[stylist] my entry1 weird thanksgiving

[Eve Sanchez]

Vejas, I like that you wanted an nontraditional story, but there are a few
issues with it that I think, if addressed, could help make a better piece.
First that I am thinking of is the wording of the incident between Malina
and Danny in the fountain. She was trying to pull him away from what? If
the problem was that he was splashing her would she not want to get away
from him, not get him closer?  I also know that you love having multiple
births in your stories, but the rarity of quadruplets and even more so
sextuplets is extreme. It would not be something that would be met with
nonchalance. Another thing that I really think your plot is based on is
that of the special place of Danny in his family because the mother was
told she could not carry boys to term. I have never heard of selective
gestational issues based solely on sex. I think you need to do some
research on these points to make them more plausible. Put in a little more
conversation between the characters. More detail. And I have never heard of
a text book with profanity aside from the fact that if something is in a
text it is allowed or that book would not be allowed. Work on this and I
think you have a great start for a really funny holiday story. Thanks for
sharing. Eve

On Wed, Nov 21, 2012 at 3:58 PM, vejas <brlsurfer at gmail.com> wrote:

> Hi,
> I've finally written something.  None of this is based on my real life,
> except I did hear that people yesterday were already going to Thanksgiving
> sales.
> I'm open to any critiques.  Do you feel it was appropriate for me to
> include the scene about Spanish class?
> Thanks,
> Vejas
>
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