[stylist] Christmas exercise

[Donna Hill]

Hi Chris,
Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. I plan to re work this, and
I'll definitely be taking these things into consideration. I envisioned it
in the old woman's living room, so I'll have to see how I can work in
something that let's the reader know that. It really is a challenge for me,
doing it as a monolog.
Donna


-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Chris Kuell
Sent: Tuesday, December 20, 2011 8:14 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Christmas exercise

Hi Donna,

Well, you write a pretty damn good monologue, so you might want to 
reconsider your position on first person point of view. I like your story, 
and your dialogue is very natural. Here's a few thoughts:
I can't say why, but in my head I imagined two older women sitting at a 
booth in a diner having a  chat, with one lady watching her granddaughter, 
who naturally would be bored. I think with 2 or 3 sentences you could 
achieve a setting like this (it could also be in Mabel's kitchen, or 
wherever). I know why you avoided using Susan's name  while they were all in

the store, it adds impact to the 'gotcha' moment, but I found at the time I 
was reading that it was awkward. I actually had to stop and go back. I know 
I'm somewhat dull, but I bet I'm not the only reader who did this. One 
possible fix is to use Susan's last name at the beginning of the piece to 
indicate the woman who made the gifts (Mrs. Hill, for example), then use 
Susan in the grocery store with her guide dog Rosco (I like a name, makes it

more real to me), and then when she lays it on Diane put the two together, 
'Susan Hill, she's right over there' kinda thing, and I don't think the 
story will lose anything.

But, those are just my thoughts. It's an enjoyable read, and thanks for 
sharing.

chris
 


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