[stylist] Danielle's Warrior

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Danielle,
 
You've had a lot of good suggestions when it comes to structure and
style so I will be brief.
 
I agree with Lori that an active voice would be beneficial especially
for a story like this.  You can keep the second person with the use of
"you," but work on making the writing confident and active.  Perhaps you
can move into a third person narrative too.  The second person places
the reader right into the story, but try switching at some point into
third or even first person voice.  The beginning is very powerful this
way, but it never hurts to try something different further along in the
narrative.
 
Maybe you can even begin in second person then switch to first person
and make the girl the narrator.  We can have her point of view.  Like
after the initial part, you can switch to something like," I remember
when Father went off to war and the day I was shot," or something.
 
Work on creating scenes.  We want to see what is happening and not
always be told.  You have a lot of reported scenes like in the beginning
with the girl, but let us actually see this happen.  Instead of saying
"You see the girl" say "The girl walked towards..."  Scenes really
enhance a story and bring action between the narration.
 
Make sure your sentences are constructed properly and make sense.
Example:  "As she came closer, it seemed that her streaks not being shot
by something seemed to end, and with a sickening crack and a trilling
scream, the girl fell to the blood soaked earth and gave way to
unconsciensness."
What are her "streaks" and what made a "sickening crack?"  Writing with
lyrical or poetic language can be done and done well, but it has to make
sense.  Each sentence has to make sense so we understand the meaning.
Maybe try something like, "Bullets streaked passed the girl as she
searched for her father, but the sickening cracks issuing from the guns
could not spare the young girl.  She fell to the blood-soaked earth as
the bullets had no time to avoid the innocent."  Not great, but just an
example.
 
A short story would not have an epilogue.  If you wish to denote a lapse
in time, you can use white space or simply say, "A week later," or, "A
day later," or whatever the case may be.
 
The stories the father tells is another example of a reported scene.
Let us experience this instead.  Use some dialogue and action.  By
action, I mean don't say something like, "The father would tell stories
to the nurses and they laughed," but rather something like, "Smiling,
the father sat in bed recounting stories about his children to the
nurses.  The nurses laughed as they wiped tears of joy from their eyes."
Okay, don't use cliches like me *smile* but make the language active and
show us what happened.
 
Good start, but you can do a lot to enhance and expand this.  We are
missing a lot of information too.  Can we have a main character with a
name and history?  And if you wish to write historical fiction, research
and make sure any factual info is correct.  Unless you take us into a
story using magical realism, the facts need to be accurate, and even
then facts go a long way.
 
Construct this piece by placing scenes between the narration.  The
current structure you have works, but in a longer narrative, we need
something more to carry us through.  We need more too.  By the end,
readers have more questions than answers.  I want to know who these
people are.  Why is there fighting?  There is currently a lot of missing
info.
 
You have some great descriptions and imagery, but again, work on making
each sentence make sense, structurally and linguisticly.
 
Here is my suggestion.  Read, read, read.  Find books and authors you
enjoy and really study how they develop a story.  Reading is the second
best way for any writer to learn and develop their own craft.  It also
helps to find material on grammar and style.  Writers need to be
familiar with the mechanics of writing.  This is a constant process, but
it is necessary.  Find a guide like Elements of Style by Strunk and
White and study up on grammar and style.
 
You have a lot of potential and I look forward to reading more from you.
 
Bridgit