relationship dated back to their days in school."  
>
> Mrs. Levy knocked on the door.  "Girls, Tatty can take Pessi home now."  
>
> Chavy helped Pessi take everything out to the car.
>
> At home Pessi's mother lay on her couch and her father was studying the Holy books in his office.  When she entered the room Mrs. Goldberg stared at her.  "Pessi!  You're gorgeous!  Who cut your hair?" 
>
> "Chavy.  She cuts her sister Chumy's hair all the time.  What do you think?" She turned around to give her mother the full effect.  
>
> "I love it.  You must keep it up."  
>
> Her mother noticed the bags she carried.  "What do you have there?" 
>
> "Mrs. Levy buys curtains every time she sees a sale so has lots of them in the basement.  She gave me some to try to make this place look better.  They also gave me a few pictures."   
>
> "I'll get Avi and Yitzy to hang up rods and picture hooks tomorrow.  What else do you have?" 
>
> "Chavy gained some weight so doesn't fit into a few of her outfits.  There's also a pair of shoes she outgrew."  
>
> Mrs. Goldberg admired everything. "They're all beautiful, Pessi.  Wear everything well, dear."  Pessi kissed her mother good night and headed for her room.  Shayna knew Pessi withdrew from the world of other girls because of their poverty and her illness.  She would take her guilt to her grave. 
>
>  
>
> Before going to bed that night Sheila took the little book and paper out of a drawer.  She glanced at the foreign writing and wondered what it could mean for Jennifer.  Was any of this writing relevant to the girl's identity?  She shrugged and returned it to its place.  
>
>  
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