[stylist] Company newsletter: Getting the Halloween Candy

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Brenda,

I placed things in parenthesis throughout your story.

Getting the Halloween Candy

Halloween was only three days away and we had no candy.What is the use 
of buying a bunch of candy when it will probably be raining and no 
trick-or-treaters will show up *(comma) I thought.My husband *(comma)
who on most days 
avoided *(avoids) the rain *(comma) braved the current downpour and
headed for the car.Not 
wanting to miss a chance to get out of the house, I followed him.

"God is great and beer is good and people are crazy" drowned out the 
pounding drops on the roof of the car.Not very Halloweenish, but I never

have heard The Monster mash on a country station. **consider rephrasing,
doesn't exactly make sense as is)

Dodging puddles, we made our way into the store.

"Maybe we should get some beer.*(no period, use comma since attaching
dialogue tag)"I said to my husband as we entered the 
store.

"We're here to get candy for the trick-or-treaters.*(no period, use
comma)" He snapped drying 
his glasses.

We really need to get some beer or maybe just listen to the song by 
Ricky Carrington again *(comma) I decided. Smells of rotisserie chicken
and baked 
goods filled the air and my mouth began to water*(good description, try
even more).Moving my white cane 
from one side to the other *(consider side-to-side, sounds simpler), I
followed the blur *(another good description) ahead of me to the candy 
isle at the other end of the store before my stomach could wake up and 
growl. *(consider, "My stomach growled as I followed the blur of colors
down the candy aisle."(

Then I heard it, *(semi-colon) the unmistakable sound of peanut brittle
calling 
me.Seeing little more than the bright lights in the store and the blur 
of shelves, I began to turn *(consider deleting "first") first right,
and then left *(comma) listening as the 
sound got *(consider a word like grew instead of "got") louder and
louder.Feeling a chill *(comma) I stopped to zip my coat but 
turned right again instead of exiting the store.Back and forth went my 
cane like a windshield wiper *(great description) protecting me from
carts and store displays.

The smell of peanuts joined the shouting of PEANUT BRITTLE, PEANUT 
BRITTLE and my mouth began to water *(comma) and my stomach
growled.Holding the 
plastic box carefully, I walked to a center isle near the checkout line 
where my husband could spot me.

"Where'd you go?"I turned around and you weren't anywhere to be found."

"The peanut brittle was calling me and I had to get some. If you want, 
we can eat some in the car."

Appeased by the prospect of a treat, my husband released his grip on my 
coat *(comma) and we walked to the checkout line.

You have some good descriptions and similes. Push more for the sensory
descriptions, but I think you do a good job of describing your actions
without over-emphasizing blindness. We're suppose to detail actions, and
as a blind person, we simply write what a blind person does. You have a
nice balance and a cute story. Maybe bring a bit more cohesion between
the beginning and the rest of it, and watch sentence structure, but it's
very good.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan