[stylist] Robert's gratitude submission

Sun Nov 25 14:53:16 UTC 2012

Robert, Thank you. I was finally able to read it. I do have two suggestions
for you. First is "Hee-hee..." Sorry, but this bugs the heck out of me and
I know a lot of people use it, but no one really sounds like that when they
laugh unless they are being an a__. I think that if you are going to quote
a laugh, which is more of a sound that a quote you should practice laughing
and listen to what it sounds like. Either that or reword to show that she
is laughing without having to write the sound. The second thing is when you
get to 'Next day". This makes it sound more like a captains log 'Stardate
yadda yadda' than a story. Put something like, 'The next day in class the
teacher called on them to relay their experiences. Well, in your words of
course, cuz we know I am insane. haha.   Oh crap, there's a third, what do
the wrinkles have to do with anything? My memory is going, but wasn't the
one who mentioned them totally blind? What did she do, touch the lady?
Maybe put a funny incident in there. I know this was supposed to be a short
thought provoker, but I think it could be pulled into a proper story. Have
some fun with it. Thanks again for sending it to me. Eve

On Fri, Nov 23, 2012 at 4:15 PM, Aine Kelly-Costello <ainekc at orcon.net.nz>wrote:

> Cool! I like it! I don't know if this is just me, but if I was writing it
> I think I would give "the teacher" a name, to make them feel more
> personable.  And editting-wise, I think "red curls [...] bounced" should be
> "red curls [...] bouncing", or else chage the comma after "spoke up Bree"
> to a fullstop.
>
> Thought-provoking indeed, though, especially the contrast between Bree and
> Chelsea.
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Robert Leslie Newman" <newmanrl at cox.net
> To: "'writers nfb'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
> Date sent: Fri, 23 Nov 2012 16:48:00 -0600
> Subject: [stylist] Robert's gratitude submission
>
> Hi you all.  Below and attached is my short piece of fiction that I would
> appreciate your assistance in making it as good as it can be.  this is one
> of
> my THOUGHT PROVOKERS, a series that I ran for 11 years; all 154 of them can
> be found upon my personal website, URL at the bottom of all my emails.  I
> am
> working my way through them in order to --- improve them.  (They are still
> being used by many blind related agencies, college programs  for counseling
> purposes and training of new staff.
>
>
>
>
> THOUGHT PROVOKER 118
>
>
> The Mentor
>
>
>
>
> "What does the term mentoring mean?" Asked the teacher.  She was addressing
> 10 blind students--five high school students paired with five elementary
> students.
>
>
>
> "Mentoring is what happens when you have a more experienced person teaching
> someone who has less experience." Spoke up Bree, the soft red curls of the
> precocious, totally blind 10-year-old bounced as she delivered her answer.
>
>
>
> "Hee-hee, it can be fun, too!" Volunteered Chelsea, Bree's partner, a tall
> dark-haired, partially sighted-15-year-old, who was at an awkward stage in
> life (giggles and absent-mindedness).
>
>
>
> "Very good you two.  Now class, let us re-visit our goals in terms of
> mentoring.  First there is the obvious in how you are paired, one high
> school
> and one elementary student.  Then in regard to our second major mentoring
> experience for this program, each of you pairs will be assigned to mentor
> an
> elderly person who is new to blindness."
>
>
>
> The next day, Chelsea and Bree arrived at the home of their mentee.
>  Chelsea
> rang the doorbell.  The inner-door was opened by an elderly woman.  "Yes?"
> She
> said through the closed screen door.
>
>
>
> "Hi." Answered Chelsea.
>
>
>
> Stepping out from where her taller partner had thoughtlessly blocked her
> from view, Brie interjected, "Mrs.  Johnson.  I'm Bree and this is
> Chelsea.  We
> are your mentors."
>
>
>
> "Oh yes girls, excuse me.  A person with poor vision can't be too
> cautious."
> Said the woman, unlocking and opening the door.
>
>
>
> "If I had been in front, you probably could have seen my white cane and
> knew
> it was us." Said Bree, trying to be tactfully helpful.
>
>
>
> "Possibly, young lady.  Hold still and let me have a look at the two of
> you."
> Said Mrs.  Johnson, stepping close, turning her head to the side using her
> peripheral vision.  "Pretty.  Now how about we go into the kitchen, have
> tea
> and get to know one another."
>
>
>
> Seated at the table Mrs.  Johnson said, "I'm sorry I'm going to have to ask
> one of you to pour.  With my vision I'm filling the saucer, as often as I
> fill the cup."
>
>
>
> "Oh please, let me." Chelsea said, jumping up.
>
>
>
> "Excuse me, Chelsea!" The force of commitment in Bree's voice, grabbed the
> moment, "We are here to teach and here's our first opportunity.  --- Mrs.
> Johnson, put your hands on top of mine and I'll show you how I would do
> it."
>
>
>
>
> Hands positioned, Bree continued.  "Okay, here's the pot; good it's not too
> heavy.  There's my cup.  See how I bring the spout over, feel it right
> above
> the cup --- when you tilt the pot, feel it touch the rim and my finger,
> too?"
>
>
>
> "Yes and your finger is poking down into the cup."
>
>
>
> "Yes, I'm a little nervous and don't want to overfill it." Answered Bree, a
> small self-conscious grin sounding in her voice.
>
>
>
> The three of them talked and talked and had a great visit.
>
>
>
> Next day- "Okay mentor teams, time to report.  You've had your first
> visit."
> Said the teacher.
>
>
>
> Bree and Chelsea were the third to report.  "We had an awesome visit." Said
> Chelsea.  "We go back next week."
>
>
>
> "Mrs.  Johnson is 72." Reported Bree.  "She has macular degeneration,
> that's
> where you lose your central vision and she told us all about it." Bree went
> on to tell of those things she and her partner taught their mentee.  "My
> most
> favorite part was when Mrs.  Johnson talked to me about ageing as a woman."
>
>
>
> "What?" Chelsea wined in a puzzled tone.
>
>
>
> "That was when you took your marathon bathroom break.Anyway, she discussed
> how you must change your attitude and do things differently as you get
> older.  And, I'm embarrassed to divulge this, but I never knew what age
> wrinkles were like.  I mean, my grandparents all died when I was young and
> so
> I never got to know them.  But now I know about wrinkles, Mrs.  Johnson
> showed
> me."
>
>
>
> "Ee-U!" Said Chelsea, her tone leaving no doubt of her feelings.
>
>
>
> Turning to her partner, hand on hip Bree said, "I beg your pardon.  In all
> due respect to the dignity of Mrs.  Johnson, she showed me the wrinkles on
> her hands and then the loose and sagging skin of her forearm.  So to sum
> up,
> I mean, we were there to teach Mrs.  Johnson about blindness, but she
> taught
> us about ageing, too.  I learned that mentoring can happen both ways."
>
>
>
>
>
> Robert Leslie Newman
>
> President, NFB Writers' Division
>
> Division Website
>
> <http://www.nfb-writers-**division.net/<http://www.nfb-writers-division.net/>>
> http://www.nfb-writers-**division.net<http://www.nfb-writers-division.net/>
>
> Chair, Communications committee
>
> Personal Website-
>
> <http://www.thoughtprovoker.**info/ <http://www.thoughtprovoker.info/>>
> http://www.thoughtprovoker.**info <http://www.thoughtprovoker.info/>
>
>
>
>
>
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