[stylist] Feedback/critique request

Thu May 24 19:42:33 UTC 2012

Chris,

Good title.

One thing I do, and this is not right or wrong, just what I prefer, so I
merely suggest it for consideration, is to eliminate words especially
conjunctions where I can. For example:

Chris: I stepped outside the ophthalmologist's office and squinted in
the sunshine.

My suggestion: I stepped outside the ophthalmologist's office, squinting
in the sunshine.

I took out the and, placed a comma and changed squinted to squinting.
It's just a little surgical editing I prefer, but again, not right or
wrong.

In the third para you use the verb ambled in the first sentence, which I
like. Try to replace common verbs like walk or run with stronger ones
like amble especially if using adverbs like lightly or jauntily. Good
job with this.

Again, just a suggestion for consideration, but take out the "trying,"
place a comma and just use "keeping my emotions..." A preference thing
that I just find a little cleaner, but it doesn't drastically take away
from the narrative either.

You write: Suddenly concerned, she asked, "Do you need to go back to the
doctor?"

Again, just a suggestion, but consider giving your wife an action as
opposed to the adverb description and dialogue tag. For example:

Her abrupt glance up matched the concern in her voice. "Do you need to
go to the doctor again?"

Just a preference thing to consider.

Curious about the apostrophe in front of Frontier Town in para eight.
Also, good details in this para.

Like the analogy in para 9 of your first sentence: We continued a
hundred miles north to Sedona, which was as close to Mars as I'll ever
get. 

I just love these descriptions. They are just gorgeous and detailed: We
climbed around the brick-colored terrain, amazed at the beauty of a
world so different from our native New England. No trees or vegetation,
it appeared as though the hand of God had reached down from heaven and
ripped everything off, exposing the rocky red innards of our planet. 

Consider splitting para 11 into two, perhaps breaking between the
following sentences: My wife carried our daughter and reminded me to
hold my son's hand tightly. We made our way to a railed overlook
extending thirty feet into the canyon. 

Again, great descriptions in para 11.

In para 12, sentence two, should there be a "the" between off and trail?
Or if you mean off trail, I don't believe it requires notation of any
type such as italics, which I assume is why you use apostrophes around
it.

Another description I love in para 16: The view from the rim was
completely different, a sheen of white everywhere, vortexes of snow
blowing around like stationary tornados within the walls of the canyon. 

Consider switching the final para so you end with the image of you and
the deer. I think this image is so powerful even though your point is
about no longer visually experiencing the world. Try placing your final
para before the second to last. You may need a sentence or two to make
it fit there, but ending with that para sort of stunts the piece for me.
I just really like that final image in the second to last para, and it
is a way to describe the point of the narrative.

That second to last para also keeps us in the moment of the narrative
whereas the final para breaks it up, taking us completely out of it. I
feel ending with the deer and you is more powerful than how it currently
ends, and again, I feel the second to last para does wrap it up as well
with regards to your intent.

Also, depending on the intention of the piece and the publication,
consider beginning the piece differently. It works as is, but not
knowing the publication, I wonder if leading with a nature thing would
be more fitting.

Either way, this is a strong, solid piece. Great descriptions and strong
intent.

Sincerely,

Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter

Read my blog at:  <http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/>
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/

"History is not what happened; history is what was written down." The
Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 15

Date: Thu, 24 May 2012 12:20:36 -0400

From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>

To: <stylist at nfbnet.org>

Subject: [stylist] feedback/critique request

Message-ID: <BD9931DED51C4DDE99CE28E44DB4ABD6 at ChrisPC>

Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"

Greetings.

Below is my draft 1200 word (exactly) travel essay for the Writer
Magazine contest. I'd appreciate any feedback and/or comments and/or
ideas for improvements you may have. Are the sentences clear? Choppy? do
you see where I can trim words? Does the end make sense?

Thanks in advance.

A Grand Perspective

By Chris Kuell

I stepped outside the ophthalmologist's office and squinted in the
sunshine. People walked briskly by as I stood dumfounded. Another
surgery. Nothing could have scared me more.

I became diabetic at age nine, and hadn't been very careful about what I
consumed growing up. Mountain Dew, Ring dings-I ate whatever the other
kids ate. At twenty-eight, I developed diabetic retinopathy in my right
eye. I began a strict diet and daily exercise, but still needed surgery.
Despite the efforts of the best retinal specialists on the East Coast, I
lost all sight in that eye. Two years later, it was happening again in
my left eye.

I ambled down the sidewalk, trying to keep my emotions under control. My
dilated eye focused on a neon sign which read 'McCarthy Travel'. The
window showed off colorful pictures of Cozumel, Hamburg, Prague. A bell
jingled as I went inside.

Back home, my wife asked about my appointment. "Not good," I said.
"Think you can take off work Friday?"

Suddenly concerned, she asked, "Do you need to go back to the doctor?" 

