[stylist] feedback/critique request

[The Crowd]

Hi Chris,

I kind of chopped up the presentation, sticking my comments in there.  I 
hope they help. Use what you want and ditch the rest.

I've attached it.

Thank you Chris for sharing this, I don't know if I'm just getting 
sentimental or if you guys are just kick-ass writers. Probably both!

Atty

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Robert Leslie Newman" <newmanrl at cox.net>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 12:31 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] feedback/critique request


> Chris
> X-Antispam: NO; Spamcatcher 6.1.2. Score 1
>
> I'm not going to give you anything on the sentences and words --- didn't
> have anything there jump out at me (JAWS was in continuous read mode) and
> I'd have to go through it sentence by sentence and I'm pushed for time.
>
> But on the blindness philosophical side- I like how you started and ended
> with a thoughtful lesson. And it is the end part that I'm thinking is
> missing something, an opportunity to convey that blind guys do travel and
> enjoy it. In that final paragraph you somewhat hint at this when you 
> include
> the phrase "new experience," but really do not say that would/does include
> travel! Like Dude, this whole piece is about travel and, this is a travel
> related contest and you use of blindness is --- knowing you an educational
> essay and we want the readers and the travel professionals to know that
> blind guys travel and enjoy it! Like ah --- life and travel is more than a
> picture! (Consider either scrubbing the "crack" crack, and rework in the
> provockitive notion that "life is more than a picture."
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
> Behalf Of Chris Kuell
> Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2012 11:21 AM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Subject: [stylist] feedback/critique request
>
> Greetings.
>
> Below is my draft 1200 word (exactly) travel essay for the Writer Magazine
> contest. I'd appreciate any feedback and/or comments and/or ideas for
> improvements you may have. Are the sentences clear? Choppy? do you see 
> where
> I can trim words? Does the end make sense?
>
> Thanks in advance.
>
> A Grand Perspective
>
>
> By Chris Kuell
>
>
>
> I stepped outside the ophthalmologist's office and squinted in the 
> sunshine.
> People walked briskly by as I stood dumfounded. Another surgery. Nothing
> could have scared me more.
>
>
>
> I became diabetic at age nine, and hadn't been very careful about what I
> consumed growing up. Mountain Dew, Ring dings-I ate whatever the other 
> kids
> ate. At twenty-eight, I developed diabetic retinopathy in my right eye. I
> began a strict diet and daily exercise, but still needed surgery. Despite
> the efforts of the best retinal specialists on the East Coast, I lost all
> sight in that eye. Two years later, it was happening again in my left eye.
>
>
>
> I ambled down the sidewalk, trying to keep my emotions under control. My
> dilated eye focused on a neon sign which read 'McCarthy Travel'. The 
> window
> showed off colorful pictures of Cozumel, Hamburg, Prague. A bell jingled 
> as
> I went inside.
>
>
>
> Back home, my wife asked about my appointment. "Not good," I said. "Think
> you can take off work Friday?"
>
>
>
> Suddenly concerned, she asked, "Do you need to go back to the doctor?"
>
>
>
> "No. I bought us tickets to Phoenix, departing Friday morning. I want to 
> see
> the Grand Canyon."
>
>
>
> Our ten-month-old daughter cried through most of the flight, and our son,
> who was five at the time, didn't understand why we were even going. "Isn't
> the Grand Canyon just a big crack in the earth?"I said yes, but it's a
> really big crack, and promised he'd be impressed.
>
>
>
> In Phoenix, we ditched our jackets and headed north onI-17.  Our first 
> stop
> came after only   twenty minutes, at a cheesy tourist trap called 
> 'Frontier
> Town'. There were several old, crooked buildings, some folks dressed in
> old-west garb, and even a simulated gun fight every other hour. The most
> excitement came when my son kicked a small barrel cactus and ended up with 
> a
> sneaker full of thorns and newfound respect for the native flora. We also
> paused to take a family photo in front of a twenty-five foot saguaro 
> cactus
> with a base the size of a telephone pole. One particularly good shot 
> became
> our Christmas card photo that year.
>
>
>
> We continued a hundred miles north to Sedona, which was as close to Mars 
> as
> I'll ever get. We climbed around the brick-colored terrain, amazed at the
