[stylist] Writing sample, untitled book or novella

[Michelle]

Hi and thanks. Actually, kind and constructive criticism is welcome. I think
you are both right. I knew I wasn't totally happy with it so far, maybe this
is why?

Oh well, on to another hated rewrite, LOL
Michelle


-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Herrin, Amber R.
Sent: Thursday, July 12, 2012 9:20 AM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing sample, untitled book or novella

Hello Michelle and Bridgit,

I was not on the list when this was originally posted, but seeing your
(Bridgit) intriguing response (being a fantasy reader and writer myself), I
scrolled down and read it.

I have to say that this reads very well.  Your shift from one setting to
another is fairly smooth, and your description of characters is very good.

I would have to agree with Michelle, though, in that it seems you describe
more than you act, and while it is nice in some situations, when it is the
majority choice, it becomes hard to immerse yourself in the story.

I don't say anything negative to put the work down--far from it.  I only
mean to back Bridgit in her constructive criticism to help you develop
yourself as a writer.

I'd love to see more of this.

Amber R. Herrin
Assistive Technology Trainer in Training: 2012
Mobile: (513) 593-5855
E-mail: herrinar at muohio.edu
"It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing"
-Kutless "What Faith Can Do"

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Wednesday, July 11, 2012 2:01 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Writing sample, untitled book or novella

Michelle,

Good piece of fiction. I enjoy fantasy, and though this kind of material is
quite rampant now, I still enjoy fantasy, and this piece has promise.

I like the sarcastic tone your protagonist has, which comes across in the
writing. Good sensory details. My one constructive criticism is to try
taking the exhibition and creating action as opposed to telling the reader
things. This helps put readers into the moment instead of just observing it.
Get outside the main characters head at times to develop these scenes with
the proverbial "show" versus the "tell." Over-all though, this has a lot of
great qualities and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Finally a fellow fantasy enthusiast on the list, smile.

By the way, folks, I've obviously been absent on Stylist, but just so much
going on. Finally in third trimester and feeling it. Very tired all the
time, and constant swelling in legs and lower back make doing much for
extended periods of time difficult; even sitting on computer becomes
uncomfortable a times. I'm trying to keep updated on listserves, but not
exactly a priority, and once baby comes, will probably have less time.
So I'll be in and out for quite some time. Hope convention was grand.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter, editor, Slate & Style Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2012 16:28:50 -0400
From: "Michelle" <1blindchik at comcast.net>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] Writing Sample, Untitled book or Novella
Message-ID: <43A300A1CE4C4F08B9C69B2E9E7FB97A at nebf1aad9970f4>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="us-ascii"

 

Robert saw my poem and asked to see a sample of my fiction. I regret not
getting to meet you at Convention Robert. But, here is a sample of my
fiction.

Michelle

 

 

Power Play

By: Michelle Sipe

 

 

 

 

   I couldn't believe he had actually hit me! Of all the stupid, masculine,
overbearing..I took a deep breath, yet it did not stop the first push of my
power like sparks on the wind. My anger came with it, riding on the power
like a cape on the shoulders of a dark phantom.

   I cansee him in the driver's seat, the look on his face after his hand
cracked across my face, splitting my lip. The son of a bitch looked smug!
Bastard.

   John had never hit me before, not through all the fights we had. It was
like being smacked out of reality into some nightmare. It was happening to
somebody else, right?

   Yeah, right.

   I had found out he was cheating on me with one of my friends. I looked
back at him, so handsome with his blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes and
smiled. It didn't feel like a nice smile either. It felt hard and somehow
wrong on my lips.

   John had suddenly looked uncertain, that smug look sliding off his face
like a melting mask. Good, points for me.

   "You are the worst kind of man John, a phoney. The end for you will not
be pretty" Yay! My boice was steady, low and confident made me sound tougher
than I felt.

   "Shayna, I've been drinkin baby. I would never." John's voice faltered as
he saw my pine forest colored  eyes suddenly change, sparkling like there
were scattered stars over the forest green of the iris, making them glow
like a Pine grove aluminated by the full moon.

