[stylist] Thea - baklava

[Miss Thea]

Hi, Alyssa.
Thanks so much for reading my piece and giving honest feedback.
As I've only published on my blog, the original piece is still on my 'puter, 
and can be shortened, esp. for a contest looking for a short personal essay 
such as this.
Also, I like it as a contrast to "I'll Call Her Sandy", which was a much 
heavier piece.
I like repeating the name of the venue, but I'll most def look at how I can 
shorten the other repeats--avoid saying them at all, or put a different spin 
on them.
Thea

-----Original Message----- 
From: Alyssa Frierson
Sent: Tuesday, March 11, 2014 7:43 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] Thea - baklava

Hi, Thea.
Welcome to the list.
I enjoyed reading your piece. I don't have much to add to what Chris
said; he pretty much hit it right on the head. The street name doesn't
need to be given twice within the span of a few sentences. I
understood that Terry's was on the same street as the medical
building, and that you didn't have to go far to get there.
You wrote:
It had the taste of some of those grain cereals lathered in honey.
I made short work of that baklava.
I made sure to tell my server that I would do my first "blind foodie"
write-up on my blog about Terry's Restaurant and Bar.
This could just be me, but maybe saying you made short work of the
baklava isn't necessary since you say earlier that "it didn't stand a
chance?" The repetition of "I made" here, the phrase "savory come-on"
and the street name were the only places I saw repetition, but I agree
that you should try to avoid it when writing a
short piece like this.
Thanks for sharing.

Alyssa

On 3/11/14, Chris Kuell <ckuell at comcast.net> wrote:
> Hi Thea,
>
> A belated welcome to the group.
>
> I enjoyed reading your mini restaurant review from a blind person's
> perspective, although I hope you didn't dissect that second piece of
> baklava. I used to work for a Greek, and his wife made baklava from hand
> every now and then (as you can imagine, it took all day) and it's really
> meant to be savored all at once. In fact, I'd love to have some right now!
>
> If you don't mind a little feedback, I found the beginning of your piece a
> little clunky. You wrote:
>
> Description: On the first above-zero day in March, I crawled out of my 
> shell
> and visited Terry's restaurant and Bar on 120 Ellesmere.
>
> I left the medical building on 120 Ellesmere, in Scarborough, and walked a
> few steps. The cool, sunny air sent waves of savory come-ons. I walked 
> into
> the first restaurant, where the come-on was the most savory, and the
> closest.
>
>
> I don't think you need the word 'description, as it becomes evident as we
> read. Secondly, you leave the same building you enter, so do you really 
> need
> to mention where you were leaving? Or might you simply say--I left an
> appointment on Ellesmere, and followed my nose. Fortunately for me, I 
> didn't
> have to travel far before Terry's Restaurant and Bar savory scent lured me
> in... or something like that. Lastly, and this is probably just me, but as
> an editor I try to discourage repetition. So you might change one of your
> 'savory come ons' to something different. Try it, and see if you like it.
>
> Thanks for sharing, and for whetting my appetite.
>
> chris
>
>
>
>
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