[stylist] new submission, untitled
Chris Kuell
ckuell at comcast.net
Wed Apr 4 12:30:35 UTC 2012
Hey Bernadetta,
This is a haunting piece. The mother is so cold, and the father isn't
exactly Johnny Sunshine, either. Your dialogue, setting, and details are all
good. I think the piece might benefit from a change in POV, into one of the
parent's heads. As written, we readers are just observers of this frigid
parting. If we were in one of the parents heads, we could better see their
characters, and perhaps even the other character through internal dialogue.
A dancer, Alan thought. She hasn't danced since doing Grease back in high
school, and she was pretty klutzy even then. What kind of cold-hearted woman
can just leave her child?What kind of fucked-up childhood must she have had,
and how could I have not seen it?
Or: Look at him over there, swearing at me, swearing at the baby, above
reproach. Well sweetheart, I've got a big surprise for you. A fucking huge
surprise for you. I told you five years ago I wouldn't do the whole Mommy
thing, wouldn't play the nice wife at home while you skipped up the
corporate ladder, won't host bridge parties or haul the kids around to
soccer games and gymnastics in a goddamned minivan with 'My kids is an honor
roll student' bumper stickers. No way. That nightmare ends today...
Even without a POV change, I think the husband needs to respond verbally
about her career move, needs to plead with her to stay, needs to say
something about what kind of a mother can just walk away from her baby.
You've done a great job drawing me into this piece, making me care what
happens, which is a testament to your writing skills. Good job.
Switching gears, I did read 'Haunted' by Chuck Palahniuk. Another friend
recommended his books to me, and I have to say, it ranks on my top 5
weirdest books I've ever read list. The humor was more strange than dark to
me, but I'm a fan of 'realistic' fiction. I do like South Park, although I
agree it is overly crude at times. Have you ever seen or read 'War of the
Roses'? To me, that's great dark comedy.
chris
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