[stylist] New story, on memory lanes

[Lynda Lambert]

Shawn, I read this yesterday.  It is a large project and well thought out.

I can offer some advice:
1.)  Check the spelling of NA tribes, and
2.) do some research into relisious objects and customs.  It is L a k o t a 
and K a c h i n a   and

3.)  do research on what the Kachina is and does for accuracy. Kachina are 
HOPI - Here's a good link for that:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hopi_Kachina_dolls
Check out the other ones for accuracy, too.

The different NS cultures are very distinctly DIFFERENT - different customs, 
different world views, different fetishes, different art forms, etc.

Also, the strongest tool a writer has is the "blue pencil" and that means go 
through it and edit it down some more.
4.)  Edit it down - read it aloud - and then go back and edit it more.

5.)  Watch for repetition of words and go back and see if you can change 
some words so they are not repeating so often.

Also,
6.)  go over your use of the semi-colon - ask yourself why  the semicolon 
used here in this place. Ask yourself lots of questions as you read through 
this -

I am not an editor, so perhaps someone else here IS and can give you 
additional help in getting this into shape.

I have noticed that getting a helpful critique here seems to be something 
that seldom happens.  I hope others here will give you some help beyond what 
I have offered.

Perhaps, you can send it to the critique offer that came recently through 
this group?  Good luck with your piece - you certainly have put a great deal 
of thought and effort into this.



Lynda Lambert





----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2012 1:48 PM
Subject: [stylist] New story, on memory lanes


Writer's division

Attached (in WORD format) is my latest story, "On Memory Lanes".  It started 
out being a Zenna Henderson People stories tribute and also became a tribute 
to my grandpa who bowled a lot of small bowling tournaments in the Midwest. 
If I've said anything wrong about native American culture (I do bring it in 
some here), I apologize in advance.

If anyone can't read this, please let me know and I will attach in the body 
of my Email; it's 7,100 words, so a bit long for the body of an Email 
message (but will try if necessary).

I hope you enjoy this, any comments (good or bad) please let me know.

The best.

Shawn Jacobson
Mathematical Statistician
Phone# (202)-475-8759
Fax# (202)-485-0275




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