[stylist] Comments on CK gratitude prompt

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Chris,

I finally took some time to read your prompt exercise. I didn't have a
ton of time to analyze it too much, but here are my thoughts. Wait, will
come back to it later as Declan is now crying, grin. Okay, here we go,
ha-ha!

You capture my attention right away. Good first line.

You write, "His voice was relatively accent less, perhaps Pennsylvania
or Michigan or one of those other uncharacteristic states."

What is an "uncharacteristic state?" I know what you mean, but I don't
at the same time.

You write, "But after two days of minimal conversation, she'd grown to
appreciate the silence, the unspoken, and    opted for a sip of Merlot
instead."

I think it gets a little messy with, "she'd grown to appreciate the
silence, the unspoken." I think you can get rid of "unspoken," since it
seems a bit redundant and unnecessary.

At the end of a para, you write, "'Why California?' he asked."

I don't think you need the dialogue tag "he asked" since we already know
it's Patrick speaking.

You use dialogue tags a lot. Once a speaker is established, it's not
necessary to continue the tags. Not wrong, just not necessary.

I like the weaving in and out of Emily's story. We gain more and more as
we go. One thought, if you ever turned this into something more,
consider creating actual scenes when we get to Emily's health, the
transplant and Bobby's behavior. Think of it like a movie with
flashbacks. Just my opinion, but it would be cool to see a moment with
Emily and her experiences.

Emily is a complex character that I really like. I can totally picture
her in my mind.

Your descriptions are detailed too. This story is pretty
three-dimensional. A very strong start.

I love the final para. It's just beautiful, and in a way, I can identify
with Emily. Not the marital issues but that drive to seek a new
beginning, new experiences. Good job as usual.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan