[stylist] Poem - "Regret" - Second Draft

[Barbara Hammel]

I like this poem.  A few errors I saw: spongey needs the e taken out.  There 
needs to be a space after the colon after nosh.  Theparty and returnslike 
need spaces in them.
Also, somehow I don't like the two choices of perhaps going to buy shoes or 
visit the dentist.  They seem so mundane compared to the rest of the poem.
Oh, and are his eyes supposed to be like the summer jays or his voice that 
comes to you.
The last sentence you may want to put in quotes?
Wow!  Sorry I made this sound so negative -- not saying anything I like 
about it, yet I do like it as a whole.
Barbara




Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.--Robert Frost
-----Original Message----- 
From: William L Houts via stylist
Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2014 6:05 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Poem - "Regret" - Second Draft


HI Gang,

Here's a poem I wrote just today.  This one's mostly a non-rhymer, and
doesn't depend much upon the more obviously literary devices for its
effects.  It's in its second draft, as the first one, while similar, was
a little fuzzy in certain ways;  this one pretty much gets where I
wanted to go.

--Bill


---

You're at a party, many guests.

You've chatted a while, traded jokes

and now you've found a chair,

one of those great spongey thrones,

in which to nosh:pickles, chips.

Theparty noise rises, falls:

an even, agreeable buzz.

You listen, chew, abide.

Then, like sudden summer rain

a boy bursts from the gathered talkers

and races to greet you

with dark shining eyes,

like those of some small summer jay,

borne on breezes

you know again now,

as if the earth itself

burst into joy

of wings by the thousands.

With Lustrous black hair

and laughing

like Superman's son

he bounds away,

and returnslike summer

or some prince of elves,

only more handsome.

Then he's gone,

called away by his mother

perhaps to buy shoes,

or to visit the dentist,

or to give his small graces

to another party:

laughing, laughing.

And for years ever after,

you will ask yourself:

why didn't I ruffle his hair?


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