"No. I bought us tickets to Phoenix, departing Friday morning. I want to
see the Grand Canyon."

Our ten-month-old daughter cried through most of the flight, and our
son, who was five at the time, didn't understand why we were even going.
"Isn't the Grand Canyon just a big crack in the earth?"I said yes, but
it's a really big crack, and promised he'd be impressed.

In Phoenix, we ditched our jackets and headed north onI-17. Our first
stop came after only twenty minutes, at a cheesy tourist trap called
'Frontier Town'. There were several old, crooked buildings, some folks
dressed in old-west garb, and even a simulated gun fight every other
hour. The most excitement came when my son kicked a small barrel cactus
and ended up with a sneaker full of thorns and newfound respect for the
native flora. We also paused to take a family photo in front of a
twenty-five foot saguaro cactus with a base the size of a telephone
pole. One particularly good shot became our Christmas card photo that
year.

We continued a hundred miles north to Sedona, which was as close to Mars
as I'll ever get. We climbed around the brick-colored terrain, amazed at
the beauty of a world so different from our native New England. No trees
or vegetation, it appeared as though the hand of God had reached down
from heaven and ripped everything off, exposing the rocky red innards of
our planet. 

We spent the night in Flagstaff, heading for the Grand Canyon the
following morning. As my wife drove, we saw a beautiful, snow-capped
mounting peak rising up from the desert to our right. It looked to be
ten or fifteen miles away. The desert is deceptive, though, because the
mountain stayed off in the distance for more than an hour before we
passed it.

We arrived at the South Rim of Grand Canyon National Park and went to
the first scenic overlook we came to. As we left the parking lot, the
wind increased significantly. The temperature was somewhere in the
mid-eighties, and though the sun was shining brightly, the powerful wind
provided a strong cooling effect. My wife carried our daughter and
reminded me to hold my son's hand tightly. We made our way to a railed
overlook extending thirty feet into the canyon. The view was
magnificent, the rock wall a yellow gold color with many striations
visible across on the North rim. Nothing but awe-inspiring space to the
East and west of us, this was definitely one hell of a big crack. The
slope was such that we couldn't see the Colorado River below, so I
followed my son's lead and stuck my head through the railing to get a
better view. The wind was so strong I could barely hear my wife's shouts
to get our heads back in. 

We spent the day walking the Rim Trail, which much to my wife's dismay,
ran without any railing just feet from the edge of the canyon. When she
stopped to take a drink of water or change the baby, my son and I would
go 'off trail' and climb out onto rocks that jutted out into the canyon,
thrilled as much by the danger as the breathtaking view. 

We drove and explored the various vistas along the South Rim, enjoying
occasional views of wildlife as well as the canyon. The park is home to
mule deer, which are very different than the type of deer we see in
Connecticut, elk, rock squirrels and small lizards. At one point my son
pointed skyward and asked, "Dad, is that an eagle?"

I looked up but my vision was so bad I couldn't see a thing. "I'm not
sure," I said. "Could be." 

The sunset at Mohave Point was spectacular. As the light grew low, the
canyon walls turned amazing shades of red and orange. After eating
buffalo burgers in the village, we checked into our lodge, which was
more like a hotel than some national park cabins we'd camped in.
Exhausted, we all slept like bears, and in the morning were greeted by a
shocking surprise. 

While the previous day had been sunny and in the mid-80s, we woke to an
inch of fresh snow on the ground, a few flakes still meandering
earthward. The view from the rim was completely different, a sheen of
white everywhere, vortexes of snow blowing around like stationary
tornados within the walls of the canyon. 

My son found deer tracks and we followed them while my wife packed up
our gear. A half hour later, the deer tracks disappeared as the snow
melted and we helped load up the car. 

When all our belongings were packed, we walked to the rim for one final
look at the Canyon we'd traveled 2700 miles to see. I held my wife's
hand, grateful for her love and support. 

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"You go ahead. I'll join you in a minute."

I stood and gazed into the vastness of the Grand Canyon, humbled by the
work nature had performed. An ancient river carved this masterpiece over
the course of 70 million years. It was beautiful, it was awe inspiring,
and it would likely be the last time I ever saw such a wonder. A mist of
tears clouded my waning vision. As I blinked them away, I heard a soft
snap to my right. There, not five feet from me, was a deer. I stood,
motionless, not even breathing, as it bent its head, nibbled on a plant,
and paid me no mind. 

I had two surgeries on my left eye, but ended up losing all my sight.
I've adapted to blindness and now live a happy, fulfilling life. The
universe still sends me an occasional wonder-a new experience,
technology, or relationship-- and I receive each and every one with
gratitude. I'm glad we took that trip to the Grand Canyon because I got
to see it visually, and I had fun with my family. I saw that the world,
like my life, is cracked, yet it's a beautiful thing.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
 <http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/>
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/

"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan