[stylist] Christmas exercise

[vejas]

I can write pretty well in first and third person for the most 
part, except, contradictory towards Donna, I feel weird writing 
about myself in third (like Vejas was born in 1996, I prefer 
saying I was)
Vejas


 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Tue, 20 Dec 2011 08:13:46 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] Christmas exercise

Hi Donna,

Well, you write a pretty damn good monologue, so you might want 
to
reconsider your position on first person point of view.  I like 
your story,
and your dialogue is very natural.  Here's a few thoughts:
I can't say why, but in my head I imagined two older women 
sitting at a
booth in a diner having a  chat, with one lady watching her 
granddaughter,
who naturally would be bored.  I think with 2 or 3 sentences you 
could
achieve a setting like this (it could also be in Mabel's kitchen, 
or
wherever).  I know why you avoided using Susan's name  while they 
were all in
the store, it adds impact to the 'gotcha' moment, but I found at 
the time I
was reading that it was awkward.  I actually had to stop and go 
back.  I know
I'm somewhat dull, but I bet I'm not the only reader who did 
this.  One
possible fix is to use Susan's last name at the beginning of the 
piece to
indicate the woman who made the gifts (Mrs.  Hill, for example), 
then use
Susan in the grocery store with her guide dog Rosco (I like a 
name, makes it
more real to me), and then when she lays it on Diane put the two 
together,
'Susan Hill, she's right over there' kinda thing, and I don't 
think the
story will lose anything.

But, those are just my thoughts.  It's an enjoyable read, and 
thanks for
sharing.

chris



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