[stylist] a very short story

Tue Oct 1 04:51:28 UTC 2013

Hi.
Thank you so much for commenting on my story.
I had a question about something that you said.  What are some 
ways that I can describe the man drowning? Like, should I mention 
his name, his age, what color hair he had? How could I make it 
more emotional? (My eyes were watering when I wrote this, but I 
suppose it's just because I'm the writer.)
You actually gave me something really good to think about, with 
Isabel and Maria.  You're right about Maria having a twisted 
sense of humor; Often people think the saddest things are funny, 
and we can't explain why.  I suppose it's kind of a test in 
friendship, like, are they really your friend? You're right 
though, why was Isabella friends with Maria to begin with? I'll 
have to think of a way to describe it.
Thanks again.
Vejas

 ----- Original Message -----
From: Bridgit Pollpeter <bpollpeter at hotmail.com
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 30 Sep 2013 22:19:27 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] a very short story

Vejas,

Your start is strong.  Try to keep this kind of pacing 
throughout.

This isn't so much a wrong thing as a personal thing for me, but 
I don't
like the word, "got," and I would prefer something different, but 
in
creative writing, many rules and traditions are loose, so it's 
what
works for you, smile.

You need a comma before and after Maria in this sentence: She saw 
that
her friend Maria had posted...

The following sentence is way too long and clunky: Isabella
prepared for a good laugh and thought about the last video that
Maria had sent her, which was a group of men and women, dressed
and otherwise, showing off by purposely dancing in a whole
kitchenful of banana peels to energetic music.

And you have, "kitchenful," which should be, "kitchen-full."

In the description of the video of the drowning man, you could 
push it
further with details, though keep it germane to the piece.  The 
reader
may feel more for this situation if we had even more details.  It 
doesn't
have to be long and wordy, but something that hits home 
emotionally more
than this.

Another run-on sentence that's too clunky: Isabella wondered why 
someone
who had just lost their
house and all but a few articles of clothing, and who had looked
so depressed before, why someone, in the midst of screaming,
yelling and carrying on, would smile.  -----Original Message-----

And pay attention to your comma use.  Make sure you're placing 
commas in
appropriate places and vice versus.

Can we get any info as to why Maria would think this funny? Even 
a
single sentence could point to or imply something that would be 
helpful
to know Maria's motivation.  It would seem this is out of 
character for
her, especially since Isabel is still her friend at the 
beginning.  So
why would Maria suddenly have such a twisted sense of humor?

Also watch your paragraph breaks.  If it's just the formatting of 
the
email, I apologize, but if not, there's a lot of places needing 
para
breaks.

Over-all, this is one of your better-written pieces you've posted 
on
Stylist.  I can see you're implementing suggestions made here.  I 
think
you can go further and "show" more, but not bad.  I didn't feel a 
real
emotional pull in this piece, but that will come with practice 
for you.
Good job.

Bridgit
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of 
Vejas
Sent: Monday, September 30, 2013 8:12 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] a very short story

Hi.
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for all of my
comments about my lost story.  I went back into the archives and
found the attachment.
I have a very short story which I wanted to share.  It's more
intense than my usual writing.  I really tried to do the "show
don't tell", but I wonder if I did too much of it? Any comments
are welcome.  This story is short enough that I can post it at
the bottom of the e-mail.
Vejas
The Flood

Isabella got home from school and raced to her computer.  She was
addicted to Twitter, and being only 12, her parents would not
give her a phone.  She saw that her friend Maria had posted a
funny video (or so she claimed.) Having had a bad day, Isabella
eagerly opened up Maria's post.  Maria had written: "LOL I
laughed so hard that I almost died I mean like come on seriously
doesn't that guy look so stupid and ridiculous?" Isabella
prepared for a good laugh and thought about the last video that
Maria had sent her, which was a group of men and women, dressed
and otherwise, showing off by purposely dancing in a whole
kitchenful of banana peels to energetic music.  Every time they
had been ready to slip, she had laughed harder.  But she was a
link away from something completely different.
Click...  and then she watched the video load and play.  She was
shocked.  The video clip took place in Alabama in the center of
an intense flood.  Houses were falling.  One man came out of his
house looking helpless, a green shirt and a pair of blue jeans in
his hand plus a couple clothes on him.  He swam slowly, not
knowing exactly which direction to go, it seemed.  His spare
shirt and jeans were soaking wet, but it didn't seem to matter to
hm; all he wanted was to keep his clothes.  After a while it
seemed like the man was just going to give up, and he began to
sink more than swim, though he was still lightly treading water.
A couple of seconds later he was still sinking, and his shirt was
pulled out of his hands by the strong water.  Then, more sinking.
There was a small amount of time where it looked like the man was
going to live again.  Isabella saw him treading water violently,
splashing around to get up.  Good for him, she thought.  The man
was finally able to get his mouth out of the water, and he
smiled.  Isabella wondered why someone who had just lost their
house and all but a few articles of clothing, and who had looked
so depressed before, why someone, in the midst of screaming,
yelling and carrying on, would smile.  And then she figured it
out.  She looked closer into the man's smile; he looked calm and
peaceful.  He was going to give up.  She had known he would from
the very beginning when he had not known which direction to go
but hadn't wanted to admit it to herself.  And sure enough, he
began to sink again, slowly, as the flood continued to get worse.
This time he made absolutely no effort to keep swimming.  And
then he was gone and the video stopped abruptly.  Isabella began
to cry.  She vowed she would never again be friends with such a
girl who thought that that man's pain was her pleasure.  That
poor man!

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org 
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info 
for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bpollpeter%4
0hotmai
l.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info 
for stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/alpineimagin
ation%40gmail.com