[stylist] detective short fiction "Sense of Murder" some language, alludes to sexual content

[BDM]

I'm enjoying this story. Below are  some notes as I read...

Conflicting feeling/message:
...That had been the beginning of their friendship.  They had spent many nights
talking until three in the morning and hanging out on weekends.  Salma was
the one connection Ayden had to the outside world.  Once moving away from
his family, he had become a recluse of sorts.  He showed up to the office
for work, attended cocktail parties required for work and even dated a
couple of girls, but Salma was the one person he truly felt comfortable
with...

BD: It sounds like he had all kinds of connections to the outside 
world to me here. Work, dates, business parties. Not the image of a 
recluse in my view.

Blindness accessibility commentary:

...his cane tapped, Ayden was sure he found the door.
"No Braille, is this it?" he shouted back to Salma...

BD: If a sighted reader was reading they actually might not get this 
without spoon feeding... 'He slid his hand along the door 
jamb/front/address plate/whatever..."no Braille...'"
instead of just "no Braille". But it sort of stood out as a jab  or 
inside perspective at there aren't Braille on many doors which to me 
seemed unnecessary in this context.

Travel descriptions: Again if this is meant for general consumption 
the "inside baseball" descriptions of the travel motions  seem to 
stand out of place to me. For example...

Ayden followed the sheriff into a room off the main section of the
department.  His cane swep the inside of the door frame, indicating the
width so Ayden avoided bumping into the edges of the frame.  Ayden asked
where a chair was and turned in the direction Captain Jenkins indicated.
Once again, his cane found the chair and sliding the cane across the seat,
Ayden determined where the front of the chair was.  Salma's arm brushed his

BD: However I think the below example is very natural...

...interrogation room.  Ayden twisted his cane between his fingers.  Salma
bobbed her foot which was lightly kicking Ayden's shin.

BD: I will say if this book is  targeting blind readers then the 
travel discriptions are probably more appreciated in the storyline. 
These aren't story killers by anymeans but I'm just looking at a real 
good story here and looking how it might be better from  a general 
readers perspective.

Dialog confusion:

Ayden leaned against the table looking straight in the direction where
Sheriff Jenkins sat.  "I thought Henry was a catch?  You know, a lawyer from
a wealthy family."
"He was a playboy.  Always was, never changed."
"Who did you question about his death?" Salma broke in.

BD: I was confused who said what about the catch and playboy. I 
assume its the Sherriff  but the dialog was set up as if it were 
Ayden stating it.

slate and Stylist: I think the description of the slate and stylist 
is a good thing in that showing how he's noting stuff   but not sure 
a sighted person will understand the "cells" part. Perhaps describing 
it as a series of rectangular holes with indents underneath similar 
to the number six on a dice. I don't know it would be easy to go too 
far in description here.

Sarcasm or not?: At this part...

his phone.  A screen-reading program specific to mobile phones, helped Ayden
utilize the functions on his phone.
"Got it.  There's only one Alice Whitley that shows up in town."
"Thank God for technology," Salma said.  "No wonder no one could ever solve
this case."
Ayden smirked at her.  "Thank God for accessible technology.  Come on.  She
doesn't live far from here and it's not too late."

BD: I was confused at the "No wonder no one could ever solve
this case" comment. Was it sarcasm of some sort or a plug for 
technology? The Sherriff admited this was a small town, and in small 
towns everyone knows everyone who is around so  while Ayden would 
need technology, the locals wouldn't need it to find Ms Whitley 
or  solve the case. So I was just a bit baffled there.

Conversation reality: At...

"Miss Whitley?  I'm Ayden-"
"Templeton," she said.  "You look like Henry."

BD: I doubt a stranger would tell another they looked like someone 
right out of the gate like that. Even if she thoght it, and perhaps 
that ought be what is said here to add to the mysteriousness of the 
story, but even if she thought it, I doubt she'd say it out loud.

Love growing: I like the flirty playfulness of Ayden and Salma but it 
seemed to move pretty fast from the apparent long friendship they had 
going, granted this is a short story so things might need to move 
along but love stories/flirting likes tensionand release subtlies and 
it just seemed to move a bit fast... sort of  like gulping a chunk of 
chocolate without savoring it :). . I got the impression they were 
living together when he was at the computer and she wore a towel 
behind him then slipped off to the bedroom. Maybe just a little 
clarity. I wondered whose place they were in, why was she in a towl 
in the first place. But I did like the playfulness of the scene.

Overall I really like this story. I'm intrigued how the puzzle pieces 
are going to fit. There are lots of mysteries at once with all the 
characters, very nice writing IMO.

Are you going to or had you finished the mystery?

Brad





con