[stylist] Gratitude, a Reflection

[Lynda Lambert]

Chris,
Thanks a MILLION for your suggestions. I agree with all of them...I was 
hoping someone who has an editor's insight would give it a close read.  I 
had reworked it from the original blog from 6 months ago.  I wanted to move 
it from a blog piece, to an essay.

I was just talking about writing and editing early this morning with my 
daughter Ilsa who is a librarian. We were  discussing  how we "read"  and 
"write" literature, but  we  leave the editing up to someone who does the 
clean-up work. I  appreciate  that you took the time to make suggestions for 
improving the piece.  Thank you!
Lynda




----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Chris Kuell" <ckuell at comcast.net>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, November 11, 2012 9:30 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Gratitude, a Reflection


> Linda,
>
> This is a powerful piece, and I love the image of the dancing crimson 
> butterflies as the holy spirit. I connect with it personally because I had 
> a blind friend in WV, and when her son died at 19, she had the image of a 
> butterfly in her mind--landing, allowing her to enjoy it for a few 
> seconds, and then flying off. Her telling me that will always stick in my 
> mind. The best part of all, of course, is the end, meaning Heidi is still 
> alive and kicking 5+ years later, which is momentous.
>
> You have a couple of sentence constructions which I found a little clunky, 
> and as with Eve's piece, I'm not a fan of the many semi-colons. I find 
> that they slow the reading, and I'm not sure that's what you are after. 
> But, it's probably just me.
>
> The movement of this dance comes forth in living color;  in Western 
> Pennsylvania.- Here, for example, I'd just take the semi-colon out, or 
> rewrite the sentence without using 2 'in's. For example--The movement of 
> the dance springs forth with bursts of vibrant colors in Western 
> Pennsylvania.
>
> As I watched them, it was the most normal scene I could ever have seen.- 
> Here, I fine the double homonym clunky. Plus, and of course you are the 
> writer, but I don't find that a normal scene at all! I find it magical, 
> entrancing, captivating, emotional...
>
> She actively works at her art, and is in exhibitions including an 
> international invitation one that her work is in right now.- In this 
> sentence, the 'one' is a real bump in the road for me. I'd suggest 
> reworking it.
>
> Last fall was the fifth year that the team and her family walked with her 
> in the sunshine at the "Walk to Break the Silence."- I think it would be 
> good to say what the 'Walk to break the silence' is for, for us dummies 
> out there who haven't heard of it.
>
> Overall, a very nice piece, Linda. Thank you for sharing.
>
> chris
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