   "You wouldn't what? Screw one of my best friends? How many times John?
How many ways did you betray me?" My voice was like a sharpened icicle.
"Hitting me was only one last thing, the last time I will ever give you the
power to hurt me."

   "You little bitch," He lunged at me, fast as the shape shifter he was. I
had been expecting this and shoved open my car door, falling out on my back
on the sandy shoulder of the road. I rolled sprang to my feet and I pulled
my power around me. It was like grasping hold of the edges of your favorite
blanket and pulling it close. The wind picked up and somewhere I heard a
wolf howl.

   "Shayna," He snarled out my name, yet didn't quite have the trust to move
out of the car towards me. He was never sure what to make of my power, it
frightened him, I think.

   Good, at last a language he understood. Maybe I was getting wiser as I
got older?

   Nah, just the survival instinct.

   "Get behind the wheel, drive away and do not come after me John." His now
almost amber gaze met my iced pine one. I felt his beast waiting to spring
into action, to force him to change. The other wordly power of him slid
across my skin, making me stumble back a step. I reached deep inside myself
and collected my power, like holding it in a giant fist and pulling it up
from the bottom of a well.

   A low growl trickled from his lips, the beast inside him swimming up,
turning his eyes more wolf than human.

   I wrapped my power around me like the arms of a lover. a  and the chill
wind picked up, it made my black hair dance around my small face.

   "Enough, leave me alone" And my voice commanded no argument. "If you do
not leave, I will call Jordan and tell him what you have done."

  Jordan is the Alpha of the local werewolf pack and he runs a clean and
fairly law abiding pack. Plus he has two daughters under ten and wouldn't
take kindly to John hitting a woman.

   "you wouldn't," His voice somehow deeper, menacing.

   "Try me John," My voice was flat now, dismissive. "And if you shift, I
swear to the Goddess and all her powers, I will hurt you."

   He laughed then. "You can't hurt me. If you do, I will shift and heal.
Then, I will come back and make you pay."

   Oh, great, a brand new enemy to haunt my dreams. Oh well, such is life.

   He snarled then, shifting in a flash of clear liquid and shredded
clothes. The The tawny fur spilling down, replacing skin. The bones
shifting, things popping inside of him that never should pop. And, suddenly
the huge gold, black and whit wolf crouched on the seat, the size of a pony,
bigger, maybe bigger.

   Here we go, shit.

   I threw my arms hands up to the sky and whispered a few words in an
ancient language that only witches of my coven might understand. The sky
seemed to split and fire traced down, pooling in my cupped palms like a
glowing ball.

   John snarled then and leaped at me.

   With one word screamed into those amber eyes, I threw the ball of power
at him and it hit his impossibly broad and furred chest, knocking him back.
He actually yelped like a giant, monsterous dog and turned to rush for the
forest, fur on his chest smoking.

   "That's right bastard! If you ever lay a hand on me again, I'll kill
you."

   Damn! I actually sounded menacing. Yeah, little old me, huh.

   Did I forget to mention that I am a witch? Oh, sorry about that. I'm not
the bent over crone with straw like hair and warts. I get my powers from the
earth, the elements and the herbs given to the earth by the Goddess.

   I made a futile search for the car keys then. I found them, however some
of my power must have touched them because they were all melted together and
bent. Useless.

   I swore with feeling. Damn the luck.

   What is that? Why don't I just undo my own spell? That'd be great and it
can be done. However, it takes time and intricate spells to do it. I had
none of my spell books here to create a spell for such controlled magic. So,
walk it was.

   And you thought I could just whip up something in the spell department,
how human of you!

   As I walked along the shoulder of the two lane highway, I thought about
John betraying me with Jen. Long legged, perfect golden Jen. It made me
sick.   I turned down the narrow, single lane dirt road that would
eventually take me back to the edge of town. Thick forest crowded up on both
sides and cast the lane into deep darkness, blocking out the diamond light
of the stars scattered over the midnight velvet of the sky. My high heeled
black boots crunched through the fall of Autumn leaves. The air was so
frosty and spice scented from the woods. I lifted my head and thanked the
Goddess for such beauty.

