[stylist] Comments on Robert's prompt

Sat Dec 8 00:50:10 UTC 2012

Robert,

I only have two comments:

First, the dialogue can sound stiff at times. Consider not only how
people speak in real life, but how people of different ages speak.
Dennis was always a bit precocious, but he always sounded like a kid
nonetheless. Your dialogue for Mr. and Mrs. Wilson sounds more
realistic, but Dennis sounds a little robotic, a little moralistic-y, to
make my own word up, grin. I've seen the old television show as well as
the comic strip, and Dennis is a kid through-and-through.

Second, I think you can still find ways to describe with actions as
opposed to telling us things. You often tell us how the characters sound
or how they looked, but can you show us instead? This can still be
accomplished in a shorter piece like this.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter, editor, Slate & Style
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/

"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 7
Date: Fri, 7 Dec 2012 09:41:22 -0600
From: "Robert Leslie Newman" <newmanrl at cox.net>
To: "writers nfb" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Robert's December's writing prompt contribution
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Dear all you editors and fellow writers

RE: December's writing prompt

With our prompt to come up with something like - the rest of the story -
sort of thing, I am again going to share with you all Another one of my
THOUGHT PROVOKERS (TP) --- number  82 entitled "I'm Back, Mister
Wilson." Sharing this piece is in continuation with my ongoing process
of tuning-up of the 154 Tps on my personal site. So keep in mind, this
is a flash fiction piece, it is  a story of 442 words and I am not
looking to make any unnecessary lengthening of the overall story. Yet,
if there is a sentence which needs an additional word or to and/or if
maybe I need to delete something to increase the storyline's flow and in
clarity, then okay. This is a true test of your creativity to keep the
wording at a minimum, but still tell the story in the best crafting
possible.

Help me to make this  short little thought provoking piece flow and
teach blindness . What punctuation needs fixing? In all my areas of
action, am I showing by true action, or am I doing unnecessary
"telling?" 

(Note: How many of you have seen or heard of Dennis the menace? It was a
late 1950's, early 1960's family sitcom. Dennis was a blond haired, blue
eyed eleven year old boy, who had this devilish little smile, and super
cheerful little voice. He wasn't a mean kid, but more --- ah, just got
into situations that would play out on two different levels as in
well-meant helpfulness, but maybe with an irritating note to it. Mister
Wilson was his elderly neighbor and the interaction between the two of
them was a constant source of the shows charm. So year, I have Dennis
going blind --- and after receiving blindness training like at one of
our NFB programs for blind youth, he is back in the neighborhood and -
being his old self. 

THOUGHT PROVOKER 82

I'm Back, Mr. Wilson

"Hi Mister Wilson! I'm back!" said the Eleven year old blind boy walking
speedily along the sidewalk toward his elderly neighbor who waited for
him at the gate to his front yard. A staccato metallic "TAP, TAP, TAP,"
punctuated each step of the toe-haired youngster's progress as he walked
and arched his long white cane.

"Well, Dennis...You are back. Oh, it is good to see you, ah-er, Dennis.
Mrs. Wilson and I have been worried about you. With your loss, ah-er.
Well, ah-er."

"That's alright, Mr. Wilson! You can just call me blind! That's what I
am now!" said the boy in his typical almost too cheerful voice. "There
is so much I need to teach you and Mrs. Wilson about it."

"Well okay, blind. Ah-er, how was that school you went to?" 

"Oh, you mean the kids program at the Rehab center for the blind I was
attending for the past three months? are you wondering how I'm doing,
Mr. Wilson?" Dennis said as he rapidly neared where his elderly neighbor
stood.

"Well yes, Dennis. How are you doing? Ah-er..." Feet beginning to
shuffle first right, then left, uncertainty showing on his face and
motivating his movements, "Ah-er, Do you think you need to slow down
there?" Said Mr. Wilson

"Well Mr. Wilson, I can get around and do about anything that I need to
do! Just like before! Like right now, I'm coming over to visit you and
Mrs. Wilson!"

"Well...you might want to take it easier now. Considering, ah-er" Mr.
Wilson tried to step aside, out of the path of the speeding boy and the
left to right arching of the metal cane tip that looked to him that it
could bruise the ankle.

"OOPS! Mr. Wilson!" Said Dennis, he knew he had just tripped Mr. Wilson,
putting his cane between his elderly neighbors legs.

"OH OUCH." said the older man. "Now look what has happened? I stumbled
back, bumped the gate and it closed and pinched my finger!"

"Gee Mr. Wilson! That hurts, doesn't it! I remember when my mother
closed the car door on my fingers. You know Mr. Wilson, when I was five
I learned not to put my hand in any place like that! Well....Now that
I'm home and with you having an injured hand, I'll have to come over
every day for a month to help you and Mrs. Wilson!"

"Oh well, ah-er, Dennis. It's not that bad. I ah-er, we can manage." 

"Gee Mr. Wilson, aren't you happy to see me back?" 

"Yes Dennis..." said Mr. Wilson his tone veiled in shades of incongruity
and insincerity er, I"...Ah-er, yes. Your blindness has not changed
you."

Robert Leslie Newman