[stylist] How could I improve this story?

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Barbara,

You have an interesting story here, and I like how the main character lives 
and promotes NFB philosophy. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would 
like it just fine as written.

If I were your editor, though, I'd advise you to work first on what I call 
believability. What I mean by this is, for example, in chapter 1, I find it 
hard to believe that other staff wouldn't go out of their way to say hi and 
welcome the new teacher. In almost any job, anywhere in America, people say 
hi to the new person at work. This would be especially true for Zachery, 
since he already knows her. In any school, even before the new teacher 
arrives, all the teachers know or hear the name of the new person, so it 
isn't believable to me that Zachary wouldn't stop by on the first or second 
day to say hey and welcome her back.

Next, when they are walking to dinner, Zachary says effectively that she's 
the only girl for him and has been for years. Zephyr feels the same. This is 
okay, but what's unbelievable to me is that neither has mentioned it or 
written a letter or made a phone call to have contact with the other. These 
are adults in their twenties, supposedly, and I find it hard to believe that 
their feelings would be kept hidden, and then simply unleashed one day when 
he walks her home. What would make it more believable is if one of them 
harbored feelings, but the other was already involved with someone else. Say 
Zachary was in love with Zephyr back in college, but she had a steady 
boyfriend so he never made a move. But, her relationship with the other guy 
broke up, she took some time away, and decided to return to Iowa for a fresh 
start and found Zachary. Or, they once had a relationship, but something 
happened that drove them apart, but now, once reacquainted, they rekindle 
the flame. To me, these scenarios are more believable than the one you've 
presented. Or, if you want to stick with what you have, I think their 
feelings should unfold slowly, reluctantly, give them time for love to 
blossom--don't have it happen in five minutes.

Further on, I find it unbelievable that Zachary, who has professed that 
Zephyr is the girl for him, would cancel their date so he can go out with 
another woman at work. If he was that kind of guy, how could Zephyr possibly 
love him? And why should she? What might be better is to have Theresa come 
to Zachary at the end of school in tears, obviously upset. She needs to talk 
to him. They go out for coffee, because Zachary is a nice guy, and she 
unloads on him. Something like that, which is more plausible and leaves 
Zachary looking like a good guy in a bad position rather than a schmuck.

I hope my comments make sense to you. I don't mean to be overly critical, 
I'm just telling you how I think you could improve this story. Others might 
disagree, or have other ideas. I think the basic story is fine, but changes 
need to be made to make it all more plausible, and hence, believable.

chris