[stylist] William the Conqueror; some thoughts

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Bill,

I have always enjoyed history, and I appreciate the weaving of a
historical figure among your own life. Just a few comments:

I see where you are going with this, and I applaud the feat, but I do
believe Eve is correct. I know you are striving for a sentiment and
motif, but the reality is that you are trying to deal with history. For
an essay like this to be powerful, the historical information needs to
be accurate, and the figures and information need to fit with the
over-all subject. Arguing that it was a different time to excuse certain
behavior doesn't help the cause of this essay, which is to promote the
spirit of independence and fortitude and a desire to reach your full
potential. The skeletons of this piece are strong, and if you tack down
the historical info, it could be a really meaningful essay.

Watch your sentence construction because it becomes clunky at times, and
it's not always concise. It can take time, but read each sentence
carefully and several times; this can help ensure the most concise and
precise sentence structure.

I agree with Chris that you should try to find better means in which to
describe and express your thoughts. Focus on stronger verbs.

I also like Chris's idea of digging deeper with your own life. What you
are attempting is often called a braided essay. You are taking two or
more topics and/or people and weaving, or braiding, the stories. Let's
see more specifics of Bill. Pin-point specific moments, developing some
scenes perhaps, that show the connection.

Braided essays can be difficult, and I commend you for trying. This has
a lot of potential, and I would love to see a revision.

***FYI, someone asked this question, and Plantagenet was just a surname
for the ruling class in Britain at the time. They preceded the Tudors,
Henry the VIII and Elizabeth I being two of the most famous Tudors to
rule.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter, editor, Slate & Style
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 7
Date: Mon, 12 Nov 2012 17:33:58 -0500
From: "Bill Outman" <woutman at earthlink.net>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] William the Conqueror; some thoughts to ponder
Message-ID: <000901cdc125$ce69e6d0$6b3db470$@net>
Content-Type: text/plain;	charset="us-ascii"

Good afternoon, folks.  

 

This may sound like it runs a bit counter to what we have been
discussing the last couple days concerning gratitude, but it's worth
thinking about.  

 

It came up earlier today when I was discussing division business with
Robert off list.  I had it partially written several months ago, but I
have enough now to present for your consideration.  

 

 

 

Here it is below.  

 

William the Conqueror 

 

William I of England, the first of the Plantaginate kings, accomplished
in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings the rare feat of a successful military
campaign across the English Channel.  He thus acquired the English
throne, having set out from the Normandy region of France.  This earned
him the nickname William the Conqueror.  

 

The name William originates from the German Wilhelm, meaning resolute
protector.  Resolute in intent he certainly was.  It can rightly be said
that his act of conquest was odacious.  

 

Though I am known by Bill my given name is actually William, and I've
desired after a fashion to be another William the Conqueror.  I have
desired not to be just William the Acceptor.  

 

If William the Acceptor had existed, he would have been utterly content
to accept his lot in life as pre-ordained and immutable.  He would have
accepted a status quo existence, thus remaining a complete unknown.
This is why we have never heard of him.  

 

We may accept our need to cope with lack of vision, but if we do not
have some of the spirit of a conqueror, we will not reach our full
potential and experience the full amount of joy that might be possible.


 

Bill Outman