[stylist] Childhood's end (for change assignment)
Chris Kuell
ckuell at comcast.net
Sat Jan 14 22:01:06 UTC 2012
Hi Barbara,
I like the sentiment of this poem, and as a father I can relate, although I
hope a kid is still a few years away from booze and drugs at 13. Some
possible considerations for improvement are:
1. Make your rhyming lines the same number of beats. You mostly do this with
5, but go as high as 8 and as low as 3 (in the fall)
2. Consider dropping some of the 'you's, especially in the first half of the
poem. Your sentences may need a little reworking, but I don't think you need
to spell it out, and it adds a little subtlety to the piece.
3. Consider making it shorter. To me, the many examples of things gone from
childhood over-do it. I like the first 'childhood's end line as an end line,
and might move one of your stanzas to be before it, delete the stanza with
sex and drugs and booze, and then end there.
Thanks for sharing.
chris
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