[stylist] chapter one
Judith Bron
jbron at optonline.net
Mon May 24 22:19:45 UTC 2010
Thanks Donna! I appreciate your opinion. Best, Judith
----- Original Message -----
From: "Donna Hill" <penatwork at epix.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, May 24, 2010 5:16 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one
> Hi Judith,
> Wow! You did it! This is great! I like how you collapsed some things for
> brevity and added some details about her perceptions as she came to. I
> like that you let the reader in on knowing about the package.
> Keep up the good work,
> Donna
>
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> Judith Bron wrote:
>> Hi guys, I redid chapter one using a lot of the suggestions you
>> suggested. I would appreciate your feedback. Judith
>>
>> CHAPTER ONE
>>
>>
>> The last thing Jennifer Rabinowitz remembered was a stranger's voice
>> yelling, "Watch out!" The oncoming car struck her causing the young girl
>> to fly into the air like a spinning top and land flat on her back on the
>> busy Curtis Cove Street. She remembered standing outside her body as the
>> emergency medical technicians worked frantically to save her life. Randy,
>> her best friend and captain of their high school football team, ran to
>> get Sheila, Jennifer's foster mother.
>>
>> Jennifer gazed around this strange place. Where was she? Behind her was
>> a busy street, and in front of her a dark corridor faintly lit with rows
>> of what appeared to be flickering candles.
>> Jennifer felt enshrouded by the protection of pure love. This was a
>> totally strange sensation. Never in her life had she felt so secure.
>> She heard a voice say, "I'm here, Jennifer. I love you."
>>
>> "M..Mommy?" Jennifer stammered. "But you're dead!"
>>
>> "No one is dead," her mother reassured her. "Go back. It's not your
>> time."
>>
>> "Go back to what?" Jennifer challenged. "To a foster family? To a town
>> that mocks me, mocks my name, and all that I want to be? Why?"
>>
>> "You have lessons to learn," her mother returned.
>>
>> "What lessons? What can life teach me?"
>>
>> "To live. To love. To hope. To know who you are--and what you are!"
>>
>> "I love you mommy. You're the only one who can love me! No one here
>> ..."
>>
>> At the word "here," Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware of intense
>> pain and completely disoriented.
>>
>> This place smelled of disinfectant. What was she doing in this sterile
>> environment lying on a hospital bed with needles poking her and Sheila
>> leaning over her? Her hand instinctively reached to pull the needles
>> from her arm.
>> Sheila's hand covered hers. "Jennifer. Are you there? Jennifer! Come
>> back."
>>
>> Jennifer tried focusing on this strange place. "Where's Randy?" Somehow
>> she knew he should be there.
>>
>> "I sent him to the football field. He has that important game today. He
>> didn't want to go until the doctor said you'd be all right."
>> "I was dead," Jennifer stated. "I was dead, but Mommy sent me back."
>>
>> "You had a dream," Sheila responded quickly. "We thought we'd lost you."
>>
>> A handsome man in Doctor's whites nudged Sheila away. "Are you back with
>> us, Jennifer? What do you remember?"
>>
>> Jennifer thought about the question. He couldn't mean her meeting with
>> Mommy. No. He'd think she had a dream, the way Sheila did.
>>
>> "Jennifer! Stay with me!"
>>
>> "A car," Jennifer said. "Was I hit? Am I badly hurt?"
>>
>> " Mostly bruised, I think. You tell me."
>>
>> Jennifer repositioned herself on the bed. " I don't think anything's
>> broken."
>>
>> "Quite right. What day is it?"
>>
>> The day? Jennifer tried to focus. "Oh! Saturday! I have to get back
>> to my sewing machine! I'm making outfits for Mrs. Nelson's twins," she
>> added to chase away the doctor's raised eyebrow. "I'm quite good. I
>> plan to design clothing when I finish high school."
>>
>> "Ah, I see."
>> He turned to Sheila. "Your daughter will be fine, Mrs. Rabinowitz."
>>
>> "I'm Mrs. Hamilton. Jennifer is my foster daughter."
