[stylist] Be warned, kind of creepy

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Kyle,

Personally, I feel the rhyming detracts from the subject matter, but I
do understand this is a poetry form and stylistic choice.

I think the beginning is a little weak, but by the middle, I find it to
liven up and grow more depth.

I honestly wouldn't have associated Christianity with this until you
mention the Bible, which I assume you mean a Christian bible. In fact, I
took a different view until I read this stanza.

I think you could push the imagery more as well. Really focus on what
you want to say and illustrate it with words. I also think it can be
darker. While the subject matter itself may be intended to be dark, it
comes across a bit Disney for me, but again, this may be due to the
rhyming, and again, this is just a preference thing.

Good job, and it would be nice to see any revision you choose to do.

Bridgit

Message: 7
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2013 12:29:21 -0700
From: Kyle woodard <wallacewoodard at gmail.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] be warned kind of creepy
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Ok it's not usually my habbit to write creepy, dark or morbit poetry.
However this poem or song or whaterver it is speaks to me for some
reason and it is almost as if it rights itself it is very long and I am
not quite sure what to do with it but thought I would share to get some
opinions. some potential tieles are ghost ship, ghost story, and Demon
Dance  and it is comprised of mostly all quatrains with a couple of
couplets

AR 4.0

Kindred spirits one and all
here we are let us fall
we have traveled far together
now we shall die and live forever


Seeking something out of sight
giving up too tired to fight
When the age has come and gone
We shall still be singing our song


For some things don?t end with death
For some things aren?t finished with a breath
Creepy crawly all around
Listen to us now making our sound


So what possessed us to be this way
Haunting the world all night and day
stories only tell one side of things
leaving not q few loose strings


All of the answers to soothe your dreams
lie tied up amidst twisted schemes
IF you take one lesson from our song
be aware that some decisions are wrong


We are past fixing our fate
however there is still room on your plate
So take heed and don?t follow us here
some times it is good to have some fear


Turn away now from our doom
Walk away from this room
For if you stay here any longer
we shall win growing stronger


Don?t follow us whatever you do
and on the way out be sure to say Boo


It wasn?t initially our goal
to lose our body without a soul
however after all of our skirmishes and fighting
we were left squabbling and back biting


Filled with hunger and greed
trying to fill an empty need
Once the darkness has a hold
you grow bitter and your heart goes cold


Then you know you?re in a bind
when you?d walk all over your own kind
just to hold on to a bit of treasure
just for a wee moments pleasure


But that?s the way we all went
till we were all gone and downward sent
now accursed to walk these shores
coming a knocking on your doors


Be aware children run away
only come out at the noon of day
for if you are caught outside
we?ll take you on a wild ride


one you won?t be forgeettign soon
as we contemplate forthcoming doom
run away and hide right quick
watching out for us that slick


Now be good little kiddies and mind your manners
Making sure to flee our banners
for only time will tell
whether you go to heaven or hell


So make up your mind and stick to it fast
turn away from sin and make it your past
or else we will come a calling
we have no shame in helping you falling


So flee flee right now
just open your bible to find out how
Now we have come to the end of our tale
but if you care to stay we have a spot open in our jail