[stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly suggestive, one minor explitive)

Wed Dec 7 18:58:13 UTC 2011

That's adorable.  The wording brings up elegant pictures.
Barbara

Let every nation know whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay 
any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose 
any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.--John 
F. Kennedy
-----Original Message----- 
From: BradDunsé
Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 6:20 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Christmas Assignment: Dear Mr. Claus (Slightly 
suggestive,one minor explitive)

The below is lightly suggestive and one minor
expletive, nothing horrible, but there's my
disclaimer :). I wasn't sure what to write but
just took this for a needed time of free-form
idea musing. My  internet has been out for
updating the past couple days so I might be playing catch up a bit.

Dear Mr. Claus:

I am writing with respect to last year's
Christmas. It might seem a bit odd to you I am
not writing on behalf of a trumped up gift list,
or making plea that I've been a good boy this
year--after all, that incident at the company
party last month had no meaning to it whatsoever.
Besides, it was dark in that closet, how was I
supposed to know that wasn't my wife! Well there
was a matter of that strange birthmark, and at
the time I did question the size of her … never
mind, that is not the issue … Well, OK then, her
feet OK? I was about to say her feet! Geesh, what
a mind you have, no wonder you've got elves
running around up there like the Pied Piper crashing a mouse convention.

Nevertheless, I am writing in advance to seek
restitution to damages incurred last 24th of
December. My intentions--I can assure you--are
quite dogmatic in nature, and I intend to be
fully compensated. I've spoken to my attorney
regarding services rendered, if necessary, and he
assures me that due to your jurisdiction, that
even if you have in your possession, a Claus
clause, because the North Pole bi-laws contains a
few major flaws, your Claus clause will not stand
up in the U. S. court of laws;, and might as well
be written on a piece of gauze, and that sir,
draws from me, a very large applause.

That said please find the following complaints:

1. Roof damage: Upon your kangaroo-style landing
on our roof last year--thank you very much, you
and your steel-railed wooden crate took out three
roof vents, one satellite dish, and approximately
200 square feet of roofing of which we can no
longer match color or manufacturer; furthermore,
shingling over the existing roof puts the load
bearing weight over code, which will now require
the roof to be stripped, papered, and an entire
new roof installed. Additionally when you lit out
of here, you snagged your sleigh runners on our
string of decor lights of the leg-lamp chimney
ornament and smashed it into the neighbor's
picture window--I suspect you'll be getting a letter from him as well.

2. Christmas Wreath: When you were coughing your
way down the chimney without care, one of your
smart alec reindeer unhitched himself, jumped
down off the roof and ate the Pine cone
decoration hanging off the front deck! Don't you
feed them things? What are they goats with
branches strapped on their heads or what? I'm not
sure but I think it was the one pawing at his
bubble-nose. If I didn't know better, I'd swear
it was Jimmy Derandi reincarnated to one of your antlered goats.

3. Carpet Replacement: After you plucked yourself
from the chimney flue and doused your pretty
little outfit with the glass of milk, putting out
the fabric fire--I do apologize for that one; I
probably ought have let it burn out before you
shoved yourself down that cement straw, but
honestly, you'd think the smoke coming out the
top would have given you a clue? Surely, the
coughing, hacking, and sneezing of your lead goat
would have given some indication of a fire in the
hole when you so elegantly performed your bounce-n-skid landing.

At any rate, when you excreted yourself from the
fire grate, you got ash and soot all over the
carpet--stomping black footprints all the way
over to the milk and cookies. And don't think I
didn't see the prints headed to the fridge, a
six-pack of beer missing, and more prints headed
downstairs to the mother-in-law quarters; I would
like some explanation on that one. I've been
staving off my wife's inquiry for the past
11-months as to why her mother suddenly took up
the pipe and holds her belly while ho-hoing
around the house with a grin the kids can't
understand. Back to the carpet, the room size is
21-by-18-feet, creamy burbur with half-inch nap,
and none of that cheap foam underlayment padding
either. We'd like it installed before the
Christmas party next week if you would; were
throwing one for the Junior Hunter Leagues
meeting; we're lobbying for a legalized season on
reindeer, so watch your goats old man.

4. Third Party Theft: Finally, I understand your
trepidation at the thought of jumping in that
fire pit and blowing your nose back up the
chimney, but you left the front door unlocked,
and little known to you as you were hoisting your
milk and cookie-self up the downspout to the
roof, bending it all to hell by the way why
didn't you just whistle one of your flying goats
down to swoosh you back up to the roof, he didn't
seem to have much problem floating his way down
when helping himself to the all you can eat Pine
cone buffet on the deck now did he? Anyway, as
you were beating cheeks up to the roof, crumpling
our gutter system, unknown to you were two small
-time filchers who walked right in the door you
left unlocked, and made off with all the stuff
you brought. I think they were in the process of
heisting our TV and stereo too until they heard
the crash of the neighbors picture window you
sent the leg lamp sailing through. They got
scared and ran off with what they had in the car already.

In summary then, please remit the below:

$14,289 Roof replacement
$2,416.48 Carpet replacement
$835.47 Satellite dish
$48.26 Leg Lamp, decor lights and one 50-foot extension cord
$25.95 Pine cone wreath

$17615.16 Total

Oh, and when you come this year? Replenish the
six-pack you copped off me, and hands off the mother-in-law!

Happy Holidays,

I. A. Grinch

Brad Dunsé

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

http://www.facebook.com/braddunse

http://www.twitter.com/braddunse

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