   "You dare show your power in my territory?" The voice whispered along my
skin, raising goose bumps that had nothing to do with fear. But, I jumped
and that head everything to do with fear. 

   Me? Jumpy? Nah!

   I stop and curled suddenly cold fingers around the warmth of my
protection charm that hung around my neck. "Who's there?" And my voice was
surprisingly calm.

   And then he stepped into the center of the lane and the world stood still
as his sky blue eyes met my shadowed foliage colored  ones. Oh Goddess was
there really men this beautiful?

   He had to be six foot tall, muscular but not like a body builder.
Slim and wiry. High cheekbones, straight nose, square chin. Large wide set
eyes tilting at the outer corners to hint at something exotic. And that
hair, rich and thick a chestnut brown that spilled to his waist like silk.

   "Who gave you permission to use your power in my land?" His voice was
deceptively soft.

   "I.I." I stuttered like the village idiot. I swallowed hard and tried
again, with bravado this time Shayna! Who are you?"

   His power reached out, like a hand caressing down my skin, getting the
feel for me, calling to my own powers. But my power was all about warmth and
growth and life. His was not.

   It was like ice wrapped in a velvet blanket, dark and forbidding and so
very alluring. He was undead and one of the most powerful vamps I had ever
come across. I felt how powerful he was, a heavy, thick power that tasted
cold and sweet on my tongue.

   His laughter then, a soft roll of silk, a knee melting caress.

   "I am Sean and this is my city"

   "The new master of the city? Oh!" I went to my knees at his feet and
bowed my head.

   "Forgive me my slip in politeness Master of the city. I was protecting
myself." I hope my show of submission appealed to him.

   It must have, as he reached down, taking my arm and pulling me to my
feet. He did not let go of the arm in question, however.

   "From what did you need your magic to protect yourself?" No emotion in
his voice, blank and pleasant.

   "Ex boyfriend is a werewolf. We were breaking up. He hit me"

   Something moved across his face then, those sunny January sky eyes
sparked and he seemed to study my face closely. Finally he released my arm,
but only to rais a hand and smooth my fall of dark hair back and gently rub
a thumb over my split bottom lip.

   "Bastard," he said with feeling in barely a whisper.

   "Master?" My voice trembled. When Sean's thumb made contact with my skin
it was like kissing a light socket: ZING!!! I jumped back like I'd been
shot.er, shocked.

   That intoxicating laugh again, running down my spine like warm honey,
sweet and dark and drowning my senses.

   "You stood down the werewolf and chased him away?" Surprise made his
voice deeper. "Oh, little kitten!"

   Don't call me that," there was an annoyed edge in my voice. My cheeks
were warm, I hate to blush! Makes me feel like a giggly teen.

   "Come on Kitten, I will walk with you home. And, Jordan will hear of
this, his wolves are usually better behaved." Sean took my elbow and we
started back down the road.

   "Damn right he'll hear about it. What the hell was he thinking letting a
jerk like John into his pack." My voice was hot with indignation now.

   Those laughing winter sky eyes looked at me. "And what were you thinking
my Kitten, dating a jerk like that?"

   Jerking the elbow he held from his grasp, I raised my chin: "None of your
business."

   His laughter was our companion as we walked the last few yards to my
driveway.

 

   The house was blazing with lights as we reached the door so, as usual, my
brother was up. He is a terrible night owl, but then so am I.
Disfunctional? Us? Nah!

   Since his divorce three months ago, my brother had been staying with me.
It made it easier when he took his two young daughterseach weekend.

   "You might as well come in," I told Sean. Did I sound a bit reluctant?
Probably, but damn he unnerved me! Men should not be this attractive.

   Soft laughter. "I want to see the inside of your house Kitten, I think it
will tell me more about you than those bottomless green eyes,."

   *I shivered as the laughter worked its way under my skin and ran along my
nerves like an electric current. Goddess I was in trouble.

   I walked into the kitchen and Sean followed. The music thundered through
the house like the drums of giants making me cringe.

   "Jordy! Shut off that damn racket! Company!" I turned and grimaced at
Sean. "Sorry, my brother is a bit deaf," I joked.