>>
>> Jennifer allowed her thoughts to return to that dark corridor and all
>> inclusive feeling of love. A feeling she never had before. Sheila did
>> her best, but she could never give her the same love as her real mother.
>> Whatever love was. Jennifer had only a hazy idea of what that concept
>> meant. At this point in her life she didn't feel capable of giving or
>> receiving that special emotion.
>> When Randy returned from the game Jennifer smiled weakly at him. "Hi,
>> Randy. How did it go?"
>>
>> "I'll tell you after you tell me how you feel."
>>
>> In a frail voice Jennifer answered. "I feel weak and sore. I remember
>> you running up to me."
>>
>> "Sure I did. We lost the game. I missed a touchdown pass."
>>
>> "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that trophy means to you."
>>
>> "Right now I'm more worried about you than the trophy."
>>
>> Sheila said, "I have to get going. Cindy has plans for the evening and
>> Ted has to work. I'll send Ted up with your things." She kissed
>> Jennifer and headed for the parking lot.
>>
>> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with an
>> inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man. He had
>> said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in
>> the holocaust. This little packet containing a small book and paper were
>> given to me to deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz. They are left by
>> her parents. It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.
>> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting. A good
>> day to you." The man left the house and she ran to the front window to
>> watch him drive away. But no car appeared on the driveway or street.
>> There was no man walking away from the house. Totally spooked, she ran
>> to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and placed it with
>> other papers in her dresser.
>> A few days later her curiosity got the better of her and she opened it.
>> The material was written in a foreign language with non-English
>> characters. Sheila couldn't read it and doubted Jennifer could read it
>> either. Now Jennifer had survived what should have been a catastrophic
>> accident. Did that book and paper have anything to do with Jennifer's
>> survival? She sure wished she could hand the packet to Jennifer rather
>> than waiting two months. She couldn't wait until it was out of her
>> possession. But she was so freaked about everything that she dared not
>> disregard the wishes of the messenger. She opened her car door and slid
>> in.
>> A white haired doctor, different than the one Jennifer had seen earlier,
>> entered the room. "Hello, Jennifer. I'm Doctor Green and I'll be
>> handling your case. Is there anything I can do for you?"
>>
>> "Can you take these needles out of my arm?"
>>
>> "I want to keep the fluids going until tomorrow morning. I'll evaluate
>> you then. What else can I do for you?"
>> "Can I take a shower and have something to drink?"
>>
>> "The nurse will help you with a shower in the morning and I'll send
>> someone in with some juice. See you tomorrow."
>>
>> After he left Randy asked, "How do you feel now?"
>> "I nearly died, but other than that fine."
>>
>> Randy laughed. "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it." She
>> sounded so fragile.
>>
>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>> Extreme weakness punctuated her speech. "Randy, there's a lot going on
>> in my head. I need time to straighten it all out. Right now you're the
>> best friend I have in the world. Just keep on being my friend. That's
>> the best thing you can do for me."
>>
>> In a sympathetic voice Randy continued. "I know others give you a hard
>> time about your last name. Is that part of the problem?"
>>
>> Jennifer opened the juice container a nurse laid on her table. "That's a
>> big part. I don't know who I am. You guys know your parents, what they
>> expect from you and people to turn to when you need answers to important
>> questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>> "I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess that's
>> my identity for now. But how can you create an identity out of a spool
>> of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need more than that.
>> I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my parents were Jewish.
>> How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz? At the moment I
>> don't know where to begin my search."
>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>
>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>
>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who
>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>
>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>> mirror."
>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>
>> "Good night, Randy. You're the best friend anyone could have. Thanks
>> for being here."
>> Jennifer closed her eyes hoping to make contact with her mother again.
>> But there was no loving voice, no hope, no purpose. Only predictable
>> blackness. Her mother told her that she had to live, love, hope and know
>> who she was. But where could she learn about all these things that other
>> kids knew from the minute they were born? She felt aware of her physical
>> pain and an emptiness inside. "Come back to me, Mommy. I need you."
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