[stylist] Inspired By Jackie, A Cinquain

[Homme, James]

Hi Jacky,
I removed the word "as" from the nine syllable line. I like it this way better. Here it is. See if it still works for you. There's another one below this one that I made a little while ago, too.

The Saxophonist

He lifts
The instrument
Lovingly to his lips.
The crowd melts. horn and human fuse:
Now one.

Secrets

Inside,
How do we bear
The joy and pain we hide?
Outside, all seems clean, white, but not
Inside.

Jim

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jacqueline Williams
Sent: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 8:12 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Inspired By Jackie, A Cinquain

Jim,
This is absolutely beautiful. It may be because I went to the Metropole in
New York City in my youth and was in heaven. 
I think perhaps your eight syllable line has nine syllables. If that is the
case, you might be able to fix it just using an em dash instead of the word"
as". I would hate to see the essence of it changed in any way.

The crowd melts-horn and human fuse:

You could use just a comma instead of a colon, and not capitalize "Now."
Don't change anything about a poem unless you truly see it as a better
choice. It is your voice you are trying to find. Not anyone else's.
Jackie
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Homme, James
Sent: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 5:35 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Inspired By Jackie, A Cinquain

The Saxophonist

He lifts
The instrument
Lovingly to his lips.
The crowd melts as horn and human fuse:
Now one.

Jim

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