[stylist] expansion of the 40-word poem; poem with 40-word stanzas

[Donna Hill]

Hi Shawn,
This is an interesting glimpse into a world that I am not at all familiar
with. I am assuming that Wendover is Wendover, Nevada, and that your subject
is playing on some type of casino game? I Googled "mechine" and all I got
was "machine" so I'm not sure if this is a typo or if it means something
that is hard to track down. 

Just a few comments for clarity's sake. I know that the rules of punctuation
are not strictly followed in poetry -- sometimes to allow for multiple
interpretations -- but in case that wasn't your intent, there are a couple
things I'd change. In this first passage (which is displaying as one line in
the e-mail), I'd put a comma before "and" and something between "I" and
"we."
Block quote
the band plays "Free Bird" at our bidding and drinks are served at our
request to my temporary friend and I we play on.
Block quote end

In this next passage, if I'm interpreting the meaning correctly, it would be
clearer to either change "for" to "because" or to place a comma before
"for." I'm assuming the meaning you want is that you give it up because
dancing on a leash eludes your skills, but when I read it initially, it
sounded as though you were saying you gave it up in exchange for dancing on
a leash. Obviously, it doesn't take long to reconstruct the meaning , but
still I'd go for the clarity that a slight change would bring. Another way
to do it would be to cut the line early -- after "give it up."
Block quote
and thus leashed we tangle ourselves
in loops of cord
and give it up for dancing on a leash
eludes our skills.
Block quote end
Donna

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Jacobson, Shawn D
Sent: Friday, June 17, 2011 3:05 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: [stylist] expansion of the 40-word poem; poem with 40-word stanzas

Let me here try something new, instead of a 40-word poem, I'm trying a
longer poem with 40-word stanza.

Please let me know what you think.

Shawn Jacobson
Mathematical Statistician
Phone# (202)-475-8759
Fax# (202)-485-0275

Wendover Interlude

In this place so isolate from time
where midnight is like noon
if in the chaos of jackpot sounds
we should walk though psychedelic lights
in search of illusive gold
then way would surely lose our way
and aimlessly wander.

And so we sit tethered to our mechines
by payer's cards and cords
in unnatural symbiosis
the band plays "Free Bird" at our bidding
and drinks are served at our request
to my temporary friend and I
we play on.

My temporary friend stands to dance
I follow disregarding my cord
that hooks me to my gaming beast
and thus leashed we tangle ourselves
in loops of cord
and give it up for dancing on a leash
eludes our skills.

Oh temporary friend how nice to share
this pleasure with you till it is dispersed
by morning light as a morning fog
till only recollection remains
of this night and of this place
where we came together for a while.

For morn must come inexorably on
even here where midnight is as noon
and bid us leave this gaming place and slog
back to the mundane stations of our lives
to only recollect and fondly smile
in precious stolen moments.

_______________________________________________
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http://www.nfb-writers-division.org <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>

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