[stylist] How could I improve this story?

Tue Apr 24 02:23:44 UTC 2012

Truly,  I'm taking all your suggestions to heart because I've never really 
written many stories and besides that one I started to put into digital 
copy, I've not contributed stories before.
Thank you for the suggestions.  I'm going to compile them in a file and use 
it as a guide to rework it.
Barbara

Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance. -- Carl Sandburg
-----Original Message----- 
From: Andi
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 5:19 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] How could I improve this story?

Barbara
I agree with Chris on the plausibility,  there are just a few things like
Chris said, and I had a few to add.  I think to have so many twins and
triplits is a little much.  This is just my opinion but I got the impression
that all the children in the whole town were twins, it isn't that commen
especially identicals.  It is plausible to have some sets of twins but not
the whole town.  To just say Stephanie is her neighbor then have them be
best friends is a little quick.  If I were you I would have menchened her
before Jefs intrusion .  I like that they are such good friends just expand
on their friendship.  I am probably going to get shuned for this, but I
don't think the children should have canes on stage.  I mean it is all about
blocking and I think the canes would get in the way and look odd if the play
characters are not blind.  Also I would expand on a few things.  You have
several theems going on at once.  This is possible to keep, but if you do
keep each of your theems you need to add more to each situation.  It is a
bit disjointed this way and I am not sure what direction you were trying to
go.  I understand you were trying to get in some very important messages and
I think you should keep them in, but add some hear and some their so it does
not sound like three different stories.  I mean I think you should have more
about the children and her fight for their independence training.  I like
how you brought it back around to that but I don't think the stage is the
rite place for a cane.  I would have liked to see that fight for a field
trip or something.  Also I think your main character should interact with
her students more, so we get more of a since of her job and how she does
things.  I also think Zachary should be shown taking the students out of the
class to work on mobility.  This accomplishes two things, one, your message
of independent blind person can come through more, and two it gives Zeffer
and Zachary more chances to interact and flirt.  They should be professional
about it but still it lets them fall together more smoothly.  Also, how
small is this town?  I get the impression it is very small and every one
knows every one.  If so that is fine, but I just didn't know the size of the
town.  Zeffer seems to know every one and if she does I would like to know
how she is connected with the others, like Thomas.  He should be in the
story a bitt more if he is going to play such a big role.  Also Zeffer
adopting Libbies kids is a little sudden.  I mean I get her saying it in
that conversation because she is in the moment, but then she would probably
rethink it.  She may still want to but they would be the children of a man
who scared her so she would probably be a little unsure.  Zachary just
jumping in to marrying her after finding out she wanted to adopt twins...
To me there is some diolog missing.  I find it hard to believe that he is
just fine with it.  It is a lot of responsibility to care for twins,
especially twins you were not prepaird for.  I think it is cool that he is
on board with it and is so supportive it just seems it would be a longer
conversation or several where doubts were at least expressed.  Also there
are characters that you introduced then we never see again and others who
just come out of know where and we need more back ground on.  In general
however I think it is a good start.  You have good ideas and good messages
to spread.  Keep it up it will get their.

Andi
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Chris Kuell
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2012 10:18 AM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] How could I improve this story?

Hi Barbara,

You have an interesting story here, and I like how the main character lives
and promotes NFB philosophy. I'm sure there are a lot of people who would
like it just fine as written.

If I were your editor, though, I'd advise you to work first on what I call
believability. What I mean by this is, for example, in chapter 1, I find it
hard to believe that other staff wouldn't go out of their way to say hi and
welcome the new teacher. In almost any job, anywhere in America, people say
hi to the new person at work. This would be especially true for Zachery,
since he already knows her. In any school, even before the new teacher
arrives, all the teachers know or hear the name of the new person, so it
isn't believable to me that Zachary wouldn't stop by on the first or second
day to say hey and welcome her back.

Next, when they are walking to dinner, Zachary says effectively that she's
the only girl for him and has been for years. Zephyr feels the same. This is
okay, but what's unbelievable to me is that neither has mentioned it or
written a letter or made a phone call to have contact with the other. These
are adults in their twenties, supposedly, and I find it hard to believe that
their feelings would be kept hidden, and then simply unleashed one day when
he walks her home. What would make it more believable is if one of them
harbored feelings, but the other was already involved with someone else. Say
Zachary was in love with Zephyr back in college, but she had a steady
boyfriend so he never made a move. But, her relationship with the other guy
broke up, she took some time away, and decided to return to Iowa for a fresh
start and found Zachary. Or, they once had a relationship, but something
happened that drove them apart, but now, once reacquainted, they rekindle
the flame. To me, these scenarios are more believable than the one you've
presented. Or, if you want to stick with what you have, I think their
feelings should unfold slowly, reluctantly, give them time for love to
blossom--don't have it happen in five minutes.

Further on, I find it unbelievable that Zachary, who has professed that
Zephyr is the girl for him, would cancel their date so he can go out with
another woman at work. If he was that kind of guy, how could Zephyr possibly
love him? And why should she? What might be better is to have Theresa come
to Zachary at the end of school in tears, obviously upset. She needs to talk
to him. They go out for coffee, because Zachary is a nice guy, and she
unloads on him. Something like that, which is more plausible and leaves
Zachary looking like a good guy in a bad position rather than a schmuck.

I hope my comments make sense to you. I don't mean to be overly critical,
I'm just telling you how I think you could improve this story. Others might
disagree, or have other ideas. I think the basic story is fine, but changes
need to be made to make it all more plausible, and hence, believable.

chris

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