[stylist] chapter one

Judith Bron jbron at optonline.net
Mon May 24 22:19:45 UTC 2010


Thanks Donna!  I appreciate your opinion.  Best, Judith
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Donna Hill" <penatwork at epix.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 5:16 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one


> Hi Judith,
> Wow! You did it! This is great!  I like how you collapsed some things for 
> brevity and added some details about her perceptions as she came to. I 
> like that you let the reader in on knowing about the package.
> Keep up the good work,
> Donna
>
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> Judith Bron wrote:
>> Hi guys, I redid chapter one using a lot of the suggestions you 
>> suggested.  I would appreciate your feedback.  Judith
>>
>> CHAPTER ONE
>>
>>
>> The last thing Jennifer Rabinowitz remembered was a stranger's voice 
>> yelling, "Watch out!"  The oncoming car struck her causing the young girl 
>> to fly into the air like a spinning top and land flat on her back on the 
>> busy Curtis Cove Street.  She remembered standing outside her body as the 
>> emergency medical technicians worked frantically to save her life. Randy, 
>> her best friend and captain of their high school football team, ran to 
>> get Sheila, Jennifer's foster mother.
>>
>> Jennifer gazed around this strange place.  Where was she?  Behind her was 
>> a busy street, and in front of her a dark corridor faintly lit with rows 
>> of what appeared to be flickering candles.
>> Jennifer felt enshrouded by the protection of pure love.  This was a 
>> totally strange sensation.  Never in her life had she felt so secure. 
>> She heard a voice say, "I'm here, Jennifer.  I love you."
>>
>> "M..Mommy?" Jennifer stammered.  "But you're dead!"
>>
>> "No one is dead," her mother reassured her.  "Go back.  It's not your 
>> time."
>>
>> "Go back to what?" Jennifer challenged.  "To a foster family?  To a town 
>> that mocks me, mocks my name, and all that I want to be?  Why?"
>>
>> "You have lessons to learn," her mother returned.
>>
>> "What lessons?  What can life teach me?"
>>
>> "To live.  To love.  To hope.  To know who you are--and what you are!"
>>
>> "I love you mommy.  You're the only one who can love me!  No one here 
>> ..."
>>
>> At the word "here," Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware of intense 
>> pain and completely disoriented.
>>
>> This place smelled of disinfectant.  What was she doing in this sterile 
>> environment lying on a hospital bed with needles poking her and Sheila 
>> leaning over her?  Her hand instinctively reached to pull the needles 
>> from her arm.
>> Sheila's hand covered hers.  "Jennifer.  Are you there?  Jennifer!  Come 
>> back."
>>
>> Jennifer tried focusing on this strange place.  "Where's Randy?" Somehow 
>> she knew he should be there.
>>
>> "I sent him to the football field.  He has that important game today.  He 
>> didn't want to go until the doctor said you'd be all right."
>> "I was dead," Jennifer stated.  "I was dead, but Mommy sent me back."
>>
>> "You had a dream," Sheila responded quickly.  "We thought we'd lost you."
>>
>> A handsome man in Doctor's whites nudged Sheila away.  "Are you back with 
>> us, Jennifer?  What do you remember?"
>>
>> Jennifer thought about the question.  He couldn't mean her meeting with 
>> Mommy.  No.  He'd think she had a dream, the way Sheila did.
>>
>> "Jennifer!  Stay with me!"
>>
>> "A car," Jennifer said.  "Was I hit?  Am I badly hurt?"
>>
>> " Mostly bruised,  I think.  You tell me."
>>
>> Jennifer repositioned herself on the bed.  " I don't think anything's 
>> broken."
>>
>> "Quite right.  What day is it?"
>>
>> The day?  Jennifer tried to focus.  "Oh!  Saturday!  I have to get back 
>> to my sewing machine!  I'm making outfits for Mrs. Nelson's twins," she 
>> added to chase away the doctor's raised eyebrow.  "I'm quite good.  I 
>> plan to design clothing when I finish high school."
>>
>> "Ah, I see."
>> He turned to Sheila.  "Your daughter will be fine, Mrs. Rabinowitz."
>>
>> "I'm Mrs. Hamilton.  Jennifer is my foster daughter."
>>
>> Jennifer allowed her thoughts to return to that dark corridor and all 
>> inclusive feeling of love.  A feeling she never had before.  Sheila did 
>> her best, but she could never give her the same love as her real mother. 
>> Whatever love was.  Jennifer had only a hazy idea of what that concept 
>> meant.  At this point in her life she didn't feel capable of giving or 
>> receiving that special emotion.
>> When Randy returned from the game Jennifer smiled weakly at him.  "Hi, 
>> Randy.  How did it go?"
>>
>> "I'll tell you after you tell me how you feel."
>>
>> In a frail voice Jennifer answered.  "I feel weak and sore.  I remember 
>> you running up to me."
>>
>> "Sure I did.  We lost the game.  I missed a touchdown pass."
>>
