[stylist] new submission, untitled

Mary-Jo Lord mjfingerprints at comcast.net
Wed Apr 4 10:26:01 UTC 2012


Hi,

This is well written, and heart breaking.
 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bernadetta Pracon
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2012 1:50 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] new submission, untitled

Hi everyone,
Here's another piece I thought I'd share with you. It's not meant to be
funny, in a sadistic manner or otherwise; It's actually the opposite. I
wrote this as an excersise for my fiction writing class several years ago. I
believe it was an excersise that was conserned with the use of dialogue.
While I'm not sure I remember the exact nature of the excersise prompt, I
kept this because I thought I could revise and expand it one day. I think
this could use a lot of work, but it has some potential.  I'm interested to
see what you all think of it.
Enjoy
        The toddler squirmed in her highchair as her parents sat across 
from each other   at a table in the small cafe. The quaint locale was 
nearly empty, though it was only four o'clock in the afternoon. The slender
waitress, Grace, set down a Sippy Cup in front of the child, trying her best
not to intrude on the couple. The toddler's parents were engaged in an
intense conversation; Their child's chair was cast off to one side of their
table, and they weren't paying her the slightest bit of attention.
        "So what the hell are you saying, Jeane,"  Allan said to his wife.
        Jeane shrunk back  at  his icy tone. She flashed him a tentative
smile, but just as soon, she regained her composure. Ffolding her arms on
the table, She restored her reserved demeanor.
        "I made a mistake, Allan," She said. "I was not cut out for this.
Look at me! I can't be a mother. I don't want this--this burden. 
The two of you... Allan, I just feel so constricted."
        She fidgeted with her pink blouse, eager to avoid his stair.
        "Well way to go, Princess," Allan snarled. "Great of you to   
let me know."
        "Sorry, Allan," She replied.
        Yet again, she lost her nerve. When she looked up at him, he could
see the slightest hint of a tear in the corner of her eye. Just then,  the
little girl, still moving around in her highchair, pushed the sippy cup over
the edge of her small table. They both looked her way at the clatter of the
cup, but neither moved to the child's aid. 
The waitress hurried over to take care of the spill when she realized that
neither parent would be inclined to do so. Finally, Jeane just looked away
with disinterest, while Allan, not knowing what else to do, lifted his
daughter from the highchair. He settled back down with the girl in his lap.
        "Nice of you to realize this shit just now, Jeane," He said.  
Two fucking years too late, dont you think?"
        "Dont swear in front of her," she retorted.
        "I wouldn't be talking, Jeane. Looks like you're not exactly model
mom material," Allan said.
        By this time, the child sensed the tention, and began to fuss. 
Allan tried to distract her by pointing out the pretty wall mural of a
waterfall behind them, but to no avail.
        "Why the hell bring me here to tell me this, though," he asked. 
"You couldn't tell me this shit at home? And, again, what the hell does this
mean?"
        Jeane got up abruptly. She set her unfinished cup of coffee back on
the table and began to fix her long, blonde hair. Her husband noticed that
she was overdressed. She was wearing a black pair of dress pants and
matching stilettos (although the pink blouse looked a little out of place);
It wasn't something a person would normally wear on a casual outing to a
coffee shop.
        "I'm leaving, Allan," she said, matter of factly.
        "That I can see," he said, unamused.
        "I am going to be a dancer. I accepted a job in Miami. My Plane is
leaving tonight. I'll take a cab to the airport after I drop the car off at
my sister's. I need to go now, Allan."
        "Like hell you are," Allan said. "Dancer my ass. What sort of
nonsense is this."
                She glared at him as she stood at the cafe's exit. With her
hands now defiantly propped on her hips, she dared him to stop her.
        "It's my lifelong dream, Allan. That's what it is. My sister will
help me with everything. I don't want  anything from you anymore. 
Keep the house, keep the money,oh, and definitely keep the kid. Please."
        Shocked,he stood up,his daughter sliding off of his lap. He strode
over to the door as Jeane walked out. The child tried to keep up with her
dad as he followed his wife, but her little legs couldnt carry 
her fast enough. The watchful waitress realized that in addition to    
forgetting all about their child,  they also left without paying for their
order. She grasped the little girl's hand and quickly caught up with Allan.
        "Sir! Sir, your little girl," she exclaimed.
        The child was crying by now; She seemed scared and confused. 
The father turned to face the waitress and his daughter. He grabbed her
other hand and drew her twoard him.
        "And also, sir, you didn't cover your bill," the waitress said.
        He whipped  out a twenty dollar bill and shoved it into her palm.
She offered to bring him back his change, but he told her not to bother. He
turned tward the parking lot, where his wife stood by her car. They had come
in separate cars; She had told him to meet her there right after work. He
walked with his daughter over to his own car, which was parked adjacent to
hers.
        "So you think you're just gonna leave? Just like that," he asked.
        "I know I am. I don't just think it."
        She looked unperturbed. She showed no emotion, even when her
daughter ripped herself from her father's grasp and ran to her.
        "I go with mommy," the child announced.
        She had stopped crying, and a smile lit up her innocent, little
face. She reached up to her mother, hoping to be scooped up in her arms.
Agitated, Jeane took a few steps away from the child instead.
        "Take her, Allan," she said. "I really need to get going."
        The childbegan to cry again. She threw her arms around her mother's
knees and held on with all her might. Allan stood rooted to the spot,
shocked at the scene unfolding before him.
        "M''ommy," the little girl said. "Mommy no go!"
        She was wailing now. Through blurry eyes, she looked up at her
mother, pleading with her.
        "Erin,go to daddy," Jeane said to the child. "I gotta go."
        Little Erin did not give up her plea. Her small body was covered in
sweat as it heaved with her sobs.
        "Dammit, Jeane, look what you're doing to our kid! You've lost your
fucking mind! Look at her. Thinkabout this for a second... God," 
Allan said, still  rooted to the spot where he stood.
        "Allan," Jeane said. "Get this little brat off of me right now. 
I'm warning you! There is no way I am missing my flight."
        The child continued to cling to her mother, though she struggled to
do so. Annoyed and unsympathetic, Jeane took a few quick steps back,and
succeeded to disengage herself from the  girl's grip. 
Little Erin lost her balance and fell forward. She let out a painful scream
as her head hit the  pavement. She lay there, face down, as her mother
calmly got into her car. She did not bother glancing back.  With screeching
tires, she sped away.
        "Fucking bitch," Allan yelled after her.
        He hurried over to his daughter and picked her up. She was crying
harder still. Her lip was bleeding, and her face was covered in dirt. She
had a scrape on her chin, and what was sure to become a nasty bruise on her
forehead. Taking care to be gentle, he brushed a bit of dirt from her cheek.
        "Mommy no go," she kept repeating between sobs.
        "Shhh, baby," he said softly. "Its gonna be all right. We're gonna
be just fine."
        He enveloped his little girl  tightly against his chest, and kissing
the top of her now sweaty head,  he carryed her to his car.


sincerely,

Bernadetta P

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