[stylist] my entry1 weird thanksgiving

[Danielle Antoine]

Hello Vejas,
from inferences, I am able to gauge quite a bit about the other
family. But, I would like more background and descriptions of Milena
and Reed. Great start and storyline though and I do hope you add to it
and expand.

On 11/22/12, Robert Leslie Newman <newmanrl at cox.net> wrote:
> Vejas
>
> I too enjoyed your story! (Gee, you really do have a thing for multiple
> births. Interesting.)
>
> My suggestion concerns a point early in the story that needs work to make
> the transition in thought more smoothly. Here is the passage:
>
> "...Milena sighed.  Last year she'd seen people waiting on Tuesday, but
> that
> was the earliest she'd ever seen.  That family had been visiting Florida
> from the Netherlands, and had been given so many dirty looks it wasn't even
> funny..."
>
> And my feeling is this - I think the sentence starting with "That family"
> --- those two words "that family" are not the best choice to introduce the
> idea of "people waiting" As in, we didn't know she was referring to  a
> family "that family" --- she only referred to "people." And so this
> sentence
> starting with "That family" made me have to stop and puzzle out if we were
> still talking about who she was referring to, those "people waiting." Word
> choice can either aid or break the flow of a tale. And so if you were to
> maybe start that sentence with "it was a family," then the word "it" makes
> a
> plausible back reference to "people" and helps us with the transition to
> learning that the people waiting was a family.
>
> Thanks
>
>
>
>
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