>> "I'm sorry, Randy.  I know how much that trophy means to you."
>>
>> "Right now I'm more worried about you than the trophy."
>>
>> Sheila said, "I have to get going.  Cindy has plans for the evening and 
>> Ted has to work.  I'll send Ted up with your things."  She kissed 
>> Jennifer and headed for the parking lot.
>>
>> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with an 
>> inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man.  He had 
>> said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in 
>> the holocaust.  This little packet containing a small book and paper were 
>> given to me to deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by 
>> her parents.  It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday. 
>> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  A good 
>> day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the front window to 
>> watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on the driveway or street. 
>> There was no man walking away from the house.  Totally spooked, she ran 
>> to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and placed it with 
>> other papers in her dresser.
>> A few days later her curiosity got the better of her and she opened it. 
>> The material was written in a foreign language with non-English 
>> characters.  Sheila couldn't read it and doubted Jennifer could read it 
>> either.  Now Jennifer had survived what should have been a catastrophic 
>> accident.  Did that book and paper have anything to do with Jennifer's 
>> survival?  She sure wished she could hand the packet to Jennifer rather 
>> than waiting two months.  She couldn't wait until it was out of her 
>> possession.  But she was so freaked about everything that she dared not 
>> disregard the wishes of the messenger.  She opened her car door and slid 
>> in.
>> A white haired doctor, different than the one Jennifer had seen earlier, 
>> entered the room.  "Hello, Jennifer.  I'm Doctor Green and I'll be 
>> handling your case.  Is there anything I can do for you?"
>>
>> "Can you take these needles out of my arm?"
>>
>> "I want to keep the fluids going until tomorrow morning.  I'll evaluate 
>> you then.  What else can I do for you?"
>> "Can I take a shower and have something to drink?"
>>
>> "The nurse will help you with a shower in the morning and I'll send 
>> someone in with some juice.  See you tomorrow."
>>
>> After he left Randy asked, "How do you feel now?"
>> "I nearly died, but other than that fine."
>>
>> Randy laughed. "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>> "Sure.  But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."  She 
>> sounded so fragile.
>>
>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>> Extreme weakness punctuated her speech.  "Randy, there's a lot going on 
>> in my head.  I need time to straighten it all out.  Right now you're the 
>> best friend I have in the world.  Just keep on being my friend.  That's 
>> the best thing you can do for me."
>>
>> In a sympathetic voice Randy continued. "I know others give you a hard 
>> time about your last name.  Is that part of the problem?"
>>
>> Jennifer opened the juice container a nurse laid on her table.  "That's a 
>> big part.  I don't know who I am.  You guys know your parents, what they 
>> expect from you and people to turn to when you need answers to important 
>> questions.  I haven't had that since I was two.
>> "I also have my career in clothing design to think about.  I guess that's 
>> my identity for now.  But how can you create an identity out of a spool 
>> of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions?  I need more than that. 
>> I need to explore this Jewish thing.  I guess my parents were Jewish. 
>> How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz?  At the moment I 
>> don't know where to begin my search."
>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>
>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>
>> Randy smiled.  "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who 
>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>
>> "I guess I didn't lose.  When I get up my courage I'll look in the 
>> mirror."
>> "You're looking tired.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>
>> "Good night, Randy.  You're the best friend anyone could have.  Thanks 
>> for being here."
>> Jennifer closed her eyes hoping to make contact with her mother again. 
>> But there was no loving voice, no hope, no purpose.  Only predictable 
>> blackness.  Her mother told her that she had to live, love, hope and know 
>> who she was.  But where could she learn about all these things that other 
>> kids knew from the minute they were born?  She felt aware of her physical 
>> pain and an emptiness inside.  "Come back to me, Mommy.  I need you."
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