[stylist] Seeking suggestions on CNF essay

[Aine Kelly-Costello]

I think you have managed to link the lyrics with personal feeling 
really well, there is a lot of vivid imagery in there

 ----- Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Fri, 1 Feb 2013 01:27:01 -0600
Subject: [stylist] Seeking suggestions on CNF essay

I've been working on this piece for two years now.  It's 
different and
attempts to incorporate pop-culture into a more personal thread.  
There
are sections containing music lyrics along with other pop-culture
references.  One day I like this, the next I'm not sure.  Just 
seeing what
suggestions I may find on the list.  It does contain some strong
language.

Give a Cheer for all the Broken

Hold on.  And you don't know what you're waiting for, but you 
don't want
to know more.  Hold on.
>From Hold On by Good Charlotte

Did you stand on the bridge contemplating the watery depths, 
hoping for
a flood of relief? Was the gaping mouth of the oven door inviting 
as you
slipped through the odorless fumes? What were your thoughts as 
the rope
cut into your neck, and you escaped this world? Did the taunts 
and jeers
subside? Have you found solace now; a peace of mind?
Slipping into the forgotten, hearing only the silence, too many 
seek the
solace of whispered graves.  We see you, we know you, but 
ignorance is
our bliss as another percentage piles at our feet.
The band leads with a tune slightly off key.  A melody with no 
harmony
begins the black parade.

Echoes of introspections cease as a celebrity speaks against 
bullying on
TV.  Madonna shames with her speech about acceptance.

I shutter remembering a face full of pain, hoping only for a 
friend.  A
little girl, innocent and sweet, who braved school despite the 
mocking
jeers of classmates; her tear-stained face pops into my head.  My 
memory
forges up the day I pricked her with a needle, and we laughed as 
tears
rimmed her eyes.

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?

Acceptance means following the crowd.  As a group, we don't feel 
the
sting of loneliness.
Eventually I stepped out of this role, but an isolation replaced
acceptance.  I walked the halls and knew the cruelty of 
adolescence.  The
pain of being different is not easy to bear.

The bell rang for recess, and Mrs.  Petat's second-grade class 
came to
attention.  Each child sat still, but our pent-up energy raced 
around our
features.  A hushed frenzy waiting to explode.
We rushed in lines of order as Mrs.  Petat released the class.  
The barrel
of balls and jump ropes emptied in a succinct fashion.  Reaching 
the door
to the playground, our line of whispered buzzing erupted into 
shouts and
giggles as we stormed the yard.
Sarah tossed me the end of a long red jump rope, and we started 
the
ancient swing known to children world-round.
Laurie jumped in first as the chant began.  Soon I rolled into a
well-oiled maneuver.  The motion of the swing remained steady 
while
Laurie and I jumped in unison.
I jumped in and out never skipping a beat.  We laughed and 
shouted as
each girl took her turn, and our chant mingled through the noisy
playground.
Laurie and Chandra replaced Sarah and I as we kept the motion, 
never
skipping a beat.  Sarah and I danced to the back of the line, 
catching
our breath through bursts of giggles.
The rhythm of the chant reverberated through my body, tingling.  
My long
ponytail whipped around my body as I spun on my heel, ready to 
enter the
arching rope spinning round and round.
Giddiness prickled my skin as an effortless leap slid my skinny 
body
into the winding motion of the game.  I smiled, but something had
changed.  The chant was different.
"Di, di, di, Bridgit is diabetic-she is gonna' die-die-die."
I glanced at Laurie and Chandra still whipping the rope around.  
Their
faces concentrated on the task at hand, but their mouths wiggled 
with
escaped laughter through the chant.
"Di, di, di, Bridgit is diabetic-she is gonna' die-die-die."
My feet scratched against the cement jumping backwards out of the
motion.  Facing the line of jumpers, their expressions seemed 
mocking.
The chant halted as kids around the playground pointed.  A laugh
thundered through the yard.  Tears nipped at my eyes.
A group of boys corralled nearby snickered.  "The DIE-abetic's 
gonna'
cry."
My mouth opened, but words seemed like the enemy at the moment.  
Holding
my breath, trying not to cry, my feet trudged to the edge of the
playground.  Leaning against the red brick of the school, my body 
took on
the stillness of the stone pricking my back.
A stony isolation left me at the edge, unsure how to find my way 
back.

Phoebe Prince understood isolation.  She took it with her to the 
grave.
In high school, playground politics grow deadly.
A heart pierced with pain, Phoebe gasped for air.
Who knew being beautiful would cost you your life? Jealousy 
placed the
rope around your delicate neck.

