Bridget, I will look at those paragraphs you mention. I really appreciate
the puncuation help. I do not know that stuff well, as I have said many
times, I never learned any of it. Hearing it though (especially with your
explanation) helps me see proper comma placement. As for the 'thievery'
reference; well, I don't know. I do mention it again a little later, but
really do not want to explain each of the myths attached to the particular
deity too extensively. I think it would become more of a lesson than an
exploration. Maybe, if I include in the collection some references of
wherethe readers could learn more about Raven and the others. You see I am
combining mythologies from all over the world so it would get pretty
extensive if I explained all of them. So far I have Raven, Fox, Coyote,
Water, Wolf, Orca, Dolphin, Gargoyle, Elephant... and I don't remember wh
else. I am planning on this being a rather large collection, fully
illustrated for the visuals. Well, thanks. I will look at the piece to see
why I put the things I did and where they could be changed per suggestions.
Blessings, Eve
On Wed, Apr 17, 2013 at 11:34 AM, Bridgit Pollpeter
<bpollpeter at hotmail.com>wrote:
> Eve,
>
> Here are comments on your prompt. BTW, I am obsessed with fairytales.
> I've long been acquainted with the fey, grin.
>
> Really good description of physical appearance. Good metaphors and
> specifics.
>
> Using Northern Spruce is a great specific noun to use.
>
> In the following, a comma should come before knowing: She watched this
> {comma} knowing it was only possible because of her thievery.
> And what do you mean by "thievery?" Maybe this can be made clearer.
>
> I like "tween time." Very fairytale-ish language.
>
> In the following para, it should break into a new para at, "Raven,
> always greedy..." The fishermen of the night knew no tides, yet they
> caught their salmon. The hunters of the night knew no moonlight, yet
> they killed their stag. The women of the night knew no sunshine, yet
> they raised strong children. They knew no other way and yet were happy
> and content. {new para} Raven, always greedy as we know, was not
> content. She planned and prevailed. She filled the sky with light and
> gifted the Earth with warmth from the sun. Should a thief feel remorse?
> Raven felt none.
>
> I really enjoyed this piece. It harkens back to the fairytales of the
> 18th and early part of the 19th centuries with it's pacing and language,
> though a bit darker and more grown up.
>
> If turning into a longer piece, you could have more showing along with
> the exposition just to keep the reader inside the story.
>
> I like your sentences. They flow nicely and have a good cadence.
>
> Very impressed.
>
> Bridgit
>
>
>
> Message: 5
> Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2013 20:46:29 -0700
> From: Eve Sanchez <3rdeyeonly at gmail.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] fantasy prompt
> Message-ID:
>
> <CACdbYKUKcKG4nuSaZLoML7JdqK1+sL=GVU1DgoDAXHHJ87nLvQ at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="windows-1252"
>
> Alright, I'll bite. This is my cup after all. By the way, funny thing;
> my 3 year old grand daughter stole mbag tonight and was swinging it
> around the
> house. Who needs expensive toys? Seriously, I am working on a series
> of
> stories centered around the Fae thaine mythologies and legends from
> around the world. For those that do not know, the Fae are better known
> as the Faeries, the beings of another realm. Well, here is one of my
> pieces and I will warn for those faint of heart, is descriptions of her
> body. I do not find it sexual, but I have been told bers that it is. So
> in other words; you might not want to read it if you are worrieut the
> human anatomy. I was not going to share any of th, but since Bridget
> brought it up...
>
> Raven
>
> Her breasts, as perfect as two peas with tiny nipples
> pointing the way, sat above a slender waist that smoothly blended into
> narrow hips of youthfulness, though she was immortal. Her derriere
> though, was as prominent as her breasts, causing balance and harmony in
> her form. Her skin was a black blue like the panting tongue of a dog
> from the orient, yet it shone more than beautiful on her. There was
> nothing coarse about her. Even if one was to stroke her nether hair they
> would proclaim it as soft and silky as the above ebony tresses and as
> glossy black as the feathered wings folded across her back.
>
> She sat perched on the tiniest of branches of a great
> Northern spruce, looking out upon the tides visible in the glow of the
> moon. She sat with one muscular leg folded under her and the other
> raised so that she may rest her hand upon her knee. She watched as the
> water swelled, crested, and rolled in as far as it dared to go, wetting
> sand and stone alike. She watched as the water then receded leaving a
> trail of bubbles, as trapped air from beneath the dampened sand was
> released. She watched this knowing it was only possible because of her
> thievery. She looked up at the stars and moon and smiled, her black eyes
> twinkling in their glow.
>
> This was the tween time, the time between night and day.
> It was the time between dark and light. It was her time. Those who
> remembered her, remembered her as the wise trickster bird. This was fine
> with her though she was more than bird. She did her greatest work in the
> form of a human boy child, but she was more than a human. She was Fae,
> and this was her time. These were her people, her clan, and this was her
> Mother Earth. She was Raven.
>
> All around the world, she was known by many names. She
> was a trickster, a thief, a messenger, and deity, both Goddess and God.
> She was Raven. She thought of the many stories told about her as she
> traveled through the ages visiting and touching the children of Mother
> Earth throughout its Northern regions, as she preferred, for she only
> did as she wished and went where she desired. Only she knew of all her
> adventures and only she knew of what was to come. She remembered, while
> looking upon the lunar reflection upon the moving waters.
>
> Long ago, it is told, she posed as the grandchild of the
> Creator. He who held the moon and stars, the sun and daylight all in
> baskets woven with intricate designs, had refused to let them loose. He
> had protected them from all and kept them safely hidden from
> molestation, but she knew that in her chosen form she would prevail. Not
> even the Great Creator could deny his dearest grandson. And so, after
> much trickery, it was done. They had been loosed for all the world.
>
> The fishermen of the night knew no tides, yet they
> caught their salmon. The hunters of the night knew no moonlight, yet
> they killed their stag. The women of the night knew no sunshine, yet
> they raised strong children. They knew no other way and yet were happy
> and content. Raven, always greedy as we know, was not content. She
> planned and prevailed. She filled the sky with light and gifted the
> Earth with warmth from the sun. Should a thief feel remorse? Raven felt
> none.
>
> Though The People did not normally sanctify thievery or
> deception, they honored Raven and do so still to this day. How could
> there be anger towards someone giving such gifts? The People looked to
> the moon and told of time?s passage. They learned to read the stories
> written within the stars. They appreciated the comfort and life provided
> by the sun and lived fully in daylight. The People did not persecute
> Raven for her crimes. No, they honored the wise bird and remember her
> gifts to this day.
>
> She stood, with the wane light of the tween time
> silhouetting her diminutive form and looked to the moon and stars. She
> felt no remorse. As her world was between spiritual and physical, this
> was her time. As she was busiest between the old night and the day she
> gifted, this was her time. As she thought of the creatures that stirred
> in this tween time, neither dark nor light, she knew they were hers and
> that she loved them. This was her time and she was content with it as
> much as greedy Raven could ever be content with anything.
>
> With her memories of the past and ideas of what was to
> come, she spread her wings and leapt from the bough, falling into the
> still air, until the wind caught her up and held her suspended before
> she took flight. Turning in an arc, she circled a totem with her
> likeness, the likeness of the trickster bird. She is remembered still.
> She flew counter to the rotation of Mother Earth so as to stay ahead of
> the day. She flew to stay within the tween time. This was her time,
> between what was past and that to come, and she had no remorse for her
> crimes.
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Writers Division web site
> http://www.writers-division.net/
> stylist mailing list
> stylist at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> stylist:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/3rdeyeonly%40gmail.com
>