> beauty of a world so different from our native New England. No trees or
> vegetation, it appeared as though the hand of God had reached down from
> heaven and ripped everything off, exposing the rocky red innards of our
> planet.
>
>
>
> We spent the night in Flagstaff, heading for the Grand Canyon the 
> following
> morning. As my wife drove, we saw a beautiful, snow-capped mounting peak
> rising up from the desert to our right. It looked to be ten or fifteen 
> miles
> away. The desert is deceptive, though, because the mountain stayed off in
> the distance for more than an hour before we passed it.
>
>
>
> We arrived at the South Rim of Grand Canyon National Park and went to the
> first scenic overlook we came to. As we left the parking lot, the wind
> increased significantly. The temperature was somewhere in the 
> mid-eighties,
> and though the sun was shining brightly, the powerful wind provided a 
> strong
> cooling effect. My wife carried our daughter and reminded me to hold my
> son's hand tightly. We made our way to a railed overlook extending thirty
> feet into the canyon. The view was magnificent, the rock wall a yellow 
> gold
> color with many striations visible across on the North rim. Nothing but
> awe-inspiring space to the East and west of us, this was definitely one 
> hell
> of a big crack. The slope was such that we couldn't see the Colorado River
> below, so I followed my son's lead and stuck my head through the railing 
> to
> get a better view. The wind was so strong I could barely hear my wife's
> shouts to get our heads back in.
>
>
>
> We spent the day walking the Rim Trail, which much to my wife's dismay, 
> ran
> without any railing just feet from the edge of the canyon. When she 
> stopped
> to take a drink of water or change the baby, my son and I would go 'off
> trail' and climb out onto rocks that jutted out into the canyon, thrilled 
> as
> much by the danger as the breathtaking view.
>
>
>
> We drove and explored the various vistas along the South Rim, enjoying
> occasional views of wildlife as well as the canyon. The park is home to 
> mule
> deer, which are very different than the type of deer we see in 
> Connecticut,
> elk, rock squirrels and small lizards. At one point my son pointed skyward
> and asked, "Dad, is that an eagle?"
>
>
>
> I looked up but my vision was so bad I couldn't see a thing. "I'm not 
> sure,"
> I said. "Could be."
>
>
>
> The sunset at Mohave Point was spectacular. As the light grew low, the
> canyon walls turned amazing shades of red and orange. After eating buffalo
> burgers in the village, we checked into our lodge, which was more like a
> hotel than some national park cabins we'd camped in. Exhausted, we all 
> slept
> like bears, and in the morning were greeted by a shocking surprise.
>
>
>
> While the previous day had been sunny and in the mid-80s, we woke to an 
> inch
> of fresh snow on the ground, a few flakes still meandering earthward. The
> view from the rim was completely different, a sheen of white everywhere,
> vortexes of snow blowing around like stationary tornados within the walls 
> of
> the canyon.
>
>
>
> My son found deer tracks and we followed them while my wife packed up our
> gear. A half hour later, the deer tracks disappeared as the snow melted 
> and
> we helped load up the car.
>
>
>
> When all our belongings were packed, we walked to the rim for one final 
> look
> at the Canyon we'd traveled 2700 miles to see. I held my wife's hand,
> grateful for her love and support.
>
>
>
> "Ready to go?" she asked.
>
>
>
> "You go ahead. I'll join you in a minute."
>
>
>
> I stood and gazed into the vastness of the Grand Canyon, humbled by the 
> work
> nature had performed. An ancient river carved this masterpiece over the
> course of 70 million years. It was beautiful, it was awe inspiring, and it
> would likely be the last time I ever saw such a wonder. A mist of tears
> clouded my waning vision. As I blinked them away, I heard a soft snap to 
> my
> right. There, not five feet from me, was a deer. I stood, motionless, not
> even breathing, as it bent its head, nibbled on a plant, and paid me no
> mind.
>
>
>
> I had two surgeries on my left eye, but ended up losing all my sight. I've
> adapted to blindness and now live a happy, fulfilling life. The universe
> still sends me an occasional wonder-a new experience, technology, or
> relationship-- and I receive each and every one with gratitude. I'm glad 
> we
> took that trip to the Grand Canyon because I got to see it visually, and I
> had fun with my family. I saw that the world, like my life, is cracked, 
> yet
> it's a beautiful thing.
>
>
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