[stylist] Feedback request please

Brad Dunse' lists at braddunsemusic.com
Sun Oct 30 18:41:55 UTC 2011 

Thanks Brenda. You happened on an area I did have 
previous redundancy as I originally spewed my 
recollections out on the keyboard, and just 
didn't get it cleaned up evidently. Good catch. 
I'll look at it again today after being away from it some.

Brad

On 10/30/2011  10:48 AM Brenda said...
>Hi Brad
>I loved your song!  I have always been 
>angry/saddened at the way the returning vietnam 
>Veterans were treated.  I'm glad you were able to pay tribute to them.
>
>As for the introduction you wrote, I loved The 
>description, and your contrasts drew me 
>in.  Sometimes I think you could consolidate 
>things a little and say the same thing with less 
>words.  The paragraph about your writing pal is 
>the example I will use.  My suggested rewrite is below.
>Brenda...see below
>
>
>About a week and a half from that day, I was 
>surprised to read an email from my writing pal 
>asking me if I wanted to co-write a song about 
>the Vietnam Wall and the soldiers.I had not told 
>anyone I'd been drawn to write such a song, 
>other than maybe my wife, and now I was reading this request from him.
>
>
>
>On 10/29/2011 7:30 PM, Brad Dunse' wrote:
>>Feedback of any willing sort is welcome :). 
>>Pasted from Word so for me carriage returns 
>>"look" extra but I don't think they  actually 
>>appear as such visually, not sure though.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Vietnam Memorial Wall
>>
>>
>>
>>With gear hanging over both shoulders, canvas 
>>pack-straps and their buckles digging in my 
>>sweat-drenched skin, nervous fingers on both 
>>hands re-gripping their assigned provisions 
>>every ten steps, I huffed my way through the 
>>crowds of uniformed soldiers. Picking my way 
>>across the grounds into a slightly wooded area, 
>>I finally was able to drop my bags with a deep 
>>sigh, flex my shoulders, and stretch my back a 
>>bit. The tree allowed a shady escape from the 
>>baking sun. Mid-morning temps were already in 
>>the 80's with matching humidity­they said it 
>>would be like this­; and the mercury was meant to reach into the 90's today.
>>
>>
>>
>>Under the cover of shade, I took in the action 
>>around me; and in amazement, I began to wonder 
>>what the day might look like in hindsight. A 
>>bit nervous of what to expect, I mean the sight 
>>of battle experienced Vietnam soldiers walking 
>>about, and my taking part in something like 
>>this ..., I knew I would have a new friend or 
>>two by days end. Looking about, I wondered 
>>which one of the many souls out there would become my new friend.
>>
>>
>>
>>Finally, two gents approached asking if I was 
>>who I was. Once I affirmed it, we shook hands, 
>>chatted a minute, and opened up our packs. I 
>>sat down on a stool, opened up a case, and 
>>started fiddling around with my guitar a bit.
>>
>>
>>
>>No, I wasn't in a base camp located in Vietnam, 
>>I was on the State Capitol grounds in St. Paul, 
>>Minnesota; at a kickoff event for what the 
>>governor of Minnesota declared as Vietnam Day.
>>
>>
>>
>>So why was I there? It wasn't because I served 
>>a tour in Vietnam, I was born about a decade 
>>and a half too late for that. Besides my age 
>>(though I probably didn't know it at 18-years 
>>old), there was a hereditary disease slowly 
>>scattering throughout my retinas affecting my 
>>peripheral and night vision which likely would 
>>have sent me back 4F, preventing me from 
>>serving in the military. If that would have not 
>>stopped my being shipped out, eventually from 
>>mere survival of the fittest, some Asian would 
>>have carved my name in the Memorial Wall with the business end of his weapon.
>>
>>
>>
>>So just exactly what was I doing there at 
>>Vietnam Day? I was invited by a grass roots 
>>effort to come and play some music, sort of 
>>1960's protest style, only we weren't 
>>protesting, we were joining the proclamation 
>>and recognition of the brave men and women who served in Vietnam.
>>
>>
>>
>>A compilation CD of Vietnam songs designed to 
>>help heal emotional wounds, and not let the 
>>world forget what suffering went on back then 
>>was released, and a song I co-wrote was picked 
>>as the featured song for the CD. The song I 
>>wrote with two other writers is called "The 
>>Wall." The folks that put on the compilation 
>>project wanted me to come out and play some 
>>music, and of course play the featured song on the CD.
>>
>>
>>
>>So we set up the small gear out on the large 
>>grounds of the celebration and started playing 
>>tunes. We played for children, fellow 
>>musicians, curious event attendees, friends and 
>>families of soldiers who stopped to listen, and 
>>then they came. One of the gentlemen who 
>>invited me rounded the corner with a group of 
>>Viet Vets, metals they earned clinking as they 
>>milled about and then he said, "Brad, why don't 
>>you play your song for these gentlemen?"
>>
>>
>>
>>I will tell you, I've played for many people at 
>>my gigs, but never had I been this nervous. I 
>>stared out with what vision I could muster, and 
>>saw these amazing souls standing before me, who 
>>all but a handful of decades ago were scared, 
>>brave young men watching their buddies tore 
>>apart right next to them in fox holes, on the 
>>battle field, and riding in jeeps they drove; 
