[stylist] For your amusement: an article from the Onion "Beware, the Blind are Faking"

Tue Mar 19 17:07:47 UTC 2013

Jackie,
Thanks. If they do, I'll let everyone know.
Donna 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Jacqueline
Williams
Sent: Monday, March 18, 2013 6:50 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: Re: [stylist] For your amusement: an article from the Onion
"Beware,the Blind are Faking"

Donna,
Your response to the clever Onion article is brilliant I would not be
surprised if they printed it.
Jackie. 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Donna Hill
Sent: Monday, March 18, 2013 1:55 PM
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List'
Subject: [stylist] For your amusement: an article from the Onion "Beware,the
Blind are Faking"

 <http://www.theonion.com/articles/blind-people-are-faking-it,11038/> Hi
Folks, Here's an article from the satirical news source the Onion, which I
found on another list. The link is followed by the text of the article and
then my comments, which I had to send to their Chicago office, because there
didn't appear to be a comments option. Warning, if you don't enjoy satire,
you're not going to like this one at all. *grin*

Article: Beware, the Blind are Faking"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/blind-people-are-faking-it,11038/
Block quote

Citizens, hear us well. Our great nation is being undermined by a secret
society of individuals who carry deadly white truncheons and lead vicious
attack animals in public on a daily basis. These mysterious folk also have a
secret means of communication, while shocking new evidence seems to indicate
that they may even possess senses superior to those of other humans. We're
speaking, of course, of the legions of the so-called blind.

Let's assume for a minute that we swallow this "blindness" hoax in the first
place. If these people are somehow bereft of the gift of sight, how does
that explain the works of Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Ronnie Milsap? How
could such men possibly play music if they were blind? What do they take us
for, ignorant saps?

The first issue I must point out is their very public display of armed
might. Every individual laying claim to sightlessness carries a cudgel on
their person at all times. These "canes," as they call them, are supposed to
help them feel their way along. They are painted white, almost as if the
bearer wished to remind passersby of its presence, and the weapon's tip is
painted a chillingly suggestive red. Those who have studied the mysterious
fighting arts of the Orient know that such sticks may be wielded with deadly
force by those with skill. In a surprise attack, strategically placed squads
of the "blind"

could quickly overwhelm our police forces.

Their fearsome nature encompasses more than just personal weaponry. Many of
the alleged blind also own large, vicious attack dogs for the supposed
purpose of guidance along city streets. With one word from their scheming
masters, these slavering "guide" dogs could become guided missiles!

Indeed, most of these fearsome beasts are German shepherds, a species of
killer wolf invented by twisted, Fascist dog breeders, which has somehow
fallen into this most suspect faction of the disabled.

The most frightening aspect of this diabolical conspiracy by far is their
ability to communicate with one another unbeknownst to upstanding citizens. 

Their secret code consists of a series of raised dots cunningly arranged
into arcane shapes. Known as "Braille," this demonic alphabet has begun
popping up in places that were doubtlessly chosen for their mundane,
everyday outward

appearance: elevators, building directories, automated teller machines and
the like.

This system seems rational enough, and does not attract undue attention. But
think! If the messages on the signs changed suddenly, how would we know? 

Next year, next month, next week, maybe even tomorrow, the signs will change
from "second floor" to "STRIKE NOW! STRIKE HARD!" and our nation will be
thrown into the chaos of revolution.

At this juncture, there is no hard evidence that the blind are planning such
a revolution. We hope to have such evidence very soon. But can one group
possess such an overwhelming element of surprise and fail to use it to seize
power? 

And can their goals be anything but evil?

No, I say! I maintain that true blindness lies in failing to see the threat
where it must obviously lie, and we must be vigilantly wary of the blind
menace

Block quote end

Donna's response
Block quote
To the Staff of the Onion, the greatest news source in the world.

I am distraught! My favorite news source has stabbed me in the heart and
left me for dead! I demand to know how you found out! Who squealed and
ratted out their fellow conspirators? As a card-carrying member of the
underground blind revolution, I beg you to at least tell us how. We were
sure no one would ever suspect that blindness itself was impossible, and now
you've gone and splashed it all over the place. Was it the blind guy in
Wisconsin who graduated from medical school? Could it have been the blind
NYC ADA who is deputy chief of the rackets division? No wait, I bet it was
one of those fake blind NASA engineers who lost their jobs when the shuttle
program ended. And, that little trick at Daytona a couple years ago where
they had a "blind" guy driving a car all by himself! I kept telling them,
"you can't do that kind of stuff, you'll get us all caught!"

Or, was it the dogs? We were concerned that the German shepherds might give
it away with their unapologetic, protective demeanor; that's why we started
using Labrador and Golden Retrievers. It was quite a trick implanting the
attack gene in such a wuss of a breed, but we had done it. Now, all of that
work is for naught.

Despite the devastation, I issue this fair warning, we will be back. We may
not be able to disguise ourselves as blind any longer -- thanks to your
ill-considered haste to be the first one on the block to break the story --
but we will recover. If there's one thing we've learned in playing our roles
as supposedly sightless, it is that human ingenuity can overcome any
obstacle -- even one placed in our paths by those we considered kindred
spirits, if not co-conspirators.

I hope you can live with yourselves.
Outed by the Onion in Auburn Center
Block quote end
Cheers,
Donna

-- The Heart of Applebutter Hill, a novel on a mission:
DonnaWHill.com

Read Donna's articles on Suite 101:
http://suite101 <http://suite101.com/donna-w-hill> .com/donna-w-hill

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