[stylist] new submission, untitled

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Bernadetta,

This is a haunting piece. The mother is so cold, and the father isn't 
exactly Johnny Sunshine, either. Your dialogue, setting, and details are all 
good. I think the piece might benefit from a change in POV, into one of the 
parent's heads. As written, we readers are just observers of this frigid 
parting. If we were in one of the parents heads, we could better see their 
characters, and perhaps even the other character through internal dialogue.

A dancer, Alan thought. She hasn't danced since doing Grease back in high 
school, and she was pretty klutzy even then. What kind of cold-hearted woman 
can just leave her child?What kind of fucked-up childhood must she have had, 
and how could I have not seen it?

Or: Look at him over there, swearing at me, swearing at the baby, above 
reproach. Well sweetheart, I've got a big surprise for you. A fucking huge 
surprise for you. I told you five years ago I wouldn't do the whole Mommy 
thing, wouldn't play the nice wife at home while you skipped up the 
corporate ladder, won't host bridge parties or haul the kids around to 
soccer games and gymnastics in a goddamned minivan with 'My kids is an honor 
roll student' bumper stickers. No way. That nightmare ends today...

Even without a POV change, I think the husband needs to respond verbally 
about her career move, needs to plead with her to stay, needs to say 
something about what kind of a mother can just walk away from her baby.

You've done a great job drawing me into this piece, making me care what 
happens, which is a testament to your writing skills. Good job.

Switching gears, I did read 'Haunted' by Chuck Palahniuk. Another friend 
recommended his books to me, and I have to say, it ranks on my top 5 
weirdest books I've ever read list. The humor was more strange than dark to 
me, but I'm a fan of 'realistic' fiction. I do like South Park, although I 
agree it is overly crude at times. Have you ever seen or read 'War of the 
Roses'? To me, that's great dark comedy.

chris