>>facing unknown emotional battles of uncertainty 
>>whether the local people there approaching 
>>them, men, women or children all equal in 
>>ability; were allies of safety, or enemies 
>>about to cut them down. But here they were, 
>>standing anxiously, staring at me, wanting to 
>>hear the song we'd written for them and their 
>>buddies; and me desperately hoping we had gotten what they felt inside, right.
>>
>>
>>
>>I swallowed hard and slow, strummed a few 
>>strums on my guitar to anchor myself a bit, and started to sing:
>>
>>
>>
>>When you were searching for my name today
>>
>>I saw you standing there
>>
>>Man you look different
>>
>>With that silver in your hair
>>
>>Me, I haven't changed a bit
>>
>>Still all of twenty-one
>>
>>That's the thing about us spirits
>>
>>We're forever young
>>
>>At the wall ..., here at the wall
>>
>>
>>
>>Mid-way through the song, with a quivering lip 
>>and doubts I could even make it all the way 
>>through without choking up, I began to feel a 
>>reverence for these men stronger than ever 
>>before; men who endured not only a very 
>>different battle out on the field and in the 
>>jungle, but also that unexpected one of 
>>betrayal soon after the planes wheels screeched the tarmac of home.
>>
>>
>>
>>I don't think one strand of my hair laid flat 
>>the entire length of the song, but I did make 
>>it through to the end. When finished, I was 
>>immediately swarmed with soldiers shaking my 
>>hand 60's style, patting me on the back and 
>>profusely thanking me for writing the song. All 
>>the while it was me declaring indeed it was I 
>>who owe them thanks, and it's only a shame that 
>>the song had to be written at all. That was one 
>>of the, if not the, most nervous experience I'd ever had playing for anyone.
>>
>>
>>
>>Prior to "The Wall" being written, I had been 
>>thinking pretty heavy on writing a song about 
>>Vietnam. Considering it, I had decided what 
>>better topic to write on than the wall, maybe 
>>the Traveling Wall? I'd went back up on the 
>>National Memorial website, and spent hours up 
>>there reading profile entries that folks left 
>>for their loved ones. There were old goodbyes 
>>and present tense conversations: words from old 
>>high school buddies, family members keeping up 
>>a vigil, neighborhood friends who popped in 
>>after thinking about them, school teachers who 
>>wrote shortly after the news, and of course 
>>those uniquely bonded souls who served with 
>>them in the war ...; excuse me ..., "police 
>>action." Reading the entries was nearly an 
>>addiction for me, I couldn't help myself. I was 
>>up on their site before dinner time, and 
>>finally hunger coupled with drooping eyes 
>>pulled me off when the sun popped up the next 
>>morning. After spending the night reading 
>>droves of profiles of 21-year olds who never 
>>came back, I so much wanted to write a song 
>>about Vietnam and the wall now more than ever.
>>
>>
>>
>>About a week and a half from that day, having 
>>knocked around some ideas for a song, I open up 
>>my email and see a message from my writing pal. 
>>Unbeknown to him, or anyone really as I had not 
>>told anyone I'd been drawn to write such a 
>>song, other than maybe my wife, I opened up a 
>>message from him wanting to know if I want in 
>>on a song about the Vietnam Wall and the 
>>soldiers. Naturally I was surprised and said 
>>sure and a few days later we had what is the current version of The Wall.
>>
>>
>>
>>I often wonder, after nearly two weeks of 
>>milling it around, surfing the web, staying up 
>>all night mesmerized by what I was reading, 
>>putting myself in the shoes of those kids and 
>>their surviving families, not saying anything 
>>to anyone about my desire to write such a song 
>>about the Vietnam Wall, and then to be 
>>approached with this opportunity? ­I don't 
>>know­is that just a simple coincidence? Or 
>>could there have been more to it than that?
>>
>>
>>
>>The Wall has been played at a variety of places 
>>ranging from major commercial country radio, to 
>>web stations, to memorial ceremonies, to my own 
>>gigs; and I am very humbled it will be 
>>performed by a youth band raising brows up and 
>>down the east coast, as they play it as part of 
>>their invitation to perform at the National 
>>Memorial event in Washington DC this Veterans Day on November 11.
>>
>>
>>
>><http://www.braddunsemusic.com/music-45.html>Hear 
>>the song in it's entirety and read the lyrics 
>>at: 
>><http://www.braddunsemusic.com/music-45.html>http://www.braddunsemusic.com/music-45.html
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Brad Dunse
>>
>>"The naive believes everything, But the 
>>sensible man considers his steps." --Proverbs
>>
>>http://www.braddunsemusic.com
>>
>>http://www.facebook.com/braddunse
>>
>>http://www.twitter.com/braddunse
>>_______________________________________________
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>>
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>_______________________________________________
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>
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Brad Dunse

"Learn from others' mistakes... you just don't 
have enough time to make them all yourself." --Unknown

http://www.braddunsemusic.com

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