[stylist] Writing sample

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Joe,

I skimmed this a couple of times, and I like where you are going.  The
characters do get a little confusing at times, and I'm not sure who the
main character is yet.  Good beginning though.

Who is the narrator?  The dialogue is great and realistic, but your
narration is different.  I think I like this contrast, but it also
depends on what your tone and voice are suppose to be.

The action is a little slow.  Maybe try to make it more immediate.  I
have found shorter, concise sentences, and even choppy sentences, help
liven action up and make the scene more immediate for the reader.

Also, try less exposition and put us in the moment more.  Don't always
describe what the characters are doing, but show them doing the
movement.

It will be interesting to see more of this and learn what the focus is.
As always, you have a strong start.

Bridgit