   "Hey sis!" He came in the room on bare feet, skin tight faded jeans and a
flannel shirt hung off him unbuttoned.

   "Jordan, must you play that racket so loud?" I asked, unable to keep my
hand from smoothing back some of his silky black hair that fell well below
his shoulders. He was my older brother by two years, but sometimes he was
like a kid.

   "Sorry Sis," He came over and roughed my hair until I sqeaked and jerked
away. "Jordan!" I could not contain the giggle that bubbled up though.

   Yes, Jordan, alpha of the local werewolf pack is my brother. My family is
so messed up. My poor parents, right? I mean son that is a werewolf and
daughter a witch! Right, my father was a powerful wizard and my Mother was a
fairy. That's right, one big happy metaphysical family. Can you say Jerry
Springer?

   "Well Kitten, somebody who breaks your guard down," I could hear the
raised eyebrow in Sean's voice.

   Turning, I observed him leaning against the counter, legs crossed ath the
ankle, arms folded over his chest. I noticed he wore nicely fitting black
jeans and a black turtle neneck. There were black combat boots on his feet,
half unlaced and a small silver hoop hung at his left earlobe.
And those heavenly eyes sparkled with mirth.

   "I'm warning you." I raised a hand to point at him. Jordan interrupted
though, striding over to Sean and giving a submissive bow.

   "Sean, master, funny seeing you here!"

   "Your sister and I met along the road. It seems she had trouble with one
of your wolves," Sean's voice was deceptively mild.

   "Sis?" Jordan turned to face me. He had nice hazel eyes that changed
color with his mood, like a mood ring. Right now they were somber gray/blue.
"Was it John again?"

   "Yeah, but it's nothing. We are broken up now. I had to throw a bit of
magic at him though. He shifted on me." 

   The first sign of anger played over Jordan's face then, his full mouth
tightening a little, eyes hardening. "Is he a total idiot? I warned him
once."

   "He hit her," Seans voice was tight with the anger that showed in
Jordan's eyes. "Look at her lip, its split."

   Jordan cupped my chin, studying my lip. His anger was a real thing then,
touchable and hot and full of the ferocity of his beast. "That son of a
bitch!"

   "Will you two stop acting like cave men protecting the damsel? I expect
one of you to pound your chest and give a war yell." I was trying to make
them smile. It didn't work.

   Damn,j tough crowd tonight.

   I looked up to see master vampire and alpha werewolf meet gazes in some
silent, testosterone filled communication. Great, this was all I needed, a
war started because I got a little cut on my lip.

   "Enough guys, please, it is okay now." I heard the cajoling note in my
voice and hoped they did too.

   No such luck, should have guessed.

   "Shayna," Jordan said, his eyeswere a deep dark blue now, angry and
almost not human anymore. "He will pay for this. He doesn't defy me. He will
never defy me again." He was pulling on socks and his own boots now. Sean
straightedned and came to stand in front of me.

   "Kitten?" He touched my chin.

  "Does John really have to die for this?" My gaze looked pleadingly up at
Sean.

   "Yes, your brother is alpha and he can not leave something like this go.
The rest of his pack would see it as him being too soft. Besides, you are
his sister."

   "And you plan to help him?" I asked, fingers nervously playing with a
protection charm around my wrist.

   "Yes," And his voice held all the power of a true master vampire, though
his voice was incredibly soft. A whisper of thunder.

   "Why? Why must you get involved?" I asked defiantly angry. "Why the hell
do you care about me, you only just met me."

   His laughter caressed my aura, shimmering over my body. "Oh, that one is
easy Kitten." His fingertips stroked my cheek? "You belong to me."

   He turned away then to Jordan coming back into the room, leaving me
sputtering on my surprised outrage.

   "Harley just called," Jordan's mouth was a thin line. "It seems that
there are reports of a rogue shape shifter terrorizing a crowd down town at
the Adolph"

   "Any deaths?" Sean's voice was tight.

   "Not yet, but several inguries. We have to stop him.

   They sped out to Jordan's jeep. I grabbed my black bag and raced out to
slip into the jeep too. Hey, as a witch, I can move undetectably until it is
too late. Sneaky? Me? You bet!


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