Stylish clothes, popular pursuits, they do not bring immediate
inclusion.  We spent years perfecting the art of judgment and 
acceptance;
now we wonder why bullying has grown, too big to be contained.
E's Fashion Police blares on the TV.  I laugh as Joan Rivers 
mocks the
latest attempt of Milie Cyrus to fit in.  Joan's biting 
commentary dare
anyone to face the world in any garb other than the accepted mode 
as
prescribed by an elite few.

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
>From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

We breathe in acceptance and breathe out cruelty.  The pumping of 
our
pulse leaps with joy to mock.
Cut- cut down- cut it out- cut to bleed, to feel.

When you grow up,
will you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
Will you defeat them,
Your demons, and all the non-believers
The plans that they have made?

Was fear larger than the slit your blood seeped from? Did you 
tremble
from the cold, or the memory of them shouting "faggot?" How long 
did you
hold your secret, scared to be abnormal? Who did you think of as 
the
faces full of hate were erased from your mind? Are you safe now,
embraced by arms that love you for who you are?

Matthew Shepard understood isolation.  By birth, he fell to this 
earth,
contaminated with isolation.
Dreams and hopes filled Matthew's mind, but the intolerance 
stifled his
voice.  Shameful and wicked, that is what they told you.
A boy, shameful and wicked, not fit for this world.  Shameful and 
wicked
shadowed your every move.  Shameful and wicked, your existence 
was
disgusting-you must go.
Was it goodness and purity that stranded you, tied naked to a 
fence
pole?
They took your light allowing ignorance to guide.

I wear purple today in recognition of Stop Bullying Gays day.  
Purple
sweater, purple boots, purple jewelry.
God did not create people only to have them destroyed by hate.  
We preach
that life is precious, but this sermon doesn't seem to apply to 
all.
Who are precious in His sight?
Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek and hate the gays.  This 
is the
message spread to the ends of the earth.
Molded, shaped and formed, our concepts of Adam and Eve are 
constructed
out of rigid, immoveable material.

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
I need the end to set me free

Curled up in a corner on my bed, I sobbed, my head resting on my 
knees.
Screams hovered in my throat.  No one to talk to, to cleanse the 
poison
from my soul.
Swollen eyes searched my room for any remnant of hope.  I wanted
something to tie me to this world, an anchor that made me one of 
them.
Happiness seemed easy for some.  Inclusion was my goal, to be 
normal.  Too
much weighed me down; these jagged thoughts pierced me to the 
ground,
unable to join the world.
Cruel words piled up like dirt.  Slut, whore, tramp-- it did not 
matter
that I was a virgin; the gospel of rumors is truth.
Pink-handled scissors whispered tantalizing possibilities.  
Suffocating,
unable to move, death was inviting.  Escaping this enclosure was 
the
relief I sought.

Torment poured salt into your fresh wounds.  You felt the lash of 
hatred.
Consumed by emptiness, you sought a final solitude.  Unaware of 
the
future, you saw only today.  Unable to dry the flow of tears, you 
stopped
the flow of blood.  Your enemy's words were endless, but you 
deafened the
sound with a blow.  Happiness was not found in this life so you 
moved on,
desperate for acceptance.

The television guides us as Chelsea Handler spews comments that 
sear
like acid.  Derisive laughter accompanies the jokes made at the 
expense
of others.
We are taught to mock, caring only for our pleasure.  We have 
learned
well-grasshoppers , now go forth and spread this message of hate 
to all
who will listen.

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us

I turn the TV off in disgust.  I feel heavy with the guilt of the
countless souls I heaped more pain on to.  My own past misery, a 
shared
experience, has taught me nothing.

The guys living upstairs sat on their balcony, one crying, one
consoling.
Giggles escaped my lips as I strained to hear what absurdity made 
a
grown man cry into his beer.
"What a wuss," I said.
"It's not funny," Ross, my husband, said.
I turned around to stare at him.  "Are you serious?"
"You don't know what's wrong, it could be serious."
"He's crying like a drunken baby." I giggled again.
"That's really insensitive.  I've been there."
My giggles cut short.  "Like I don't know hurt and pain?"
"You're the one laughing." He walked away, leaving me to feel 
ashamed.

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand

These are the thoughts I ponder.  I still fight to accept myself,
thrashing my spirit about, but I can no longer live among my own
intolerance.
Ripped to tattered pieces, many find no solace.  The pain of 
difference
cost much, and many run dry trying to balance the debt.  I will 
try to
make the load easier, but am I too late?
Hushed for now, wipe the stains from your eyes.  Flesh broken and
bruised, but alive just the same.  Sticks and stones will break 
my bones,
and words will lead to the grave.
Hands will lift you.  Rest, but only rest.  Walk in the light 
breaking
free of the shadows.  Blessed are those who cut the ties that 
bind.

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, Baby
I was born this way

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter, editor, Slate & Style
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can
satisfy, we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for
another world."
C.  S.  Lewis


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